When I started this journey four and a half years ago, I was primarily looking for healing... I suppose because, in part, I really didn't realize just how fat I was...
(read more here: I Have a Confession www.sparkpeople.com/mypa
... though really, being thin was so much less important to me than being well and able to manage my life. The following was on my SparkPage for the longest time, until I copied it over to replace my first blog entry (which wasn't much of an entry because at the time I was paralyzed at the idea of writing... funny how things change):
"I suspect the weight and feeling out of control are related, so I'm looking forward to a greater sense of control in my life, generally, as my weight goes down.... Taking off the weight is the foundation for change in my life. And rather than giving 'what's not working' so much room to roam around on a daily basis, re-focussing on what makes me 'purr' inside is the next step.... I struggle with motivation in all areas of my life - I'm a great starter, an instigator, an animator - not such a great finisher. This is why I believe that losing the weight will be key for me - I think the lessons I learn in this process will be the tools I need to be more effective in my life, generally.... I am now more concerned with the outcomes than I am with the obstacles."
READ more here:
Now, four years later, I can't really separate the two... goal weight and healthy are synonymous... as they should be... my weight has a meaningful context... and to finally be physically moving beyond that beginning point in every respect moves me beyond words most days. Emotionally, spiritually and mentally I am light years ahead, and it's now time for my body to catch up.
It's all part of the reason I'm a lot more quiet than I was for my first three years here. I still read as many blogs as ever (I realized early on that teams and challenges would never really be my best path to success), and I continue to be moved by the stories of everyone trying to find their emotional, physical, spiritual 'sweet spot'. Even, and perhaps especially, when I disagree with the writer I am moved to consider, examine and refine my own steps. This process of continual examination and revision, more than any other, is responsible for my successes at this point. Honestly, if I had known four years ago that I'd still be here still trying to get it all 'just right' I'm certain killing myself would have crossed my mind... and with each stumble on the path I have felt some pretty dark moments. Still working at this four years later was not part of my plan. I wanted it all fixed NOW... I still do some days, actually, LOL!
Yet I've come to realize something that runs deeper than results... my journey to health, well-being and a healthy weight is simply about living and telling my story, and these last four years are the better part. My journey these last four years represents some of the most important struggling I've ever done... and that says something considering the rest of my life. When I'm finally at goal weight - strong, healthy and vibrant - I'm not going to have any more trash to take out, no more insecurities to resolve, no more things to 'fix'... I'm just going to step off these pages and live my life in all it's glory!
Yeah, yeah... I'm aware of how that sounds (true as it is on some levels), LOL... I probably thought similar things four years ago. You might be thinking similar things now.
Here's the thing, though... I'm *already* living that life. So are you!
The life I want is here... NOW... between the lines of my story as I write it. Moment by moment (unless I'm just connecting dots laid down by others to follow), I am becoming, resolving, discovering, healing until the day I die.
I'm already living 'off these pages' because every change I manage to identify, define and refine here is immediately put into practice, and my daily life transforms. This what SparkPeople, and the journey to a healthy weight is all about... having the courage to be transformed... and transformation involves evolving through mistakes, missteps, detours, defiance, challenges, stumblings and imperfection... sometimes it even involves devolving to reclaim aspects of ourselves and our life that got left behind in error and grief. Sometimes transformation involves simply remembering who we really are.
I'm doing all of the above... as well as a lot of devolving and remembering who I am, stumbling, detouring, reclaiming and, as a result, I have a greater sense of control over my life as my weight goes down, and (at the very least) the process of eliminating the fat from my body is a solid foundation for the life I really want (but it will never be my life... don't do to lose weight, that which you would never do to maintain it) and I'm once again inclined to purr more often than not... and somewhere down the road, in a future I can now actually envision, I WILL be a finisher.
This is why Paleo... this is what 'Paleo' (and the journey toward the moment where I could see it as my truth) has brought to my life. This is my story so far.
...And yeah, 'Paleo' is an imperfect term and profoundly inaccurate (don't throw the baby out with the bathwater simply because you can't see it for what it is)... but it's a place to begin (movements have to start somewhere), and asks important questions:
"Who was I called to be before I got distracted with non-essentials and empty promises?"
"How do I live/eat in order to best reflect my true, created nature?"
"What best serves all I am created to be?"
"What frees me to have a full, vibrant, and limitless life?"
Why Paleo, indeed! I offer some of my favourite stories written in the context of 'Paleo'... I pray you are further inspired to write your own:
Fom Cancer Back to Health
Primal vs. The Pyramid – My 20 Year Weight Loss and Body Transformation Story
Paul & Cynthia
What Does It Mean to Be a Fat-Burning Beast?
Ancient Wisdom Confirmed by Modern Science
Life is Great
James, Scott, James, Marc
World’s Toughest Mudders
My Son is Growing!
Amy & Ed
The “Aha” Moment: When Clarity Happens and Real Change Begins
You Want to Eat Like a Hunter-Gatherer
Grok the High Schooler
Finding the Person Within: A Mother and Daughter Journey
Donna, her daughter and her mother
Three Generations Living Primal
Suicide: One Bite at a Time
A Primal Woman Looks at 50+
I Didn’t Just “Manage” My Condition, I Beat It, and Wiped the Floor With It
25 Years of Health Struggles Overcome
When Eating Healthy is Making You Fat!
Don't You Just Love Making Doctors Speechless
Tons of Doctors and No Solution
Primal Girl in a Modern World
Paleo for Women
...Because you have a story to LIVE!
JUST DO IT.
'BEFORE' Pictures (May 31, 2009 - September, 2011) & Continuing PROGRESS (February 2012)! Next pictures September 1, 2012!
(I'm now keeping these right under my nose... in addition to being part of every blog I post, they are printed off and taped to my bedroom mirror)
Measurements, Musings & Motivation to MOVE!
(UPDATED/rewritten: JUNE, 2012)
I've Reached My Goal Weight!!!!!!!
NOTE: My weight tracker is NOT a truthful representation of my weight. Instead, I am using it as a tool to help me visualize my goal as though it's already been achieved!
UNTIL. (My 'Just Do It' blog)
DONE Girl Love...
(the footsteps into which I place my own feet)
Why I'm STILL here... my SparkJourney Saga
Words CAN Be Enough... page 3