223 this morning. 223! It's like a symphony. I want to print out a banner, and hang it outside.
"Umm.. what's 223?" askes random passerby
"It's my weight," I'd respond proudly, looking at the number with admiration. It sounds silly, and I know it's not 120, or even 160, but let me tell you, today I could've screamed it from my roof top without any regrets. Without the embarassment, why? Because I am getting better. It's getting better. My hard work is paying off. Little by little, like I'm sculpting a new Shay out of marble and I have these moments of clarity where the new Shay peaks out. And I have to catch my breath. Is that really me? Did I really say that? Does this REALLY fit me?!
" I want to do this 5k!" "I love that feeling when I'm running" "Do you want to work out together sometime?" "Let's go for a hike!"
WHO IS THIS PERSON, AND HOW ARE THESE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY MOUTH?!? It's surprising, like the lady I've been with for 21 years has 360'd. No longer do I hear " And can I have ranch on the side?" "Make that a Large!" "Can I have extra fries?" There's still some not-so good food here and there, but I think I've finally figured out what the skinny people have been with holding: PORTIONS! I know, it sounds crazy, maybe what we need is alittle crazy though. (LOL okay I know horrible joke but, you know what I mean.)
But my biggest thing is that, I am 10 lbs officially lighter. My first 10 lbs. Only 5 more 10 lbs to go. That's right only 50 more lbs. Why does that sound so much more do-able now??? Either way, I feel grateful, and dare I say?
I dare, I feel EXCITED for who I am finally becoming!
I did it today. I did my entire 1.94 mile jogging. And myself doubt was there the whoooole time.
"You can't SERIOUSLY think you can keep going?!"
"I'm going to DIE from this! That's how I die, jogging."
"Let's just walk from here, no one will know any better."
"We ALWAYS walk this slope, you CAN'T jog up it."
"We'll just take a break at that light post."
"My hip huuuuurts!"
"Hey! We past 300 calories! Time to stop!"
Each excuse came up and came up frequently, every doubt surfaced and lingered. But I just jogged on. I jogged, I ran, I granny shuffled like no other today. My slow pace could of been seen as crawling, my fast pace could be seen as a light jog. But then for a moment, I knew, I knew this is something I loved. I love the breathless feel. I love the music, pushing me further. I love the sound of my foot finding the pavement, I love the sun shining in my face as I jogged. I loved the silent freedom of my movement. I love how beautiful I felt with sweat pouring down my face, And when I say pouring, I mean POURING!
It was liberating to find out that I actually DO like jogging, and will be building up to 5k distance. It was just so strange, I had been dreading this since yesterday, scared to even try to jog a whole 2 miles (.06 off
) But before I knew it, I was in the home stretch. Before I knew it, my goal was right there infront of me, and when I stopped, I could actually feel disappointment and a little voice in my head saying "I coulda kept going."
"I coulda kept going." And that's probably the best feeling I've had in a while, my most proudest moment in this entire blog. That quiet voice, that wasn't doubtful, was negative, it was honest. Either way, I will keep going. Some day, I will run 5k. I will run gracefully, and I will know that secret freedom that all runners know.