Tuesday, July 10, 2012
I accomplished all of my goals yesterday except for cleaning out the fridge, though I did get that done early in the afternoon. I have been drinking water with every meal, but I am still 2 cups shy of the eight needed to finish out the day. I've gone shopping and bought a ton of healthy snacks, including yogurt, cottage cheese, apples, carrots, celery. Animal crackers and goldfish crackers instead of oreos and potato chips. I feel pretty good about the food choices, though it will be interesting to see how the husband reacts when he gets home. His sweet tooth is worse than mine.
Dan's habits need to change. We've been drinking shakes and eating fries almost every night. Chips, ice cream and candy are favorites around here as well. He's at his heaviest right now, too, and I know he would like to lose weight to improve his running. He fights change so much, though. Our diet coke habit is intense and costly, but when I bring it up he only talks about how it is too hard to quit. Same with the junk food at night. When he allows himself crappy food in front of the tele, it makes it really hard for me to resist, especially since I love a good purge after everyone is in bed. I justify taking in the extra calories on the promise of that secret purge later in the night. Lately, I haven't followed through with it and it has added up to 5-10 lbs of weight gain over the last 6ish months. I know I can't control him, but it would be really nice to have someone to go through this with. It is a huge struggle for me right now. Huge.
Today I offered my tiny clothes to my MIL's neighbor. Her daughter is in high school and they are a hard-working family, as my MIL puts it. I feel good passing them on to someone who will use them, but it hurts so much to hold up x small tops and size 0 pants and know I'm giving up that motivation. I'm trying my hardest to break from that destructive thinking, from the part of my brain that tells me that I could drop 20 lbs in a month if I ate next to nothing. I could be there again by the start of fall if I just give in, if I just take control. I could get really sick and part of me thinks this is the perfect time to see how far I can go. I fight with this voice every. single. day. I've gained a ton of weight that I'm not okay with and it is so hard to set my goal as healthy, rather than thin.
The best hope I have is to remain positive and try to stay focused on a healthy and fit lifestyle. I would like to run, bike, hike. I'd like to feel clean inside, rather than heavy or light. I want strength and energy. If I try to focus on these things, maybe I have a chance of achieving some sort of acceptance. Maybe I can be happy with who I am.