Sunday, July 15, 2012
Thirty Five pounds of fat burned off of this body, with 35 pounds of ugly fat to delete. I feel better. I hated myself at 201, and finally did something when the scale shot to 209! I have been fat for so long, with periods of thinner but never skinny. I worked hard to lose weight, but 15 pounds found me after Christmas, and I was hating myself for letting that happen. I read all of the Sparks' blogs and articles, and finally something clicked inside of my mind. I transformed the idea that I was to blame, into "The choice is up to me". It was a long time in coming, and it was a hard fact to face. I was out of control and addicted to all food, healthy and fatty. I read 'on to victory's' blog and realized that I was brainwashed to be fat. Sure, it started with my Grandma, and Mom, but I carried the fat habit into the 21st Century- along with 80 pounds of fat on my tiny frame. If I could be programmed to binge, overeat, compulsively snack, and make lousy food choices, I could be re-programmed to make healthy food choices, stop snacking, limit the plate to one serving, and stop eating late night in front of the TV. I am using computer terms, but brainwashing or re-training is the concept. My internal thoughts and ideas are my own worst enemy, and I daily work to change them into the healthy ideas and goals. I made a collage, I posted slogans all over the house, and I carry my goals and thoughts with me on pieces of paper laminated with clear packaging tape. It got me this far, and it feels good.
It turns out- that was the easy part. I am working my vision, logging my food, accepting the consequences of poor food choices, and celebrating the benefits of healthy food choices. It took a long time for my family and co-workers to notice the changes, and that was good. Now, I feel like I am in the spotlight. Everyone keeps commenting on my weight loss and asking me all sorts of questions. One of them called me skinny- I asked, "how can I be skinny in an extra large top?" I know I look better, I just don't want everyone making such a big deal about it. Just when I think I have a handle on it, I get ambushed with another weight loss notice/question. I guess, what I really want is for everyone to forget the fat me, and just accept the thinner me, the me that was inside... but that Me no longer exists, either. I am reinventing myself from the inside, out, and the old, fat me is slowly fading into old memories as I keep changing my internal dialogue. So, I am Me, not at my goal, but me still trying to get to my goal; and no longer me being fat and me no longer hating myself... and me not giving up on myself. I am a parade of past, present, and future all inside my head. So, that requires my new beginning. I need to add a new game plan to my internal dialogue, and add a new slogan to my habits and get a grip on my feelings. I am an ex-comfort eater in the making, and I am seriously getting out of my comfort zone . I want people to see that I am only half way there and stop acting as if I am at my goal. OKAY! I want people to read my mind and track my weight- OKAY! Now I see the problem. I am asking too much from casual coworkers, and I am trying to keep my privacy as I learn how to be 'not fat'.
There, that is my new beginning. My second half of my weight loss goal and vision. To keep instilling my new habits of health and freedom from food addictions as I adjust to the new attitudes by outsiders and the me inside. I expected the changes to happen when I got to my goal, not on the way. Now I see why everyone keeps talking about their weight loss journey. It is a journey, not just a destination. A journey that does not stop when I reach my "goal weight", but rather my continuing journey through life. Now I understand why I was so taken by the slogan one of the sparkers had - "If you're tired of starting over, stop giving up." There is the link between action and outcome. I am always going to be in motion, on a journey, making choices, living my life.... all in action. Another new idea. As I start the second half.