Thursday, June 28, 2012
Ok so today I feel like a new and improved me, i don't know how long it will last but I'm embracing it while it lasts!!
So this morning started off really dull... I didn't feel like doing anything much less peeling myself out of bed. But I got out of bed, sat down and decided I should clean out my email inbox. I figured what the heck it's something productive all the while sitting on my butt. So I got that done and decided to tackle all the stacks of mail everywhere. Phew.. got through both of those. Ok so I really need to go take a shower so I can go grocery shopping, supposed to meet a friend at the dog park later. Ok I can get through this. So got done with my shower packed a couple of other errands into my shopping trip. Find out my friend bailed on me. Well it sucks but oh well, good thing I had plan b. Grandpa was coming into town for dinner. So I had dinner with him and my parents. It was really nice, we tried this new restaurant that came into town, and then went for ice cream.
On my way home, I heard this song on the radio, The Fighter –Gym Class Heroes. It totally sparked a whole new attitude. I had all this energy and needed to get it out. I got home grabbed Karlie(dog) and went for a walk. Now mind you I have been meaning to take her for a walk, but between being so exhausted and not wanting to do anything with the divorce going on, it was definitely a good thing but out of the blue. So I downloaded the song to my IPhone and started to really enjoy my walk. We ended up sprinting a little and I started skipping and even just bouncing around. I was filled with sooo much joy! Karlie had a blast too. It was gorgeous though. I will post the pics later. We live out in the country, sort of... and the sun was setting over the fields and trees. It was soo inspiring and uplifting. Now I'm not a religious person persay but it was a spiritual experience.
I got home from the walk and really wanted to go see a movie. Tried everyone I could. So at first I was going to go alone and then I decided ah what the heck I'll just watch one at home. Then my friend got a hold of me and we went to a movie together. It was soo nice. I did cry twice today but it's ok. The situation still hurts and still makes me sad. I know that it's going to be a constant battle. Some moments I'm going to feel proud of myself that I'm getting through it. Other moments I'm going to be lonely wishing someone was there to cuddle with and hold me, and those are the moments when I'll be at my weakest and his voice of "well I told you if you did everything I tell you to we wouldn't have any problems" or "you're a POS" will pop into my head. And they will feel real and true. They will tug at my heart, or the memories that were wonderful will creep into my head and those will probably be the worst, they will make my heart ache and long to be in his arms.
I've had lots of support from friends and my sparkbuddies. I haven't had very many moments where I didn't have someone to text that wouldn't text back.
Still breathing,.. still one day at a time.