I have had soooo much "noise"
going through my head the past week or so. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I haven't been able to exercise
for the past three weeks (a great stress and anxiety buster for me) along with a combination of other factors.
The reason why I have not been able to exercise is that I had a melanoma scare
. About six weeks or so ago I had my annual full body skin exam by my dermatologist. I had a few moles removed and biopsied. A couple of weeks after, I received a call from his office that one of them came back so atypical to the point where they couldn't rule out melanoma and the rest of the lesion needed to be excised as soon as possible to eliminate the risk of having any remaining atypical cells that would spread
. I went to a surgeon to have the remaining lesion removed and stitched closed. The mole was on the bottom edge of my foot. I had stitches on the bottom of my foot for two weeks. The stitches have now been removed but I still can't flatten my foot when I walk as the area is still healing and it is painful to do so. The surgeon also ordered me to not exercise for at least two weeks post-stitches to avoid aggravating the wound.
I have been so frustrated
not being able to exercise. I miss the endorphine release. I miss seeing my boot camp friends. I miss having an outlet to burn off anxiety that bubbles up. Exercise doesn't eliminate every stressful and anxious thought that crosses my mind, but it does help minimize it. This is why I think I have had so much noise swirling around in my head lately. It is all building up.
Another reason why I think that I have had so much noise lately is that I am very close to my goal weight; I am four pounds away
. I have that fear that I won't be able to maintain it and I'll constantly be living my life in a yo-yo. I hate the yo-yo. I really do. I really want my weight loss to stick this time. I hate the feelings I have when I'm at my heaviest
. I have been wondering a lot lately though if I'll ever be able to indulge without the guilt
. For instance, today I went out to lunch
and one of the desserts on the menu was a chocolate chip cookie sundae
. That is one of my ultimate favorites. Such a basic dessert but just so comforting. I stuck with my healthy lunch though and didn't get dessert as I really want to reach my goal weight. But I still could not stop thinking about that one particular dessert. Even for hours after I was still thinking about it. Am I ever going to get to the point in life where I can have those things and still be able to maintain my weight? Or am I going to allow myself the indulgence and fall into another binge and yo-yo struggle? Is this food noise ever going to go away?
Those are the two main reasons why I have had all this noise lately. The others I will write about later. Can only process so much at a time.