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    BAYBELIEVER   31,162
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Help. Suggestions. Encouragement.

Saturday, July 14, 2012

I could use any help, suggestions, or encouragement right now.

I have stumbled. Let's be real, I have fallen and I can't get up!

I do keep trying. I fall down and reach up my hand to the kitchen counter and refrigerator and get the eggs, peaches, turkey, broccoli. And it all feels good. And then I stumble over a cookie or ice cream and realize that this behavior is making me lose ground.

The seatbelt in the car is a little tighter. Shirts are a little more stretchy over my tummy.

None of this has been enough to spur my head and heart back on the straight and narrow. I have found quotes and printed them out. I read them. They make me feel better and stronger. But I haven't committed to posting them on the wall yet.

It's been a rough summer and we are only halfway through. I have 2 jobs now. My son has 2 jobs. We have one car. There is a balancing act going on. And I am STILL working out weightlifting at my gym. At least 3 days a week and this week 4. That's one day dedicated to squatting, one day of presses, one day of deadlifts, and one day, today, of bench press. Each lifting session is followed by a conditioning set.

But, I am reminded by my virtual workout buddy (my former lifting trainer) that working out is only 10%. The other 90% is good nutrition. No amount of lifting is going to rid me of all this fat.

I need to re-focus on my nutrition. I need to know that I HAVE sabatoged myself. I lost 90 lbs. I got scared. I didn't know what the future holds. And it scared me. I think it terrified me.

Yesterday was my youngest child's 19th birthday. His birthday is a reminder each year of not only how awesome he is, but that I haven't dated since he was born. (My husband left me with my 3 children 2 weeks after he was born.) 19 years and no one has even asked me out.

I want like everyone else to be loved for who I am. When you are "alone" for this long, you seriously have to think about how horrible a person you might be. I think I am a nice, caring, honest, and generous person. But there has to be something wrong with me. Can it just be my obese appearance/reality? I don't want people to be so shallow that it really is about my appearance. But at the same time, it has been so long that I don't even know if I would recognize someone being interested in me. And it's not just a dating relationship.

I have finally realized that it is just my whole relationship to the world that is/would change. I need to redefine myself in my world. I have done or not done things for years because of my weight. And it won't go away quickly. But working out and realizing even at this weight I am MUCH MORE capable of doing things than I thought has made me question what more I will be able to do as I continue to lose weight.

For years I have expressed a desire to kayak on the Chesapeake Bay or in the ocean. I want to parasail. But I can't because of my weight. But what happens when I can? Will that change whether I want to? I don't think so at all. But maybe I wasn't ready for it. I don't know.

I read so many blogs about the mental part of this journey, especially I think for the morbidly obese. And I never understood it because I hadn't hit that. It was so wonderful being lighter and more fit, why would anyone not be mentally healthier too?

Maybe it is because I am alone. Most of the time. Day and night. I work from home. I have no one I can talk to. I don't know. I do know that I wish sometimes I had someone to give me a mental health check.

And what I realized--again??--is that it is not only the eating well and working out that YOU have to be responsible for, but it is also the mental part. Only I can decide what is right for me. Only I can say why I am doing this. Only I can decide if I am comfortable with where I am heading.

That doesn't mean I don't need other people. I need you all. I need you to hear how you are doing and to know what/how/when you did it. I need those checks. They are my mental checks. But ultimately, no one, NO ONE, else is going to decide in the end what is right for me.

Deciding to eat healthier. I have to do that. But I need SP to get nutritional info, what has worked for others, what hasn't. Without SP I never would have gone to 5 meals a day, which has worked really well for me. (And is one of the issues I am having this summer since I am again struggling with eating at all.)

Continuing to work out. Every day this is a battle I have to overcome. And without SP to tell me what each of you do, how you mix things up, new things to try, the workout videos, I would not be where I am today.

Getting my head in the game and knowing where I am headed. That is for me to figure out too. But, I have people on SP that I admire for their dedication and re-dedication, their success, and their struggles. It helps so much to know I am not alone, even though a lot of times I am physically.

Yeah, I need your help. I need your feedback. And I need your encouragement.

And I hope you need/want mine too!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

NOTABOUTHEFACE 7/15/2012 9:39PM

    I would love to be able to sprinkle some verbal magic on your plate and make the weight loss thing suddenly palatable. You and I both know that unfortunately there is nothing anyone can say that will make it all click into place for you. It can't for any of us. As much love and support as we get from each other, it doesn't mean much if you aren't fully able to give all of yourself to the journey. Even I can't. It's a struggle...each of us has our own demons to battle.

All I can do is wish you the best, offer an ear if you need someone to listen and hope that everything lines up for you to kick butt and do what is best for you.

