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    FIERCE_FABULOUS   17,936
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little miss perfect? not really...

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Negative self-talk has affected me greatly. So much that I suffer from depression because of it. I get down on myself about everything. How I haven't finished college yet, how the hell I let myself go so badly, how unhappy I am with my everyday life, the list goes on.

If I didn't use negative self-talk I probably wouldn't be stuck in this damn fat suit, I probably would have finished college a long time ago, I wouldn't be on a gazzillion medications for depression and other crap I have to deal with everyday. If I didn't participate in such negativity, I wouldn't let myself become so bitter and hateful towards certain people, but still show a smile on my face when I greet them because I must. I would be a more devout Catholic, and wouldn't be so irresponsible when it comes to my faith and love in God. Life would be so different if I just eliminated that voice in my head that tells me that my life sucks. That my days are pointless. That I have no one to rely on for support. I always say, with a positive attitude, only positive can result. Take your own damn advice Hana! My gah! o_O

As far as how often I would overeat or binge every time I felt like a failure, those things would be near non-existent if I just started loving myself a little more. I have found that the days that I am most upbeat, most confident, feeling great about my choices, feeling amazing after a workout, are the days where there was no negativity in my day. Where everything went as planned. Those days are the best. I had one of those days this past week. I LOVE those kind of days. I just need to work on having those type of days EVERY day, and learning that if things don't go as I would like them to, that it is OKAY and that I need to accept it. I become so obsessed over wanting things turning out perfect that when my plans fail, I become angry, frustrated, nervous and depressed.

*SIGH* Here's the icing on the cake... So, I noticed yesterday that I caught myself putting me down... about my appearance, how I looked like total sh!t fat whale disgusted with myself. Today, I don't know why I did, but I weighed myself 3 days early, and GAINED a lb since Monday. Then came more negative thoughts. Then came sadness. Then came anger and frustration. It was a domino effect. Happens every time. Then I get to thinking about everything else. (see first paragragh ^) I KNOW I would never say such things to a stranger, let alone a best friend. Why I choose to torture myself with such hurtful words is beyond me. It is stuck in my subconscious and I am trying to rewire myself to get that crap out of my head.

The next time I catch myself making negative comments about me, well, I am going to add 30 seconds to the elliptical time when I work out. I need to remind myself to stop. It's like teaching a baby to walk. You help them, hold their hands, walk them around the living room. Eventually they are able to stand on their own, but can't walk around just yet without getting a little wobbly. Even when you do let go of their hands, they manage to get in 4 to 5 steps and fall to the floor. Eventually they can keep their balance quite well and short there after are running around the house. Little by little, with some determination, a little elbow grease, and a slap here n there, the negative self-talk will no longer exist in Hana's world. I'll be on the road to weight maintenance, and live the rest of my days happy and healthy.

I'm not little miss perfect. FAR FAR from it. Probably will never get there. But I can work on it. I can change my life by just learning to love my self for who and what I am. Losing the weight is just a perk.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIRSTIE31 7/12/2012 9:16AM

    Oh Hana, I feel for you. I used to be pretty hard on myself too. Not sure if it will help you, but for me..I pray every day for God to guide me in a positive direction. To let people see Him thru me. You have 3 beautiful children...dont be so hard on their mother! You are a great mom, right? They deserve the best you, you can give them and SO DO YOU. Every day is not going to be perfect. Remind yourself every evening what you did good that day. If it helps write it down. Nothing negative. Just write at least one thing every night you did well. It sure helped me.
Remember you do have support...all your Spark Friends Ms. Fierce_Fabulous!
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02SERENE 7/3/2012 12:50AM

    You yourself have summed up what you want to do to counteract the negative self talk. I want to emphasize Positive Self Talk every little step of the Way! That counters the perfectionism. (which leads to self doubt etc.)

You are creating positive healthy grooves in your brain. You can do it! And are worth it!l And Deserve it too! Give yourself a big Woo Hoo for writing your blog. Self Awareness is
99 % and then its only 1 % of real positive self talk. I mean to say the recognition is the hardest and biggest part and then to make a few little adjustments every day is easy compared to when you get hit with the awareness. emoticon

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CLHENDY1 7/2/2012 2:23PM

    I related to this blog a great deal because I am by far, without a doubt my harshest critic. I constantly cut myself down and I focus on everything being negative rather then positive.

I watch this silly show called Girls and the main character said this in one of the episodes. "No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself, okay? So any mean thing someone is going to think of to say about me, I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half hour".


Keep your head up and know you aren't alone. You can over come your negativity.

