Wednesday, July 11, 2012
So on FB, I'm involved in a weight loss challenge that is being hosted by a blogger: Run with Jess (http://www.runwithjess.com/). My friend Lynne who runs marathons but still struggles with her weight invited me to the group. My other friend Sarah (the one who lays around all day, eats out every day, and still manages to lose 10 pounds every week) is involved as well.
Her blog post today talked about getting rid of that nagging voice that tells us we can't do things. We can't lose the weight. We can't run a mile. We're too slow to run a race or consider ourselves a runner. We can't hold that pose. We can't get fit and we will always be the fat girl.
In writing, it sounds simple--just don't think those thoughts...nip them in the bud when they start and refocus or reword what you are thinking into something positive.
While I was responding to her post, I realized that this doesn't happen just with weight loss for me. I hear that voice when I'm cooking (who do you think you are, Rachael Ray?), when I'm shopping (Please, you are too fat to fit into something cute.), even when I'm working on school stuff (How the hell did you think THAT would be a good idea?).
Yesterday for example, I spent some time putting together my binders for next year. I have one for my plan book, standards, backwards planning templates, professional development, and team meeting notes. I have another for my classroom, where things like behavior tracking sheets and job lists and emergency (what to do in case of a fire drill type stuff) will go. I have another one that will be devoted to data (MAP scores, ILPs, ALPs, RTI, DIBELS, Math assessments, Writing, and work samples). I was pretty pleased with them and made some pretty covers to put in the clear pockets in the front. A few hours later, I was reading something completely unrelated and caught them sitting stacked neatly on my coffee table. And then the doubts started. People are going to think you are an overachiever if you share them with anyone. None of that worked when you had it in D2 and you were still deemed an ineffective educator. Constance (my teammate with a doctorate and 20 more years of experience who lords it over me a lot of the time) is going to tell you you are being stupid. She already thinks it's a joke that you got that award--she should have gotten it--she has more experience and is a better teacher than you are.
Girls, I've got some issues. I won't lie. I can't pinpoint when it all started, but I'm pretty sure that it was somewhere around third and fourth grade (funny...the grades I teach). I don't want to place blame, because really there must have been something in my subconscious that was just waiting to be triggered, but the first time Eric Long called me a fat cow, I stared at him blankly, unbelieving him. And then he said it again, and again, and again, gradually going from insulting my awkward eight year old body to insulting my school work, my thoughts, my ideas, and eventually my feelings. These were the days when parents and other adults told little girls that if a boy "teased" her, it meant he really liked her. He must have had a hell of a crush on me, because his teasing lasted until we were out of high school.
And there are times when I feel REALLY confident in everything--my career, with my weight, in my relationship with Brad... I believe in my heart that I'm a great teacher, that the weight is coming off and I'm getting healthy, and that Brad really does love me and wants to marry me. But you know, when one area hears the self-doubt talk, the others join in and then I'm a mess for a while. Sometimes a while is 20 minutes. Sometimes, it's 2 hours. And sometimes it's a whole day of me obsessing over the horrible voices in my head, and wondering if I'm wrong to doubt them.
I fear that today will be the whole day. I'm supposed to go to a friend's to help him with his stupid master's project that he simply cannot do on his own for reasons I do not remotely understand. (I did mine all on my own, and spent almost an entire summer on it...and did VERY well.) And frankly, I don't want to. But I know if I don't, he'll be adversely impacted and I'll just get stuck cramming all of it into one day and leave his house not being able to walk because I was sitting for 16 hours (it's happened...I do not kid.)
So, I guess I'll do some yoga...I miss yoga. Another SP friend suggested doing something different when you're feeling out of sorts and don't feel like doing anything :P