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MAMADWARF 7/15/2012 9:25PM

    As wise as I am, I have no answers (shocking!!). I can tell you that I find you warm, smart, thoughtful, strong and bold. I value our friendship here. I can also tell you when you are open to things, they start coming for you. I think it is good you are starting to look at wanting to things you never have and thinking about maybe dating. That's the first step my dear. Its all put there waiting for you. When you are ready, it will come. My favorite motto is timing is everything.

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BE-THE-CHANGE 7/15/2012 9:21AM

    Debbie, I am at the same loss for real life friendship as you are. I do work in an office, but they are co-workers and acquaintances, not friends. How can they be when I can't vent to them about work and trust that it will stay between the two of us??

I have a SIL that lives nearby but she and I don't see eye-to-eye on many things. Again, not someone I can be friends with.

I have joined three different boards, and I'll be honest, part of my motivation was to meet new people and make some friends. But again, it's not working out that way. We do have one common interest, but it's not really enough to build a friendship on. As I talk to people, I realize we really don't have much more in common and the conversations don't last past the board meetings.

For the majority of my life, I've always made friends through my kids. I'd meet people at school functions, the kids wanting to have friends over, whatever. But as the kids got older and moved on, those friendships (?) went by the wayside as well. If I am honest, I really don't know how to make friends. I am shy and not very good at initiating conversations. It is SO much easier to do here, where for the most part people don't judge.

Sorry to hijack your space. I think we need to learn to be our own friends before we can be friends with other people. I know I need help getting to that point. Let's help each other.
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PINK-PEONY 7/15/2012 2:17AM

    Rather than work alone, I work with people at their worst. Inviting people into my personal space is really hard for me, because I assume everyone is a criminal thinker and just waiting for my guard to go down.

You are recognizing that you want to change, and that's a big part of the cycle. As far as people to talk to, you might practice with the people you see every time you make a purchase. When you get fuel in your busy car, go inside the store and ask the cashier how their day is going, same with oil changes. The cashier at the grocery store, the clerk at the deli counter, or the dude at the library may work out at the gym the same time you do. Somebody at the sporting goods store might have a great opinion on a weight belt or shoes for cardio. These little steps will make you more aware of the people around you and how you interact with them, and it just might build up into acquaintences and potentially a friend or two.

I think you are awesome. You were so helpful to me when you were my team buddy on the biggest loser challenge. I am glad you are still here an still fighting to take care of yourself. You know you are worth the effort it will take to get your health back to it's optimum level. However hard it is to lose the weight, I have convinced myself it's harder to stay fat. Tired knees, tired hips, too much money spent on food, more time spent wishing how I want my life to be instead of making it how it should be. Let's just do what we need to because it's the right think to do until we want to.

You're still working out, and you felt better with 5 meals a day. Just keep it up, pretty soon you'll feel it again. So proud of you for lifting heavy! Strong is fabulous!

Hugs,
Melissa

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BAYBELIEVER 7/14/2012 10:17PM

    I just want to say that I do have a gym I belong to and some volunteering that I do. But nothing clicks. See. Everyone suggests these things that I am doing and I still am not finding any "friendships". I am not being defensive here, just wanted to make sure that was clear. It is one of the things that makes me sometimes feel like I am not the okay person I think I am.

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DIFROMWYOMING 7/14/2012 10:08PM

    I would recommend a club or group of some kind, too, but I've said that before! :) There are many out there- from a reading group to philanthropist groups to whatever. Volunteer one night a week at a shelter for animals or a daycare center or hospital or? I don't know...but maybe ending some of the isolation will help. Well, once your son is back at college and you have a car back at least!
As for the mental journey- you're right- it's all you. All you. All me. And we keep pushing, pushing...because we can't NOT do it.
Love you lady, Hugs, Di

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DAWNWATERWOMAN 7/14/2012 9:23PM

    Maybe instead of just getting serious... we need to get ANGRY! Maybe if we are angry we can be our own "drill sergeants". Eat that salad, drink that water, chew that fruit, do that cardio, grilled not fried.... we KNOW all the right things to do... but we just get into the "I give up" state of mind and do all the old stuff.

I'm sorry that you're lonely. I've been there. I started my own Yahoo group for admirers of BBW & SSBBWs... that's how I met my husband and also made a lot of friends. Maybe that's an option for you. Someone also suggested clubs. There is a group called The Eagles here... they have dances & do volunteer work but have socials... it sounds like fun. Just some thoughts. Lonely sucks. It's even worse to feel lonely when you have someone sitting on the other side of the bed playing computer games and not talking for hours at a time...... but that's another story.

I'm here my friend. I'm getting angry and serious and together we can kick one another's butt! I need it! Love you, Dawn emoticon

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LOOZINITNOW 7/14/2012 5:19PM

    I have yet to break the mental barrier for good myself. I do know that loving yourself at this moment, where you are and at this weight, is a MUST! I have learned to love myself and carry confidence wherever I go. It makes a big difference in relationship building. People sense that. I hope this helps even a little.