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CANNIE50 7/2/2012 12:53PM

    oh, honey - I can relate to much of what you wrote. I am a lapsed Catholic (a whole different discussion but I just wanted to remind you, there are many of us) but a woman with a deep faith. I have struggled with depression since I was 11 years old, and with binge eating for decades. I deeply regret not going to college but that would have been tricky since I did not graduate from high school! I am turning 53 years old tomorrow. I am not thin, but I am strong. I am not devout, but I am faithful. I am not formally educated, but I have knowledge. I don't reside anywhere near perfection but that makes me more approachable and relatable and gives me regular doses of humility and empathy. I counter my depression with exercise because sweat has proven more effective for me than any dose of prescription anti-depressants (though never go off those without a doctor's care - it is not easy). I just want to leave you with this thought: DEPRESSION IS A HUGE LIAR. It will tell you all those nasty lies about yourself to keep you in its grip. Treat it as you would any liar - challenge it, counter with the truth, tell it to shut up, but DON'T BELIEVE IT. Bless you. I pray you find peace of mind and strength to move up and out of this place - I know you will.

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RYDERB 7/2/2012 12:28PM

    On one of the weight loss shows on TV they gave each person a picture of themself as a child. And told them any time they wanted to say something negative the had to look at the picture first and imagine saying it to a helpless child. Yikes!! No way. You are such a great mom that maybe you need to mother yourself. I bet it helps. emoticon

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PINKYGALMISH 7/1/2012 3:48PM

    I love Kalantha's suggestions!!!

It says right on your SparkPage "You are so much stronger than you think" - and it's true. Take control Hana, counteract those negative thoughts. Make it a point to say (even if its only to yourself) positive things about you, your body, or your weight loss journey every single day. Write it down in a journal, or on a piece of paper. Retrain your thinking! Set an alarm for yourself if you have trouble remembering. You've got to love yourself and treat yourself well, and amazing things will happen. YOU CAN DO IT! And when you feel like you're struggling, we're here to help.


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AAIEE1985 7/1/2012 1:05AM

    Hana you are such a beautiful person inside and out! I could be having the worse day and come to spark class and there you are, and you cheer me up. i am sure this is the same for many other people we all love you and spark class isnt the same without you there.

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MELAMA210 6/30/2012 3:07PM

    Im sorry that you suffer from such bad depression. Maybe when you find yourself doing the negative self talk, think about the things that you have done with your life and the things that are positive in your life. You have beautiful children and you are a wonderful mother, you are a good friend to everyone around you, and always has something good to say when somone is having a bad day or they got off track with their healthy lifestyle.

Work on one goal at a time that you want to accomplish, right now you are making healthy choices and making you and your kids healthier every day by what you eat and feed them. You are becoming more active with your children. While you are losing weight, you are going to feel better about yourself and eventually, hopefully, the negative self talk will go away. We all have bad days where we get down on your selves, but you need to make a goal where if you go so many days without the negative self talk, you reward yourself somehow, even if its just small, you will feel like you accomplished something great.

If you are unhappy with your everday life, try making a list of what you can do to make it better, one step at a time. Reach out to those around you for help when you are feeling overwelmed. If you dont have many people you can reach out that live around you, reach out to all of us on sparkpeople. We may not be able to physically help you, but we can be here for you to talk to and to listen to you.

I always used to get really down on myself and hated myself, now that Im losing weight, I feel better about myself. My anxiety isnt as bad, and im a more self confident person. I never wanted to leave the house because i was so so conscious about the way i looked and what other people thought about me. Now that ive lost weight, i started going to church, im part of the drama team for church, and i joined a gym. A year ago, i would never be able to do any of this. And I want to do more, i want to enjoy life instead of sitting here being miserable. I still have bad days, and I probably always will, but Im becoming a better person because Im losing weight and accomplishing goals.

Hopefully as you lose more weight and become happier with yourself, the self negative talk will stop, and you will overall feel better about yourself. I know you've had a few bad days as far as it goes with eating healthy, but put those behind you, and start now with getting totally back on track. Take baby steps to overcome everything.

Good for you for wanting to stop the self negative talk. I hope that it gets better in time, and it will. And just always remember, nobodys perfect and nobody ever will be perfect. My pastor is our church says there is no perfect person and hes absoletly right.

I hope things get better for you, and that you can overcome all this very soon. When you are feeling down on yourself, do what you told me "take a deep breathe and relax" I know its easier said than done, but you can do it!



Comment edited on: 6/30/2012 3:08:40 PM

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KALANTHA 6/30/2012 2:54PM

    Ever thought about counter acting those negative thoughts with something positive? For example, when you get down on yourself for being too heavy turn it into, "I used to be fat, but NOW I take care of myself and turning into the thin person I deserve to be."

You could also try making a list of all your positive qualities (starting with your willingness to see yourself honestly). If you have trouble, ask your friends to make a list and see all the things they come up with. I bet you'll be surprised.

Taking care of yourself. You ARE important!

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