Wednesday, July 04, 2012
I wasn't going to post anything today. I figured that this isn't THAT big of a deal.
But I decided that it is a set of baggage I've been carrying that I need to let go.
So here it is:
This week we moved offices. It involved lots of carrying, lifting, climbing, and walking. I knew I needed to wear pants instead of my staple skirt. Trouble was all my pants are too big. So I hiked them up, tied a belt around my waist and hoped for the best.
I wasn't hoping that my pants would stay up though. I was hoping no one would notice my shrinking body.
But they noticed. And they asked me my secret.
What I should have said (aka the Truth) : I eat well, I keep active, I make good choices. I eat clean and minimize my high GI carbohydrates. I eat zero processed foods, no chemicals or frankenfoods. I am also on medication to regulate my blood sugar. This has helped me lose 30 pounds.
What I actually said: Oh really? No I haven't. Oh, you insist? Well, I found out earlier in the year I was putting on weight because I am sick, and now I am on medication to make me feel better. Maybe that is why I seem thinner? But I think I've lost much weight. Maybe a little, but not much.
What is wrong with me? People can see that I am fat. They can see that I have lost a substantial amount of weight. I know I have lost weight, and I know that I have lost weight healthily. Yes, glucophage has regulated my PCOS symptoms, but I am losing because I am making good choices. If I took glucophage, but ate like crap, I would not be losing.
I'm further upset by my lie, because:
1. I am an honest person and don't make a habit of fibbing.
2. because it feels like I said, " I know I'm fat. I'm acknowledging that I am huge, and gross and not worthy of dieting and losing weight. After all we all know I can't actually lose weight by making good choices. Can I have your muffin? And a bar of chocolate? And that bag of chips you stashed in your desk"
I am terrified of my coworkers finding out I am on a "diet". First, because I am not on a diet. I have eaten well since August 2011, when I learned of my gigantic risk of Ovarian cancer. I changed my lifestyle before I lost weight. I only started losing pounds when I was diagnosed with PCOS and started Glucophage. Of course, I reduced my carbs since starting the medication, because when I eat too many high GI carbs I get crazy belly ache and throw up like I'm poisoned, but other than that I have maintained healthful mindful eating standards for almost a year.
Secondly, and most importantly, because I don't want to recognise that I am doing something about my size to the public. Strange, yes. But I would rather let them think I am perfectly confident as a large woman- which I am- rather than reveal a chink in my armour. Both are true, but I'd prefer to keep one a secret.
I am afraid to let them know that I know that I am fat.
In our new offices our eating area is communal. Before, I could sneak my snacks (shh! celery and carrots! Oranges! Cucumbers! Munch munch) but now it's all there out in the open for everyone to see, to mock, to inquire about.
It strikes a lady I work with odd that I love fruit and veggies. As if, by my very appearance, I should be force feeding myself cakes and ice cream and doughnuts. She didn't say anything about my size, just that she wouldn't have expected me to eat what I ate. I'm being sensitive, sure, but my feelings ached anyway.
I have a definite problem with eating in secret. Even healthy food. I hate eating in front of others. I know it's not healthy behaviour, but it's a habit I've carried since as long as I can remember.
And I don't know what to do with it. It's like today opened up a suitcase filled with memories and things, both good and bad, and now I've got to sit and sort through it. I've got to look at each one, acknowledging it for what it was, and deciding what to do with it.
So here I sit, under my blanket, my puppy at my side asking, "Do I keep this one? Will it help me reach my goals? Does this make up who I am? Can I throw this away?" And shucks, it's hard to toss away these things I've been carrying for much too long.