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Inner changes

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

So this week has been interesting. Last weekend I visited my parents house. It was the first time in months that I went there without my boyfriend and I knew it would be very exhausting for me without him.
So I stayed at my parents house for a two days. I usually know that I tend to overeat at my parents house. Not because they are such great cooks or anything, but because I feel such a pressure when I am there, that I don´t know any other help than stuff myself. It was the first time in months that I wanted to stuff myself with noodles. I am not talking about just eating noodles, no, I mean eating so many noodles until your stomach hurts. However hehe, instead of giving in that craving, I just decided to eat something small and spicy. It was weird and a bit sad to notice that the Harisa sauce satisfied my wish for noodles. It is sad, that I have the inner tendency to hurt myself when I am at my parents house. I think the burn of the spicy sauce satisfied that need for pain. I am however very proud to solve the symptom by eating the spice. That will be my strategy until I really find out, why i want to hurt myself when I am at my parents house...
Another thing happened yesterday. I had a huge problem at the university that really threatened my future career. I was very upset. However instead of stuffing myself with food to feel better (not to hurt that time), I lay down in bed, watched a bit crappy TV and then got up again and started to think about how to solve my problem. My boyfriend even suggested that I should buy some alcohol to get over that very difficult afternoon. But I decided that I had done so many bad things to my health simply by being overweight, that alcohol or any other drug, should not be the next best solution in a crisis. Watching TV helped me to collect myself, than I went to a party ( ok there I drank alcohol) and today I went shopping and bought my first shorts in years. I am so so glad, that my coping mechanism get better and better. Instead of being angry at myself and eating (and than feel even worse), I accepted my mistake, was sad for a bit and than decided to accept the challenge that is facing me right now. I remembered how I trained for a 5 k and how amazed I still am that I can run it. I didn´t get there by sitting at home and wishing, but also not by destroying myself, but by constant slow and patient effort.
I watched The Biggest Loser last year and I always wondered why those people say that they especially changed in the inside (it is reality TV, so I still don´t believe them). But in my case, since I took my time, it really happened. I am amazed and I hope that I can keep up this thinking.
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