Wednesday, July 11, 2012
I am so sick of this flipping addiction to food that I have. All day yesterday that liitle voice in my head kept trying to make excuses for me to eat what I wanted and not to worry about it. I tried fighting it, by going to the gym and working out. Unfortunately when my work out was done, my mind was still obsessing over my favorite binge foods, trying to fool me into believeing it would be okay to just have some. I called my sponsor and he listened for awhile and gave me some advice, which was nice, but did not do me any good. I could not get the thought of that "HIGH" I feel when I binge out of my head, it would not go away. I waited until late last night when my family was asleep and I drove down to carl's jr. I ordered a ridiculous amount of food, including a large oreo shake, that god only knows how many calories were in it alone. I went home and started pounding the food while watching David Letterman and I got that high I was looking for. I wish that I could tell you it was horrible and I regret it and it will never happen again. The truth is, it felt amazing and I was high as a kite. It was a temporary feeling of pure bliss and I didn't want it to end.
The problem is, I am a food addict. I know this behavior is killing me and that I need to stop. I just have not found a way that has worked yet. I am praying to god every night for help. I love my family and do not want to die at a young age. I am just so addicted, it is literally frightening. Thanks for letting me rant.