Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I have to be honest with myself, I keep telling myself this all the time, but never go through with it. Today, I'm ready to be honest, I know I wont like most of it, but it's time to face it and go forward. You can't fix what you don't acknowledge, right??
The past few months, I've been living each day thinking, tomorrow will be better, I'll get it right tomorrow. Today, it hit me, I'm ALWAYS telling myself this and I'm never getting to tomorrow, I'm always stuck looking at my mistakes from the past. I need to learn to look forward and look up. It isn't going to be easy, but I will do this, for myself.
Sometimes I wish I could just throw the past few months away and pretend they didn't happen, but they did.....I can not deny this anymore. I didn't work out when I could have, I made horrible food choices....which I totally knew what I was doing, I made excuses for not working out and eating poorly. A weekend away, I don't feel good, I'm way to tired, I have a headache, my stomach hurts too much, we NEVER go out to eat so why not enjoy just this once, I'll start over tomorrow, and my latest, I'll let myself do what I do until the 1st and then it's back on track for me. Well, I will no longer let myself fall on these excuses. I know I can't hide from myself any longer. I need to blog as much as I can, it will only help me be accountable for those moments. If I know that I'll report in during the day on how things are going, it will make me think twice about much I really don't feel well or how bad my headache really is.
I've noticed that I do great on my food during day and then when I get home from work for dinner, I don't record ANYTHING! I just tell myself there is no way I'll eat over 800 calories at night.....but it's amazing how fast things add up. I have made it two days now being 100% honest on what I'm eating.....and two days in a row, I'm within my calorie range. It's taken work, I grab something to eat, record before I eat and then put it back and make a better choice. I remind myself, it'll still be there tomorrow if I really want and I can adjust what I eat tomorrow to account for it. Surprisingly, I have felt satisfied for the past two days food wise, I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything.
I've also noticed I make so many excuses to NOT go to the gym. I mean really, do I really need to make excuses for this?!?!? I'm only hurting myself and fooling myself. I used to LOVE to workout. Lately, I enjoy it once I'm there, but getting is so hard. I work until 6pm, by the time I get to the gym and get started, it's 6:30pm. I like to try and do 45 minutes of cardio 4X week and life weights on the weekend. By the time I'm done with cardio it's anywhere from 7:15pm-7:30pm. I then make it home and shower, and no matter how fast I try and shower, it takes FOREVER. I'm usually just getting ready to make dinner around 8:15pm. I LOVE to cook, but find it hard on the days I'm at the gym (during the work week) due to time. So, usually my husband and I are on our own for food on these nights, which isn't always so bad. By the time I eat, it's almost 9:00pm.....never mind any errands I may need to run or anything else I need to do. I'm one of those people that NEEDS sleep.....and LOTS of it. I'd like to say I'm not, but let's face it, I need my sleep. If I'm not in bed by 10:30pm, the next day will be horrible. I also have problems sleeping, so really I try and be in bed by 10:00pm so I know I should get a few hours of sleep. The gym can be tough.....it's so easy to talk myself out of it when I'm tired or have a lot to do!
One of the last issues I'm coming to terms with that 'helps' me make excuses for everything, is one that I don't like to admit, but once I came to terms with it, I felt a whole lot better. While my friends and family know I want to be healthier and they know I'm not happy the size I am, I can't honestly say I feel like I have the support I need. My husband is great, he knows what I'm trying to do, but I haven't come to terms yet to tell him my weight and exactly how much I want to lose. I just can't face the idea of being honest and giving an actual number, I'm so embarrassed by this! He loves me the way I am, which I'm thankful for, but I'm starting to think it's hurting my progress a little. It's so easy to eat a little more or not go to the gym when he's telling me he loves a woman with curves. LOL....to me, they aren't curves though. He loves to go out for dinner and enjoy food, and I think sometimes he doesn't know how to say no to my ideas and doesn't want to hurt me. My family......because I live away from all of them, they don't really realize what I'm wanting/trying to do. I'm finding it easier and easier to avoid going home to see them so that I can 'attempt' to stay on track.....which obviously isn't working.
Well, enough for the night, I must try and get some sleep. I've totally rambled on tonight and probably make no sense at all. I feel a little better getting some of my 'secrets' off my shoulders and put them out there. I'm sure I'll find even more as time goes on. I hope you all have a good night!!