Saturday, July 07, 2012
Thing shave kind of gone to hell in a hand basket. Im struggling with stress and having a hard time communicating what I feel so other understand, the result : Im a controlling Bitch. I feel overwhelmed with having to control everything, my controlling issues cause all the worlds problems, 'when I give up control and ask for help things still blow up in my face. Really being able to verbalize the issue is what I having the hardest time doing so im just bloggin to get it out and see if I can shed some clarity on what Im feeling.
I feel like When I ask for help Im bombarded with a 1000 questions about the
problem" only to find when I give exact direction it would have been easier/faster to do it myself. I cant figure out why what is common sense should need to be explained. But quite honestly it feels like when I ask someone for help they do as little as they can to appear to have helped but know im less likely to ask them to do it again because of the way they did it. Yes, I understand, no one is going to do things the way "I" would do them but me! I try to ask myself "Do I want someone to help me or do i want it done "my" way. " The later is not always so important.
The same goes when trying to make a decision, even a seemingly simple one about what to do for the day. I want to be able to just release control and allow people to decide, but honestly all their decisions suck. Imagine spending the day people watching at Taco Bell, whole playing scrabble on the bathroom floor. I mean sometimes their ubsurd suggestions seem like a joke to me. Or worse they dont take things that are important into consideration like "is there a bathroom around, since we have a newly potty trained almost 3yr old?," Or they will decided mid day they want to drive 1.5 hours away to do something. Well that much time in the car and far away takes a lot of planning./packing (which I dont mind with the proper notice....like tell me the night before).
But I dont want to be like this. I want to be the fly by the seat of my pants type of girl, who has fun and adventures around every turn. But the moment I relax my control everything goes to pot! If you could see my stomach, you would understand. All my "food choices" this past week have landed right there, and no im not exaggerating. I cant seem to relax in just one area of my life without going downhill with my food. I have learned on more than one occasion I cant be trusted with cheese or nuts. But I just cant seems to stop myself from try/try.trying again....like Seifeld in "The Bee Movie" ....This time, this time, this time. No binging on flour and sugar though, thats a step. Although that decision was made purely out of knowing how much the stuff tears my stomach apart. Literally, I accidentally ate a yogurt with sugar in it a few days again and was double over in pain for 4 hours after.... but i know nuts and cheese (and apparently sugar free choc) dont have that effect on me. So on date night instead of popcorn, I had 4 bags of trail mix in my purse to tide me over til dinner after....Lets just say between my husband and I we ate at least half each bag and still (although clearly not hungry) went out to dinner and each had a burger and fries (mine on gluten free bun).
Im using this LiveFit food plan as an excuse to eat more often, and more protein to keep my muscle mass but i have clearly gotten side tracked within my food addiction. I am still going to the gym although cardio if truly lacking!! I fighting more than ever with my husband who I adore and when hes not around I miss like crazy. But for some reason when we are together, the second I speak we fight, argue....we start off conversations defensive feeling on the attack. I am frustrated because I i trying hard to work on my part of the issues but feel like he's laying all our problems on the fact Im controling. I got it, I need to work on it, im trying....but what about his role in the equation. It cant just be me. But, yesterday especially, it felt like literally everything in the world was my fault.
I went to bed around 8:30 and slept great. There are big plans today! My little one turns 3 tomorrow but all the festivities are planned for today. Beach/pond, Tea Party, special visitors are arriving just for the day, party tonight, then walk for ice cream! I have decided not to go to the beach/pond I dont like anything about it and I will have a chance to wrap her gifts and go to the gym before they return. I have not told my MIL, but im sure it will go over like a ton of bricks...too bad.
Off and running, mind racing....anything insight on my controlling?