Sunday, July 01, 2012
"When parking on the north side of the church, please remember to park on an angel."
"The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility."
" For those who have children and don't know it, there is a nursery downstairs."
"The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
"The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession."
"The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment."
"Men's Prayer Breakfast. No charge, but your damnation will be gratefully accepted."
"Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers."
"The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her."
"Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people."
"Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan who are preparing for the girth of their first child."
"Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir."
"Ushers will eat latecomers."
"Next Sunday is the family hayride and bonfire at the Fowlers. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time."
"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Jones to come forward and lay an egg on the altar."