Saturday, July 14, 2012
I could use any help, suggestions, or encouragement right now.
I have stumbled. Let's be real, I have fallen and I can't get up!
I do keep trying. I fall down and reach up my hand to the kitchen counter and refrigerator and get the eggs, peaches, turkey, broccoli. And it all feels good. And then I stumble over a cookie or ice cream and realize that this behavior is making me lose ground.
The seatbelt in the car is a little tighter. Shirts are a little more stretchy over my tummy.
None of this has been enough to spur my head and heart back on the straight and narrow. I have found quotes and printed them out. I read them. They make me feel better and stronger. But I haven't committed to posting them on the wall yet.
It's been a rough summer and we are only halfway through. I have 2 jobs now. My son has 2 jobs. We have one car. There is a balancing act going on. And I am STILL working out weightlifting at my gym. At least 3 days a week and this week 4. That's one day dedicated to squatting, one day of presses, one day of deadlifts, and one day, today, of bench press. Each lifting session is followed by a conditioning set.
But, I am reminded by my virtual workout buddy (my former lifting trainer) that working out is only 10%. The other 90% is good nutrition. No amount of lifting is going to rid me of all this fat.
I need to re-focus on my nutrition. I need to know that I HAVE sabatoged myself. I lost 90 lbs. I got scared. I didn't know what the future holds. And it scared me. I think it terrified me.
Yesterday was my youngest child's 19th birthday. His birthday is a reminder each year of not only how awesome he is, but that I haven't dated since he was born. (My husband left me with my 3 children 2 weeks after he was born.) 19 years and no one has even asked me out.
I want like everyone else to be loved for who I am. When you are "alone" for this long, you seriously have to think about how horrible a person you might be. I think I am a nice, caring, honest, and generous person. But there has to be something wrong with me. Can it just be my obese appearance/reality? I don't want people to be so shallow that it really is about my appearance. But at the same time, it has been so long that I don't even know if I would recognize someone being interested in me. And it's not just a dating relationship.
I have finally realized that it is just my whole relationship to the world that is/would change. I need to redefine myself in my world. I have done or not done things for years because of my weight. And it won't go away quickly. But working out and realizing even at this weight I am MUCH MORE capable of doing things than I thought has made me question what more I will be able to do as I continue to lose weight.
For years I have expressed a desire to kayak on the Chesapeake Bay or in the ocean. I want to parasail. But I can't because of my weight. But what happens when I can? Will that change whether I want to? I don't think so at all. But maybe I wasn't ready for it. I don't know.
I read so many blogs about the mental part of this journey, especially I think for the morbidly obese. And I never understood it because I hadn't hit that. It was so wonderful being lighter and more fit, why would anyone not be mentally healthier too?
Maybe it is because I am alone. Most of the time. Day and night. I work from home. I have no one I can talk to. I don't know. I do know that I wish sometimes I had someone to give me a mental health check.
And what I realized--again??--is that it is not only the eating well and working out that YOU have to be responsible for, but it is also the mental part. Only I can decide what is right for me. Only I can say why I am doing this. Only I can decide if I am comfortable with where I am heading.
That doesn't mean I don't need other people. I need you all. I need you to hear how you are doing and to know what/how/when you did it. I need those checks. They are my mental checks. But ultimately, no one, NO ONE, else is going to decide in the end what is right for me.
Deciding to eat healthier. I have to do that. But I need SP to get nutritional info, what has worked for others, what hasn't. Without SP I never would have gone to 5 meals a day, which has worked really well for me. (And is one of the issues I am having this summer since I am again struggling with eating at all.)
Continuing to work out. Every day this is a battle I have to overcome. And without SP to tell me what each of you do, how you mix things up, new things to try, the workout videos, I would not be where I am today.
Getting my head in the game and knowing where I am headed. That is for me to figure out too. But, I have people on SP that I admire for their dedication and re-dedication, their success, and their struggles. It helps so much to know I am not alone, even though a lot of times I am physically.
Yeah, I need your help. I need your feedback. And I need your encouragement.
And I hope you need/want mine too!