Friday, June 29, 2012
So the other day I had a disagreement with someone that I love very much. This always comes as a surprise to me, finding myself hurt by or hurting someone that I only have good feelings towards. Someone that is a close ally and a sacred blessing in my life.
Oddly enough it was over food, which just goes to show that when you dedicate to making a change the universe will push the very buttons that challenge that change the most. Is it a way of testing your will? I'm not sure. But mine sure was tested.
I was heading out the door to run errands, all hyped up and emotionally wounded, looking for a "quick-fix" outlet for my pain. It, of course, manifested as hunger - a deep, screaming desire- and I saw myself very easily reaching my hand out toward the McDonalds Drive-Thru window. And that vision felt GOOD people! Really good! It was too good in fact, I just began to salivate and shake and couldn't wait to make it to the car and get going.
It was pain in so many forms.
So, instead, I decided to send someone else out to do the errands. This, alone, took lots and lots of strength. Like bench-pressing an elephant. I knew with everything in me that I could not run the gauntlet of take-outs joints and make it safely to my destination that day!
While most would see this as a victory, I myself am left to wonder if my "quick fix" for every pain and disappointment in life is always going to be food? And if simply visualizing "naughty" foods will always bring on the shakes and violent salivation? Why can't salad or yogurt get me aroused like that?
Fast forward to this morning and I am once again on an even keel emotionally. I had a veggie omelette for breakfast. Something in my head said "add another egg." That's because a 3-egg omelette has always been my norm. But, guess what? Two works just fine as well. No toast or butter, just a cup of tea and some strawberries on the side.
I do allow myself indulgences... homemade pizza, fresh & local hamburgers, a slice of cheesecake, one ice cream cone, etc., but I really enjoy doing them mindfully. I like to choose the splurge ahead of time, think about it and work out my daily calories so that it doesn't put me over. Somehow that goodie tastes better this way. :-)
Little victories, one step, one meal, one emotion at a time.