Saturday, June 30, 2012
Negative self-talk has affected me greatly. So much that I suffer from depression because of it. I get down on myself about everything. How I haven't finished college yet, how the hell I let myself go so badly, how unhappy I am with my everyday life, the list goes on.
If I didn't use negative self-talk I probably wouldn't be stuck in this damn fat suit, I probably would have finished college a long time ago, I wouldn't be on a gazzillion medications for depression and other crap I have to deal with everyday. If I didn't participate in such negativity, I wouldn't let myself become so bitter and hateful towards certain people, but still show a smile on my face when I greet them because I must. I would be a more devout Catholic, and wouldn't be so irresponsible when it comes to my faith and love in God. Life would be so different if I just eliminated that voice in my head that tells me that my life sucks. That my days are pointless. That I have no one to rely on for support. I always say, with a positive attitude, only positive can result. Take your own damn advice Hana! My gah! o_O
As far as how often I would overeat or binge every time I felt like a failure, those things would be near non-existent if I just started loving myself a little more. I have found that the days that I am most upbeat, most confident, feeling great about my choices, feeling amazing after a workout, are the days where there was no negativity in my day. Where everything went as planned. Those days are the best. I had one of those days this past week. I LOVE those kind of days. I just need to work on having those type of days EVERY day, and learning that if things don't go as I would like them to, that it is OKAY and that I need to accept it. I become so obsessed over wanting things turning out perfect that when my plans fail, I become angry, frustrated, nervous and depressed.
*SIGH* Here's the icing on the cake... So, I noticed yesterday that I caught myself putting me down... about my appearance, how I looked like total sh!t fat whale disgusted with myself. Today, I don't know why I did, but I weighed myself 3 days early, and GAINED a lb since Monday. Then came more negative thoughts. Then came sadness. Then came anger and frustration. It was a domino effect. Happens every time. Then I get to thinking about everything else. (see first paragragh ^) I KNOW I would never say such things to a stranger, let alone a best friend. Why I choose to torture myself with such hurtful words is beyond me. It is stuck in my subconscious and I am trying to rewire myself to get that crap out of my head.
The next time I catch myself making negative comments about me, well, I am going to add 30 seconds to the elliptical time when I work out. I need to remind myself to stop. It's like teaching a baby to walk. You help them, hold their hands, walk them around the living room. Eventually they are able to stand on their own, but can't walk around just yet without getting a little wobbly. Even when you do let go of their hands, they manage to get in 4 to 5 steps and fall to the floor. Eventually they can keep their balance quite well and short there after are running around the house. Little by little, with some determination, a little elbow grease, and a slap here n there, the negative self-talk will no longer exist in Hana's world. I'll be on the road to weight maintenance, and live the rest of my days happy and healthy.
I'm not little miss perfect. FAR FAR from it. Probably will never get there. But I can work on it. I can change my life by just learning to love my self for who and what I am. Losing the weight is just a perk.