Friday, June 29, 2012
I know this blog is a bit off-topic, but it's been on my mind for some time, and I feel this is as good of a place to unload it as any other. And it does tie in with weight loss, sort of. Anyway...
I've struggled most of my life with feeling inadequate.
And I think I'm finally beginning to see why- I let others dictate how I should think/act/work. And by "others" I'm referring to friends, family, strangers, and the commonly accepted ways of appropriate behavior and thinking that this country seems to have adopted (such as finding "the one thing" I'm "meant" to do, etc etc)
I've always felt that I have zero drive to get what I want. Lazy, procrastination, lack of desire - always seem to get in my way when I've set my mind on something.
As a child, I decided I wanted to be rich - as if "Rich" were a job in itself and not something that happens when you land a great job.
In third grade, I decided I wanted to be a writer. I've yet to write a book.
In 11th grade, I decided I wanted to be an EMT. I haven't worked as an EMT a single day. - though I did graduate with a 4.0.
The three years I spent getting my AA, were spent in confusion. I JUST DIDNT KNOW what I wanted to be "when I grew up". This led me to getting a general AA degree, which, if you're not transferring to a university, is useless in the job world.
All of this is because I allowed "common thinking" to tell me that I had to pick JUST ONE thing and do it for the Rest. Of. My. Life. And that this thing, and how aggressively I pursue it, will define me to the rest of the world. Hence the feelings of inadequacy previously mentioned.
I graduated in 2005 with that AA and haven't gone back to school. It's an interest of mine, as I love learning, but certainly not a priority.
ARE YOU CRAZY?! You must be saying to yourself, right now. Well, maybe I am, but not as crazy as you might think.
I decided years ago, though maybe not consciously, that I don't want to have a "job" in the traditional sense. I read recently that work should be something you do, not a place you go. How many times have you said "I have to go to work." or " so & so is at work" as if it's a specific realm of purgatory or something.
And doesn't it feel like that? (if you LOVE your job, feel free to tune out for a bit here). I haven't worked in over a year, and I can't begin to tell you how much better my life is because of it.
And I've decided, short of a dire financial emergency, I'm not going back. UNLESS, I can find something I LOVE. Something that speaks to me - calls my name, like I've been missing and it's been looking for me for years.
And you know what? I KNOW it'll find me. Whether it exists already, or whether it comes to me in an idea (or more probably, a mix of the two), it WILL find me.
It's taken me a long time to realize all of this, and, especially, that I'm not lazy or unprincipled. I just haven't found the thing that sparks me to continue, to persevere... YET.
Same goes for losing weight, you know. Feeling inadequate because you aren't the weight society dictates that you should be. How many times have you given up because you felt so overwhelmed trying to meet a goal that has nothing to do with YOU, and more to do with what's acceptable to society? How many times has your light burned out because of this?
I've been there.
How can this be a good way to approach things? I mean each of us is different from everyone else, even twins aren't truly identical, so why should we follow a one-size fits all way to live? What I've found is that one-size fits all, usually doesn't fit anybody.
So I'm going my own way. My own path. My own way of doing things. And that's what's right for ME.
If you haven't found the spark to light your fire, keep going. Keep waiting. It'll come. Just you wait and see.