its been a long time since ive blogged and unfortunately, its not been great.
its been busy... bird came down for a week and my sister and other nephew came down to pick him up.
went through a tornado warning--none touched down but a tree did fall on the fiance's truck. dont know how it didnt completely crash it but it didnt.
i said to bird--really? the weekend you come down, we get a tornado warning?
but, he had an exciting week--helped tackle bats in the attic, got a tick on him, saw a copperhead and a yet identified snake, saw some baby birds in the backyard, lived through a tornado warning and went to dc.

now, on to me.
i didnt track while he was here--didnt plan on it.
the eating, surprisingly, was fine. except for some nites with popcorn.
i weighed in today for the first time since he came and im up 4lbs.
however, that is with not tracking this week either... and the fiance and i went to dinner last nite cos we were in dc for the fireworks.

i am going through something. i dont know what it is but i am just constantly, constantly hungry.
and ive just been going with it.
there were some days when i probably had like 4000 calories this week. not kidding, either.
but, the beginning of this week i was at 186 so i guess sometimes listening to your body must work since im down in weight.

i have a plan which i dont want to discuss but i have it in my mind, so we will see what happens.
and yes, it is real, stomach growling, will faint if i dont eat hunger.

so thats where im at.
struggling still.
still working out though.
monday: 3 hours walking, hour biking, arm workout.
tues: 2 hours, 45 minutes walking.. 30 minutes biking.
wed: 30 minutes biking but also walked all around dc.

yesterday was the first time that the fiance has been here when ive thought, okay, got to workout.
so i went upstairs and did 30 minutes on the bike.
not great but its a start.

also looked into joining our town's recreation center.
its right down the street--couldnt be more perfect. gym, swimming pool, bball courts, tennis courts, trails.
except, the price is ridiculous!
i went in there and she's all like, oh its free!
perfect, sign us up!
well, there's a nominal fee for the gym. for the weight room. for the pool.

yeah. nominal my big fat rear end, lady.
50$ per person for 20 visits.
that is more than 50$ a month if you went every day--which i would.
and that doesnt cover the pool. the pool is 60$ for 20 visits.
screw that.
that would have been so perfect, though.........

today on the agenda, if i dont quit due to being physically tired and my superficial blood clot is really really hurting this morning..
3 hours walking, hour biking..
short arm workout--only ten reps per exercise but make them count.

ive already knocked out an hour and a half walking... i know i can do the rest.

its just...... ive got the exercise down.
ive got the water down.
ive got the tracking down.

but how, when food is the issue, do you make it?
i used to be able to fight it.
but i guess i just cant any more. i dont know. maybe i dont want to because if i did, i would be.

i get so confused and conflicted and one minute im all like, screw this. you want to jumpstart your weight loss, so go on a very strict diet.
and then the next minute im like, screw that! this ISNT a diet! you've lost 100 pounds by not being on a diet.

i dont know.
i hate food. and i hate the fact that even after all these years on spark, i have not found a way to live peacefully with food in my life.
i am still as food obsessed as when i first began.
and i hate it that every day i bemoan food when i know someone doesnt have enough.