Saturday, June 30, 2012
Ok, so my sparkversary in May did NOT go quite as planned. Imagine that. I was hoping that by my 1 year, I would hit 100 pounds off. It didn't happen. I cried, ate ice cream, ranted and raved at everyone, binged on fried food, and completely stopped exercising.
Actually, I didn't. BUT I REALLY WANTED TOO!!! It's been a really difficult road since my sister passed away in January. Family members pulled some shenanigan's that have split my family and then my husband lost his job. By now, the old me would have gained back half the weight I'd lost (if not all of it).
Not the new me.
I keep fighting.
No I haven't technically lost any weight for a month and a half (really I've been losing and gaining the same 3 pounds), but I've kept off what I did lose AND I've been hitting the gym more. I see more tone and I feel better. Eventually I will get back to eating 1500 calories and begin losing weight again, but right now eating a little more along with exercising and its helping me cope in a healthy way.
I WILL NOT beat myself up. It's so easy to fall into the same old flippin' traps of, well I haven't lost anything, so I might as well eat what I want. WRONG!
I went to the waterpark nearby this past Wednesday. I ran up the stairs umpteen amounts of time, went down ALL of the slides (even the scary straight down ones that give major wedgies), laughed it up with my friends and kids and didn't give a rats booty that I still have jiggle in my arms and legs. I literally ran around that park like a teenager. IT FELT SO GREAT. I could not have done that a year ago.
Will I ever hit that 100 pound mark that meant so much to me last month?
Will I let my circumstances overshadow the joys in my life?
I am hurting and grieving still. There are days I can't believe I will never see my sister again and all I can do is cry. But, I don't go to the frig, I don't drive through for fast food and I will not go back to where I was. I will FEEL my feelings and not eat them. I still enjoy food, I always will, but I'm learning my limits and what I can and can't eat. It's been a great time for learning.
Some day the weight will start coming off again. But for today, it is OKAY that it's not.