Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I just turned sixty-four! It’s a strange age – I read of so many leaving this world at this age, but then there is the frightening truth that I may have another thirty five years to go… So I have been trapped in a series of days that begin with hopes and schemes for a future that finally fulfills some of the dreams that have lingered at the edge of my mind all these years, and end with a vague dread that I will wake up to begin the hopeless cycle again.
What does this have to do with weight? I continue to hang onto the hope that if I reach a certain weight I will have the strength, the stamina, and the right to be happy. I don’t think it is simple happiness I seek now, but a feeling of content – that the world is right and good and the absolute joy that comes with it. I have had this at times in the past – the insane joy that knows all is well and ignores all the possible future pains and worries. I want it again. Does it really depend on my waist measurement? If I began each day with joy, wouldn’t the enthusiasm and excitement in my mind and step pull me away from the unhealthy habits that cause my extra weight? Am I so timid that I will continue to hide behind my weight?
I long to spend my days creating the way I used to do; why have I allowed that to slip away, as if I no longer deserve the simple pleasure and joy of creation? Why am I denying myself the life I actually have within my reach? Why am I not embracing the joy? Why am I using my fat to protect myself from possible rejection? Why do I give power to others? Why do I seek unconditional acceptance from the world when I am unable to give it? Why am I not “living in the moment”, but instead worrying about the unpredictable future? When can I just BE?
I have found the answer for my weight – JOY! What have I got to lose?