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MELLYBEANS0919 7/14/2012 12:50PM

    emoticon I think looking into joining a club/group would be a great idea...even a 'ladies only' one. Make some friends. Being alone so much really wears on a person. The mental part is truly the hardest, at least for me in this healthy lifestyle change game. Once we have that down, I think we can do anything. Believe in yourself.



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MELISSA8376 7/14/2012 12:09PM

    No I'm not as over weight as some. But to me I am. It's just as hard to wrap my mind around and just as hard to get going. Things that have got me going. Learn what works for you. Do what you like/love.
To start I knew I had to get rid of anything that wasn't right for me. So I ate, yes, I ate everything that I knew I couldn't eat on a daily basis. I couldn't throw it away. I'm not a waster. Then I DO NOT buy packages of anything that I will/could eat all of like... on my days off I may want a doughnut, candy, icecream, etc. But I don't buy a whole package, I buy a single serving. So I don't keep junk food in my house.
I figured out what I did like healthy wise. No i'm not a big salad person. I do like it from time to time BUT I do not MAKE my self eat it just cuz its healthy. I only do what I want. I haven't even started working out again except to walk my dogs about twice a week. I pay attention to what I like and what works for me. I am totally in my head now, which is the best place to be. I think about the weight watchers monster dude as the fat version of me. And he is in there too. But I Have taped/chained him to the wall. I know exactly where he is and that he ain't doing crap to me. I didn't kick him out totally because I think of him as a disease. If I did kick him out would I notice that he/she climbed in a window and has slowly started doing his damage?? So no I know exactly where she is, I keep her in check, and of course kick her every once in a while because I can. lol. Not saying I beat myself up cause I don't.
And when I am at work standing in front of the vending machine because I forgot to pack my snack i think about tomorrow. I weigh myself EVERY DAY (cuz it works for me and I know I won't always). I visualize tomorrow weighing in and gaining or not losing BECAUSE of my bad MOMENTARY choice. But if I choose to not eat it and I see -.2 then I will feel GREAT. At that present moment I drink some water or make a healthier choice, cuz there are a few, and I mentally check on my WW monster, check the chains, refasten the tape, and yes KICK her. lol cuz I AM DOING THIS AND YOU CAN TOO.
ps I also have no family or friends to help me so I am doing it all alone. I do have one friend that I hang out with buy no connection with helping me lose weight. I will help in anyway I can. I remember how hard it was in the weeks building up to my own program, how I was going to do it.
Sorry its soo long, but I hope I helped even in the tiniest bit. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
Oh and I drink sooo much water its ridiculous. I gained today because of it yesterday lol.

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TRUCKER72 7/14/2012 12:05PM

    I don't know about everybody else, but Baybeliever, I am still here, slugging it out one step, one lap, one cauliflower, one ice cream cone, one sit down at a time. I too have opted out of alot of things I have wanted because of my weight but I can't give up and neither can you. Maybe you need to visit another city or another gym and smile at some new faces. Maybe your discouragement is coming from boredom as well as the isolation. Maybe you need to find a new way to move your body that brings you joy. The 'sad' 'reality' is that what 'they' have been telling us all along is true- this is YOUR journey and your journey alone. No one can get you to the pool or the trail or the gym and no one can make you kick your legs, eat that broccoli nor smile at strangers - your life rests on your own shoulders, but the awesome part is that in faith, you have Someone to bear your load. You are never alone and you always have Someone to rest in. Don't give up!

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DANIELGREY 7/14/2012 11:57AM

    Your blog is really honest and inspirational - thanks for being so candid with us.

One thing that I've been contemplating recently is that willpower is like any other muscle in the body - it needs to be utilized to gain strength, and when you overexert yourself, it can't do any more until you've rested and regained energy. If your energy is going toward loneliness, or those two jobs, or the stress of making ends meet, then it's the same as running a marathon and expecting to complete your weight training circuit with no problem. Your endurance will grow over time, of course! But so long as you're pulled in so many directions, you must be careful and wise with how you expend your willpower.

Remember to love yourself and respect yourself for who you are, not how much excess body fat is under your skin. One slip up - or even a bunch of slip ups - does not ruin you, or your diet, or the things you care about most. Be compassionate and understanding with you and your body, the same you would for your own children. Instead of allowing anger, sadness, frustration, or hopelessness to guide your actions, take your inner child's hand and help her off the floor. Brush her off, give her a big hug, and tell her that you'll try again, together.

Best of luck, friend.
Danny

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TORTISE110 7/14/2012 11:42AM

    I work alone too, and it IS a challenge, though there is no pressure to eat what others are eating and that's a plus. But still. Getting isolated is deadly. Maybe a real life buddy for the "active" life or some activity that gets you with others on a regular basis would make a difference. Good luck to you. It's hard to figure what the "spark" is to get us going when we lapse, I know! Good luck to you and I'm sorry you're in a hard spot right now.

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