Thursday, June 28, 2012
I have a tedious tendency to replay events in my head to the tune of, "woulda', coulda', shoulda". Rather than accept the day as it happened and take a moment to reflect on areas where I could improve, I continuously replay events in my head, not as they happened, but as I wish they had happened.
It seems that no event is too insignificant nor too grand to escape this siphon. When positive changes occur, I can't allow myself to enjoy even those. Instead, I turn my accomplishment into an admonishment such as, "Why did I have to wait 49 years to get this?".
I've been fortunate recently to have found the tools that not only have me taking the small steps to make significant change my life, but that force me to see my accomplishments as the important achievements that they are. I am no longer as apprehensive about the absence of noise and distractions in my life - the times when my negative thoughts would devastate me. I am now, however, just beyond the precipice of these self-deprecating lies. I am instead realizing, "This is not who I am" and "I know this is not the truth".
I am learning to evaluate even the most subtle untruths that keep me from enjoying the life in front of me. I turn inward now with perhaps the most important realization that, "Thank God I get it now - because all I have is now". And so as I say amen, after giving gratitude at the end of each day, I understand and embrace the depth of what Ralph Waldo Emerson meant when he said, "Finish each day and be done with it".