Sunday, July 15, 2012
I've noticed a change in my perception of my looks.
As the scale was climbing, I hated the way I looked. By the time I hit 215 pounds, I was absolutely disgusted. "Look at those rolls! Your back and your legs are especially gross. The cellulite is taking over your whole body! Grab some compression underwear to squeeze all that goo in to and pray no one realizes the awful truth underneath." Quite frankly, if a crazy lunatic had taken me hostage and required me to undress in front of the public, I may have opted to have him shoot me instead. I would have been mortified.
The scale eventually went all the way up to 229 pounds before I started to do something about it. I've been a member of Sparkpeople for years and years. I know the program works, but consistency (and a desire to be perfect) has always been my issue. So I've really made a concerted effort to keep things in proportion this time. Yes, I have days where I eat more than I'm supposed to. But this time, I don't just throw my hands in the air, say I've blown it and keep eating. I just own my poor choices and move on. No one's perfect and if this is going to be a lifetime change, I have to accept that. Perfection for a whole lifetime isn't an attainable goal, nor should it be. Some days, I really do need more to eat. Some days, having a little something sweet, even if it puts me over on calories, is worth it because I'm craving it.
Another change this time has been that I've begun the 5K Rookie Running Program. I've tried running in the past. In 2009, I signed up for a 5K and did the Couch to 5K running program and successfully completed it. I ran a 5K race (my first ever) - and finished dead last. My time was 41:08. Compared to others on the message boards, not exceptionally slow. The race was small (less than 100 people) and logic told me that I shouldn't worry about it. But I used it as an excuse to quit. I was running for the wrong reasons.
This time, I refuse to worry about time. I run as fast as is comfortable. I relish the feeling I have when I complete another training day. I'm proud of my accomplishment and I'm taking the time to enjoy being outside. I've found music that motivates me and makes me smile while I run. I really look forward to the next workout and I have to make myself take those mandatory rest days that are so important for beginning runners. I did sign up to do another 5K. This time around, the 5K is several months after I complete the training program. Plenty of time to prepare without stress. And it is taking place in a large city - they are allowing up to 3700 people to sign up! I know the race this time will be different - not because I could run it better, but because my only goal is to have a good time and enjoy the camaraderie of other runners.
Which gets back to the point of this blog entry - relatively beautiful. I find it amazing the change in the perception of my appearance now. Once again, I am seeing 215 pounds register on the scale. But when I look in the mirror, I'm happy with what I see. My legs aren't small, but to me they look fabulous. Perhaps it's because I know those legs are giving me such enjoyment as they take me on runs. I don't stuff myself in to girdles - they aren't comfortable and I'm not going to be miserable all day. I deserve to feel good, and I do! And perhaps the most beautiful thing about me is the fact that I'm laughing and smiling all the time. My life is great! So I guess the old adage that "beauty is on the inside" is really true - and the best part is that even though it is on the inside, it has a way of showing on the outside, too.