Saturday, July 07, 2012
Ten years. That is how long I have been struggling with my weight. I am just now starting to really feel the health impacts on my body and it really scares me. My problems run deep. I have been raised in a family where dinner was mac and cheese or hamburger helper. "Vegetables" was a four letter word. Even after I married and have been able to open my palate to more, better for me foods, I am still surrounded by people who do not exercise regularly or eat healthy at all. My husband frequents fast food even if the pantry and fridge are stocked full. I really enjoy cooking, but it becomes a chore in my small apartment kitchen.
Because of the way I was raised, I have become accustomed to eating junk food and large portions. Because I do not have the immediate support of my family and friends, I am constantly tempted and frequently give in to eating things I should not.
I love being with my family. We have cookouts a lot during the summer, but that just means cheap processed hot dogs or fatty ground beef hot dogs with chips and potato salad loaded with mayo. I usually bring fruit. Any time I try to switch things up it doesn't go over well. And it gets expensive. (have you seen how much more turkey hot dogs are compared to the .99 cent pack!?)
Along with the issue of no immediate support, I also have the issue of binge eating. I do not have a severe case, but I do go on spurts, almost daily, where I cannot stop myself from eating. It's just little things, but it is a lot of little things. And I feel horrible eating them and even worse afterwards.
I have been off an on when it comes to getting healthy. I usually do okay for a month or so and lose some weight, but then it just becomes too easy to stop. This last time it started with Easter and has just gone down hill since. It becomes so much easier to just buy the junk food to stop my husband from complaining, eating out with them instead of trying to cook something in the heat, and making excuses not to exercise.
The thing is, I know what to do. I know what works. I know how good it feels. I really don't understand why I give up so easy when I want it so bad. I was up to almost being able to jog a mile back at the beginning of the year and now I'm out of breath just climbing the stairs. I know that taking care of myself gives me more energy, I get more done, I just overall feel great. But I also know that it adds more stress.
I feel like I am constantly fighting a losing battle when my husband suggests we go to Burger King for dinner or out for ice-cream. If I say no then I'm just ruining the fun. The thing is, that he's never really said this either. I infer it from body language sometimes and sometimes I just use it as an excuse. I really want that ice-cream.
We are going through a stage of lack of communication right now and that is making it harder. Trying to focus on our relationship but also my own with myself is tiring. Especially when you add in school, work and a two year old. I would love for him to do this with me, as he really needs to get into shape too, but he seems reluctant for some reason. I'm really hoping that we will be able to have a productive conversation soon.
I just feel like I am at a dead end. I don't know which way to go. How to make this better. I'm terrified of failing again. And I do know that there are always going to be struggles and slip ups but how do I not let that get me back to where I am now? I want to get healthy. I want to get to a place where eating good, fresh foods is as natural as unwrapping a burger or candy bar- and as satisfying. How do I do that? Will I truly ever get there? Will I ever beat this? I want to, I want it more than just about anything right now...