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struggling mightily but still struggling. that means i havent given up.

Thursday, July 05, 2012

its been a long time since ive blogged and unfortunately, its not been great.
its been busy... bird came down for a week and my sister and other nephew came down to pick him up.
went through a tornado warning--none touched down but a tree did fall on the fiance's truck. dont know how it didnt completely crash it but it didnt.
i said to bird--really? the weekend you come down, we get a tornado warning?
but, he had an exciting week--helped tackle bats in the attic, got a tick on him, saw a copperhead and a yet identified snake, saw some baby birds in the backyard, lived through a tornado warning and went to dc.

now, on to me.
i didnt track while he was here--didnt plan on it.
the eating, surprisingly, was fine. except for some nites with popcorn.
i weighed in today for the first time since he came and im up 4lbs.
however, that is with not tracking this week either... and the fiance and i went to dinner last nite cos we were in dc for the fireworks.

i am going through something. i dont know what it is but i am just constantly, constantly hungry.
and ive just been going with it.
there were some days when i probably had like 4000 calories this week. not kidding, either.
but, the beginning of this week i was at 186 so i guess sometimes listening to your body must work since im down in weight.

i have a plan which i dont want to discuss but i have it in my mind, so we will see what happens.
and yes, it is real, stomach growling, will faint if i dont eat hunger.

so thats where im at.
struggling still.
still working out though.
monday: 3 hours walking, hour biking, arm workout.
tues: 2 hours, 45 minutes walking.. 30 minutes biking.
wed: 30 minutes biking but also walked all around dc.

yesterday was the first time that the fiance has been here when ive thought, okay, got to workout.
so i went upstairs and did 30 minutes on the bike.
not great but its a start.

also looked into joining our town's recreation center.
its right down the street--couldnt be more perfect. gym, swimming pool, bball courts, tennis courts, trails.
except, the price is ridiculous!
i went in there and she's all like, oh its free!
perfect, sign us up!
well, there's a nominal fee for the gym. for the weight room. for the pool.

yeah. nominal my big fat rear end, lady.
50$ per person for 20 visits.
that is more than 50$ a month if you went every day--which i would.
and that doesnt cover the pool. the pool is 60$ for 20 visits.
screw that.
that would have been so perfect, though.........

today on the agenda, if i dont quit due to being physically tired and my superficial blood clot is really really hurting this morning..
3 hours walking, hour biking..
short arm workout--only ten reps per exercise but make them count.

ive already knocked out an hour and a half walking... i know i can do the rest.

its just...... ive got the exercise down.
ive got the water down.
ive got the tracking down.

but how, when food is the issue, do you make it?
i used to be able to fight it.
but i guess i just cant any more. i dont know. maybe i dont want to because if i did, i would be.

i get so confused and conflicted and one minute im all like, screw this. you want to jumpstart your weight loss, so go on a very strict diet.
and then the next minute im like, screw that! this ISNT a diet! you've lost 100 pounds by not being on a diet.

i dont know.
i hate food. and i hate the fact that even after all these years on spark, i have not found a way to live peacefully with food in my life.
i am still as food obsessed as when i first began.
and i hate it that every day i bemoan food when i know someone doesnt have enough.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    On food addiction: It's no different than any other addiction, with the possible exception that we need food to live. Most other addictions to substances can be completely avoided, but obviously not food. Finding peace with how you eat is a part of the recovery process. I'm not saying I've found peace with my food plan either, it's a work in progress, and it's a daily task, just to make most of the choices something I can live with for the day.

    On struggling: Thank you for not giving up. Not to place any pressure on you, but it means a lot to me that you haven't tossed in the towel. *hugs*

    On rec center: And now you know why I won't join the city's rec center either. Same deal applies - gym is one fee, pool is another, and even to access the walking circuit has a fee. I'm wondering if you've set up your home-gym environment yet, and how much room you have to spread. And if that space is enticing enough to you to go to it daily. And if you can plaster motivational pictures on the walls.

    On food frenzy: I don't get it.... I've read at least 4 Sparkers' blogs in the last 2 days, looked at my last weekend's food debacle, and I'm wondering what's causing a bunch of us to be struggling so mightily this week. So here's a question for you: Food-wise, and only food-wise for the moment, how was your last 4th of July? I looked back on last year's Canada Day weekend, and I didn't track food those 3 days either. My theory: long weekend that really jump-started the summer season is sometimes more than we can handle well.

    On the New Plan: Ok, I'll wait till you spill the plan. I won't ask, in case you're concerned telling someone will jinx it somehow. The only thing I hope is that it's a safe plan. You don't need to take shortcuts, you & I are proof that they don't work for very long.

    2081 days ago
    You've had a lot going on since your last blog. Maybe on some days u burn way more calories that you consumed.That may have led to the extreme hungar.
    Exercise wise you seem to be doing a great job.Working hard even with all that you have going on.Bummer about the Recreation center. But it has not stopped you from working out.You may need more protein,it could be a number of things in reguards of your hungar. Hopefully your new plan with be beneficial to you.
    I love the way the dog in the picture is looking at the sandwich. emoticon
    2081 days ago
    Food is going to be a life-long struggle with me too. I don't like it, but I have to accept it. I'm so glad you're still plugging along here with me! Oh, and I love the way your dog's eyeing that sandwich. :)
    2081 days ago
    I still haven't found peace with food either, and I've been struggling too. Lots of 3000 calorie days. We'll get through this. Just hang in there and remember that no one is perfect. It sounds like you're doing great with exercise, and that's something to be proud of. I hope your plan works and you feel back on track soon.
    2081 days ago
  • -KIMMI-
    Aw Ms.Dee, I'm sorry to hear you struggling so much. The rec center sounded ideal until you had to drop a wad of cash! That is totally ridiculous an for them not to include the pool is even more so. We have all that stuff in our neighborhood (we do pay HOA fees though) and as long as you behave yourself there is no limit on how much you go. Lame sauce!! I think you will figure things out and I think you are still successful even though you are struggling. Keep up the work Ms.Dee, it's worth it!!!! emoticon
    2082 days ago
    you'll find a way to come to terms with this. That doesn't mean giving means living peacefully together.

    My sister was packing to come visit us during that storm!!! She lost power and didn't get it back until 4am Monday! It was just dumb luck that she was spending the weekend with us!
    2082 days ago
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