Wednesday, July 04, 2012
I've been in my bed crying for the past two hours. I'm just coming to the end of my rope. So many things just on my mind. Between my weight, my friendships, my time, my health. This will probably end up being a needy post but right now i feel really needy. My happy face has dropped and all my worries, thoughts and whatever have come to the surface that i can't surpress anymore. I've been losing to many nights of sleep over my feelings. Waking panicing, waking up crying (like tonight) or just not sleeping.
I'm typically a very happy, go lucky person. But over the past year i've been facing different things in my life. One that i'm gaining no matter what i do. I starve i gain, i eat i gain, i exercise i gain. God only knows what's wrong with me. But this is really eating at me. I just don't know where to turn to next in regards to my health. My body always hurts, my back spasms. I can't keep up with my friends, everyone has advice and I just don't even know what to listen to anymore.
We homeschool and my kids like to be active in classes, activities, etc. Because of how i feel all the tiime i can only schedule a few things each day. I feel my kids are suffering, because they hardly see their friends. My friends never call to check on me or see if i want to be included in things. I'm just feeling like me and my girls are every one's after thoughts or no thoughts. (told ya needy) but this is how i feel and i need to address these feelings. They are real. Being an intuitive i don't want to believe the feelings i get are true, i ignore them. i so hope they aren't true. But my girls miss their friends all their friends they have met. And they have to pay at my health's expense. We love homeschooling, we love what it gives. But they need their friends. Their friends to call each other, email, skype etc. excepcially when mom isn't feeling her best.
I ALWAYS have to put up a front that i'm feeling good even when i'm not. I don't want to burden anyone either. Probably why i'm feeling the feelings i do. God forbidden teh happy go lucky micki, not be happy.
Some if not all of these feelings are probably holding me back from releasing the weight. just keeping so much inside, because ya know we are always told it's in our head. our feelings are meaningless, or we are making to much out of a situation. Whether any of that is true or not. These feelings are real, the tears are real, the restless nights are real. And i want that all to change.
how can that change. I've expressed a few times that i would rather be someone's forthought then after thought. But the feelings still remain that i'm the after thought.
What my friends mean to me. EVERYTHING! friendship means the world to me and if you are someone i call friend that is very sacred to me. I would do just about anything for you (legally speaking). you just have to ask. I hate being the whiney/crying one. I would rather be that happy micki i once was when i didn't always have these feelings. i know not everyone is going to like me or my family. That is fine. but those who say the love me, love my family, want to be with me. I need you to help me out. I need you to just call, just email. just say hi. let's just shoot the bull and when i email or call please return my effort. Because this girl only has so much energy and friendship really means a lot to me.
My family means a lot to me and getting healthy so i can keep up with my family means a lot to me. But something's got to give.
I really hope i didn't sound to needy, but i needed to get these feelings off my chest.
i'm only going to see doctors when i need to, i just can't keep having 2-3 appts a week. this is killing me. I'm still up in the air about the therapist. I think my naturopath doing energy work did more to help me start to release these emotions then the therapist has in the several month's i've seen her.
my naturopath did say that my heart chakra was the next to be released. hopefully this is helping with the release and with that hopefully the weight will start releasing so i can have more energy to do all i would like to do without always hurting or being tired.
well i feel as if i got everything off my chest, time to try to get some sleep again.