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How Losing Weight was bad for my self-esteem...

Monday, July 16, 2012

When I first joined Spark People in 2008 I was 220 pounds. I was the sexiest, most confident 220 pound woman around. I was rocking the cutest size 20 clothes I could find, I was wearing a two piece bathing suit and not giving a darn if it made anyone uncomfortable. I was walking, dancing, swimming and being as active as I could be at the time.

Then over the last 5 years I lost almost 80 pounds, I got into a size 10/12 and was rocking that and being proud and confident and sexy and amazing. I was jogging and even running a little bit, I was still swimming and dancing and walking as much as I could.

Now I've been forced to go back on medication that slows my metabolism to a crawl. I tried not taking it for a year and ended up hospitalized and close to in a coma for not taking it. I also lost 30 pounds without it. So now I'm seeing my weight creep back up and up and up. I'm making another med change at the same time which if it works will be a great long term change, but in the short term makes me very emotional and weepy.

The result is that I am a hot mess and I don't want to be fat again. I cry every time my stomach gets hungry two hours after a meal. I eat balanced meals and am getting more than enough nutrients and calories but I'm just hungry a lot. I cry when my clothes are so tight that I just want to be naked instead of wear ones that are bigger. Being slim has messed with my head and somewhere along the way healthy and slim got mixed up.

Here's the crux of the problem: Being Morbidly Obese is a medical death sentence.
Not taking my insulins (yes plural) is a medical death sentence.

I feel like I can't win for losing. And while I've never been afraid of death, I am terrified of not being alive to raise my child. I want her to have two parents that love and adore her and balance each other out. I also want her to learn my healthy habits and not learn that her self esteem should be linked to her self image.

I am going to keep taking my meds, though I'm waiting to see a specialist about trying a new class of insulins that doesn't have as many side effects and should be more effective than what I'm taking presently. I just need to find a way back to being a dead sexy and confident 185 pounds until I can get it back down again, or forever, whichever is realistic.

so yeah, I'm a weepy mess of juxtapositions and contradictions but I really need to pull myself out of it no matter what is going to happen to this body of mine.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hugs Sweetie! Hope your meds can be adjusted and you are feeling more confident soon. We are here for you!
    2071 days ago
    Hugs, hugs and more hugs......
    2071 days ago
  • AMBER281
    2072 days ago
    I've been on the medication roller coaster before and it really sucks!! :( I hope your doctor can find new meds that don't cause these side effects for you!
    2072 days ago
  • UNICORN212
    Talk to the doc and a nutritionist. A med adjustment or a tweak in diet (maybe lower your carbs?) could help immensely. Make sure they know where you are coming from and where you want to go - they will find a way to help. It is their job. Take it one day at a time, and you can do this!
    2072 days ago
    I empathize with your situation. I hope that you are able to find a better solution to the weight gain with the meds. Can you talk to a nutritionist or a dietician and see if they have any helpful suggestions for you?
    2072 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    Oh, sweetie - my heart goes out to you. I have a struggle with thyroid "wackiness" and the adjustment of medications (which, foolishly, I believed would magically work right away) Anyway, I have empathy for you and, given your amazing attitude, I know you will find your way through this rough patch, but it is very hard to be in the middle of it, feeling powerless to fix it. Because you are a person who appreciates quotes (I love the ones on your page) I will share one with you: "we must embrace our pain and burn it as fuel for our journey" - kenji miyazawa. Your daughter is witnessing strength in action and this will serve her well. Take care.
    2072 days ago
    I know what your going through, I also am fighting with not wanting to take novolog 70/30. I'm ignoring the numbers and I'm feeling great and I'm losing, but with some bad choices, have to lose a few pounds again. It will happen. I know my HA1C will be high when I get it checked, but like I said, I have energy, I sleep 8+ hrs a night. for some reason I'm am not worried.

    I think you might be talking about byetta, it works if you take it regularly. there is also one that begins with a V. these are not insulin, but works to bring down the numbers.

    I hope you get what you need and continue to reach your goal, you are dear to my heart, you know that, we've talked here a long time.

    2073 days ago
    I'm sorry you're struggling so. Hope you'll never give up and find new ways.
    2073 days ago
  • BUTTERFLY-1976
    emoticon emoticon
    2073 days ago
  • DEEJON123
    Ah, Sweetie, I am so sorry. I know what it is like if that helps, I was mighty thin until around age 25, then I was put on a medication that as a side effect put on weight. I went from 102 lbs. up to 226 lbs. before I decided to change my life. I had been off of the meds and changed to something else quite some time before (the weight loss put me into a depression, thus more meds.). I have lost lots of the weight and don't want to ever get to 102 lbs. again, but it was a frustrating ride just the same and lots of work to get where I am now, which I am still not satisfied with by the way.
    I do hope and pray something can be done for you, don't cry, don't get too down if you can help it. I wouldn't like to think this puts you in depression as it did me. That is no good for anyone, and especially not a mom (or her family).
    DO TAKE CARE, emoticon
    2073 days ago
    I'm so sorry -- I know weight loss is difficult for diabetics; my hubby is one (though fortunately he doesn't have to take injections yet). You're right, you DO need to be healthy and alive for your child. And I have a similar fear of passing my weight phobias onto my daughters. No one is more obsessed with her weight than I am. I really wish I could just forget about it and just do this for my health, but that's not the real reason. I'm 52 years old and won't look like Scarlett Johannson no matter how much weight I lose, I know that in my head but emotionally I still want those sexy flat abs that even Coach Nicole admits she doesn't have (it's practically a career to maintain those, and I've already got one of those). emoticon emoticon
    2073 days ago
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