Saturday, July 07, 2012
In less than 24 hours, I will be embarking on my trip to California. I am excited as I haven't been back to the Orange County area in over 2 years. But I'm also a little nervous because my ex-husband still lives in the close vicinity. I don't talk to him or know exactly where he lives in the area. I just know he's close. That makes me a little nervous because I really don't want to see him. That wouldn't be an issue if I thought he'd respect my wishes. But he rarely has respected my wishes, so I won't count on it. I don't think he knows I'm coming, but we did share some of the same friends and I do still talk to his mom, so there is the possibility that it slipped.
Interestingly enough, even though I'm nervous, I'm not afraid. It seems that the longer I am away from him, the less afraid of life I am. I don't find myself constantly looking over my shoulder worrying that I have to watch every move because someone might find out my "secret". I don't have any secrets anymore. I don't have to hide a bad - no let's be honest here - abusive home life. I don't have to pretend everything is fine. It's not pretend anymore. Life IS good.
You might be wondering what the heck any of this has to do with a progress report on my weight loss. Well, I'm going to tell you. In the past, when I've been nervous or excited, my first thought was to turn to food. Food was my comfort zone. Food made me feel good. Food was my "love affair". I never had to worry about food telling me all the ways I was wrong or all the ways I had failed. It'd make me feel good for a while, and when that feeling turned off, I searched for more to get that "feel good" feeling again. Is it any wonder I gained so much weight? I was feeding my body to quiet my feelings. I do recognize that now.
But in spite of everything that has been going on with me recently - and trust me, there has been a LOT of drama - in spite of the family get-togethers, the drama with my kids, drama with friends, etc, I haven't even thought of turning to food to drown out my emotions. Not once. The one day that I did overdo it, wasn't due to emotions, it was due to the fact that the cookies were there, and I ate one, and then wanted more. Even last night, when I ate very late for me, I didn't go for the foods I normally would have. I am so proud of myself because I was so hungry, and it was so late, and we were at a restaurant, the easy thing would have been to grab the comfort food. Instead, I allowed my youngest to talk me into eating a salad (sans dressing), and it was delicious and I didn't feel bloated when I walked out. I didn't feel like I had eaten a ton. I was comfortable, but most of all, I was happy with my choice and didn't have to wrestle with guilt at all. That's HUGE for me. That's something to be proud of. That's progress.
So, even if the scales don't register the loss I want it to (and due to my "cookie day" and a visit from TOM, it probably won't), I still feel like I had victory this week. I know that in spite of the one day that I overdid it, in all other ways, I followed the plan that I had put together for myself, and I did my very best. I can't ask for anything more than my best. As I keep reminding myself when I mess up, "It's ok to have a high standard. It's not ok to expect perfection in an imperfect world. Just get up and keep moving forward. Don't give up."
I'm not giving up. I refuse. I am currently at the lowest weight I have been at since 2006. I know I can reach my goal - I just have to keep moving forward.
Until Next Time,