Monday, July 16, 2012
When I first joined Spark People in 2008 I was 220 pounds. I was the sexiest, most confident 220 pound woman around. I was rocking the cutest size 20 clothes I could find, I was wearing a two piece bathing suit and not giving a darn if it made anyone uncomfortable. I was walking, dancing, swimming and being as active as I could be at the time.
Then over the last 5 years I lost almost 80 pounds, I got into a size 10/12 and was rocking that and being proud and confident and sexy and amazing. I was jogging and even running a little bit, I was still swimming and dancing and walking as much as I could.
Now I've been forced to go back on medication that slows my metabolism to a crawl. I tried not taking it for a year and ended up hospitalized and close to in a coma for not taking it. I also lost 30 pounds without it. So now I'm seeing my weight creep back up and up and up. I'm making another med change at the same time which if it works will be a great long term change, but in the short term makes me very emotional and weepy.
The result is that I am a hot mess and I don't want to be fat again. I cry every time my stomach gets hungry two hours after a meal. I eat balanced meals and am getting more than enough nutrients and calories but I'm just hungry a lot. I cry when my clothes are so tight that I just want to be naked instead of wear ones that are bigger. Being slim has messed with my head and somewhere along the way healthy and slim got mixed up.
Here's the crux of the problem: Being Morbidly Obese is a medical death sentence.
Not taking my insulins (yes plural) is a medical death sentence.
I feel like I can't win for losing. And while I've never been afraid of death, I am terrified of not being alive to raise my child. I want her to have two parents that love and adore her and balance each other out. I also want her to learn my healthy habits and not learn that her self esteem should be linked to her self image.
I am going to keep taking my meds, though I'm waiting to see a specialist about trying a new class of insulins that doesn't have as many side effects and should be more effective than what I'm taking presently. I just need to find a way back to being a dead sexy and confident 185 pounds until I can get it back down again, or forever, whichever is realistic.
so yeah, I'm a weepy mess of juxtapositions and contradictions but I really need to pull myself out of it no matter what is going to happen to this body of mine.