Self Destruct Button - I can't stop hitting it!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
So sad to be writing this type of blog, but partly doing it as a confession. It is strange in life when one part of your life improves, i.e. my work the other side i.e. goes down. Lately I have been working in the speciality that I want as my full time career and loving it lots of theatre time. Apart from one female consultant I am the only woman usually there, feel I have a lot to prove and want to impress. I am working long hours, but i have bad habit of when i do that i shut me down.
my eating has become out of control again and last night hit a major low, i had a massive binge and even drank a whole bottle of wine to myself - i have never done that before in my life! i know there is a root cause to these events for people but mine i can't put my finger on things. i am doing things i haven't done in years, buying sweets and crisps chocolate, basically rubbish! and worse thing is my partner is being a good and trying to make me healthy food and meals when i get in but i am buying things in secret :-( life is getting out of control.
I am worried that the reason i am doing it is I have had some inappropriate comments and innuendos at work, and perhaps i am trying to overeat ,put weight on to be invisible again. Also I was meant to be enjoying london, but the placement fell through although got given an extension at the one i was doing. i thought i would be enjoying things in london and had a nice budget which now i am spending on anything and everything to perhaps try and compensate - pathetic huh? worried that i have been at the place so long now i am just in the way - people get sick of me. never mind will leave my thoughts at that.