Tuesday, July 03, 2012
I know I already blogged once today, but I just want to try getting this out of my head. I'm tired of it circulating around in there.
Way back when, when I was thin, I was never at a loss for confidence and self-esteem. Then, even after I put on weight, I had other things that offset my body image... success in college and my career, that helped keep my self-esteem up.
Now, I have lost 112 pounds, all without drugs or surgery, which is a phenomenal accomplishment that I should be tremendously proud of, and all I can focus on is my saggy baggy elephant skin. I want to date, have a boyfriend, have intimate relations, but I tell ya, I cannot even imagine being naked in front of a man.
I work on this stuff with my counselor, and she has a lot of great recommendations, which don't seem to be helping yet.
The reason this is all coming to a head is that there is a man in the mountain biking community here whom I have become very attracted to. He is VERY in shape, he has been biking for 15 years, plus he goes to the gym. He's tight and toned everywhere. Add to that, the fact that most of the women in the mountain biking community are much smaller than I am (even though I am much smaller than I was). And I just feel like I have no chance in hell of ever catching his attention. And if I don't feel that confidence, then pretty much guaranteed he won't want to be with me.
I just can't fake it, yanno? It makes me so sad to think I might miss an opportunity to be with what seems to be a great guy, because I can't get over myself.
p.s. let me clarify I was first attracted to his personality via his board posts and the pictures he has taken, before I ever saw a picture of him/met him. But now that I have seen him... I'm terrified.