Sunday, July 01, 2012
Alrighty, well I've managed to use every excuse in the book the last few weeks and even a few I've never used before. Though through this difficult time I've done some soul searching and learned a few things about myself.
Not having children anymore has really taken it's toll.
As soon as my last son graduated, I was ready to adopt. No, really, I'm not kidding. My husband and I had always talked about it so when he said he "wasn't there anymore" I was devastated. I felt betrayed.
Honestly, this is still something I'm pretty hurt about and it will take more time to heal, but at least I'm admitting it.
Why do I want to have another child?
Many reasons, but over the last week I've really evaluated that. Not only do I still have a lot of love to give as a mom, but children ground me. I'm the type of person who goes and goes and goes and goes. I don't slow down for much and when I do slow down I just drop and get depressed. Now, I've transferred work for school and immersed myself in it. So much so that I've lost who I am even in that. Whenever I had children, they helped to pull me out of this mentality. I worked hard to do things with them every day. I may have missed a day here or there, but I did my best to slow down and enjoy the moment with them. I can't begin to tell you the joy that brought to my heart. Needless to say, I'm not doing that now and when I do slow down and "drop" I get depressed. I don't know what to do with myself. Part of that is depression, but even in that when I had kids I would force myself to do something with them and before long I was out of my funk.
Do I still have kids now at home?
Yes, but they are all grown - 24, 23, and 20. A little old to be home? Maybe. They are either working or in college or both. My oldest has developmental disabilities so he will probably be with us the longest. I enjoy having them near. I know my time with them grows shorter every day.
What's the most difficult part for me?
I have mulled this over more times than you can imagine. Here's what I've come up with:
I have a very strong sense of family. My husband and I grew up in abusive homes filled with addictions and we wanted none of that for our own family. We've worked so hard to do the best we can (without any training or parental role models) to build a home full of love and memories. Yes, we have our issues just like every family, but for the most part, we've done that. Though I must admit, we could not have done that without God's help.
Yesterday I realized that my life isn't over. I still have kids, grown or not, they are still my kids. What I am looking for is some order to the chaos I'm feeling. Everyone is always running. Because of busy schedules, rarely is anyone here at the same time. We (myself included) are only here long enough to make a mess and take off. There is no opportunity to really have time together, let alone create any lasting memories.
So now what?
First the chaos needs to turn into controlled chaos. Yes, we have things to do, but we can at least clean up after ourselves. You have to understand I've never, in anyway shape or form, been a neat freak, but the chaos adds to the depression.
Everyday we all will have some chores to do. I used to try to lighten it for those working heavy schedules, but now we all have busy schedules so nothing gets done and this just adds to the disorder.
Second, we need to have a day (every now and then) that the computers, games, etc. are turned off and just have a family cook out or something - anything! It doesn't even have to be weekly, but something. The way we've been living can't really be classified as living, it's been existing. I don't just want to exist. I want to live this life and create lasting memories that will carry us through. I don't want to look back in ten years and see how much time I've lost. I want it to count.
It feels better to get this off my chest whether anyone reads it or not. It helps me to put my thoughts in order. If you are the praying kind, I would love your prayers. My biggest concern is that we begin to live as a family again. Even families who live far apart learn was to stay close. That is my prayer in all of this.