Loss of a good friend, reflecting of being a mother, and a new goal...
Thursday, July 12, 2012
What a strange week...full of all emotions possible, I'm trying to get my mind in order to function again, I feel so out of it.
My cat died on Monday...her name was Lucy. She was my first cat I ever got when I was just starting out on my own, my co-worker said her cat was pregnant and ready to deliver some kittens any day now so I told her if there was a black cat that I would take it. Sure enough the runt of the litter was a little black kitty cat, a girl but she had a secret...she had a white belly but you would never know that unless she showed it to you. I named her Lucy for her feisty attitude that I immediately picked up on after a short week of trying to name her. Lucy from the peanuts gang - a strong woman! She was there for me in my 20's as I was trying to figure out life and she moved 4 times during her lifespan of 11 years and when we finally settled down in our own home, we bought a puppy and turned her life upside down but they were great sisters, never fought and even played from time to time. We had a baby - she stayed away from him for the most part but I would see her come up to him every now and then and rub her head against him as to say "hey, you are ok". She was my first baby girl, she was my alarm cat, she was my lap warmer, she was my baby and those memories will never leave. She was diagnosed with intestinal lymphoma right before Christmas of last year, they gave her maybe a month to live and that was with the medicine...remember how I named her Lucy for being a strong woman - boy was I right! She lived an extra 7 months on top of that and we were lucky to have her a little longer. She passed at home on Monday in a comfy spot that hubby and I made for her when I could tell it was time, she slipped away so soundly and looked like a little kitty angel. In our backyard we have been wanting to plant another rosebush next to the 3 we already have so we buried her next to those 3 rosebushes and now we will plant a gorgeous 4th rosebush on top of her grave site. I put next to her our last family picture of ALL of us together on Christmas morning and wrote my loving message to her on the back.
I have been throwing things away and giving others away just to get rid of the constant reminders that she is not there anymore but other memories come up like when I was opening up the windows for the evening air to come in, I remember she would jump right into the windowsill to just gaze outside. I opened a can of green beans last night and I remember she would ALWAYS come meowing when I opened anything in hopes that it was tuna fish for her! We now have to be awoken by our alarm clocks now instead of my sweetie meowing at us to woke up at least 10 minutes before our alarm would technically go off - yes, I miss being woken up early! I miss all those things, I feel bad for my doggie because she is in mourning too...I can tell so I give her extra love and treats - we are all suffering and I will stop grieving when I'm ready, nobody can force me to turn off my feelings - she was my first baby and I will never forget her.
Now...at the same time as all of this sadness I am preparing for my son's 1st birthday party this Sunday the 15th. I am still trying to focus on making this a special day for him as well as myself and everyone invited. It's been a crazy year as any new parent would tell you, and you can't believe that it's been a year already but thankful for the cherished memories of having a newborn and seeing him grow up into this little man with a personality, it's truly incredible! I'm excited to see how he reacts to everything and I hope he knows that I have tried my best being a new mom and I am learning new stuff everyday and I know I cannot be perfect but I can try and be everything to him. He is our miracle baby - we were at a point where we thought we would never have a baby, after having lost 4 babies and then having Rylan a month early and him just thriving after a few scary weeks is just AMAZING to me and my husband, like we would just look at each other on a sleepless night and just be amazed by our blessing and ask each other " can you believe he is ours"? It's just beyond words and that is where my extreme happiness comes from so therefore I am having extreme sadness mixed with extreme happiness - whoa!
So along with those 2 big events in my life I am on this weight loss confusing journey and my relationship to food is wavering on borderline problematic. I know what to do, I have been there done that...but my overwhelming emotions have been getting the best of me and my cravings for baked goods is my issue so I am working through that to at least have a small portion with lots of water instead of the whole pan of brownies so we are making baby steps and honestly it's been working, I usually confess in my blogs and I'm totally being honest! LOL
My HR dept sent out an email today saying that our boss is supporting a 5K MUD RUN on Oct 6th and will pay our registration fee if we get a team together so after thinking hard about it....I signed up!! Now, let me tell you I work with pretty much all fit, and athletic people so I am so very nervous to be able to stay with them during the run so I figure that should give me enough motivation to train for this in the next 3 months and train hard for it so I will sign up for the Spark to 5K program again on Monday (after Ry's birthday party of course) and give 100% to it so I can be confident with my team and have some FUN in the process!
Sorry for the long blog...thanks for reading if you stuck around, I really needed to write today and this made me feel so much better even though I think I will require a hot bubble bath today, with a glass of moscato and a good hard cry and maybe I can be refreshed tomorrow...a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!