According to the stres theory, a little stress is healthy. It encourages you to push a little further and go a little harder. It keeps you on your toes.
According to that same theory, too much stress is BAD. It depresses your immune system. It makes you tired. It slows you down...
I think that is what is happening. I was down to about 192ish, teetering on 191, about a month ago or so. Isn't it crazy how TEN pounds can make you feel?!? I'm dealing with this heart issue that has kept me sitting on my butt for way too long, and I'm not really sure how to deal with it. BUT, the stress alone is going to KILL me!
I should find out today when the heart procedure is going to take place.
I take my NCLEX on Friday, hoping that if I pass... a job will magically appear that day ?
I have two jobs that I juggle... both together barely pay my bills, and I will be overqualified for both of them if I pass on Friday. I have my replacements' resumes ON MY DESK... STRESS!?!
I have been trying to figure out how to get along with my guy, working on bills and work and school... and yadda yadda yadda... he still supports me 100% and I just don't understand how I got so lucky. I'll deny it to the death that I said that if he asked, but... it's true. We're working it out a little at a time.
I feel EXHAUSTED. I cry for no reason, I'm tired, I'm achy, there's always something that's bothering me (my heart, my knee, my stomach, a headache) and I feel like all I do is complain. Since gaining this ten pounds back, I feel like that coomplaining is getting worse. I realize that even my UNDERWARE are tight... lol and there's nothing hotter than muffin top over some cute under-roos! ;) lol
I am trying really hard to get that energy back, but I realize... reading back through these blogs, that a diary is probably the healthiest thing for me. Only my closest friends have access to this, and they understand. I realize when I feel good, and when I feel like junk, and I'm understanding that my heart issue HAS been holding me back. There's no two ways about it, having an attack makes me think twice about taking the stairs or parking in the back of the lot... so running three miles really scares the heck out of me, even if it's with someone that I trust would be able to help me.
Losing control of your heart rate and breathing and feeling that surge of epinephrine rush through your body is the most horrifying and embarrassing experience, and when people see a heavy girl grab her chest, they automatically think "heart attack" or "anxiety". It's been really tough because no one really understands how terrifying these attacks are or how I feel about them keeping me from working out and moving my body. It may be a crutch or an excuse right now, but hopefully... after this next ablasion, there will not be a reason any longer.
I'm really scared, this procedure is terrible and I have a new doctor that promises that everything is going to go much better this time, but I really have been trying to keep my fear of this procedure to myself, because it is simply a procedure that can't be explained. The only way to get people to understand is to tell them that it's a procedure that involves threading a tiny laser through a puncture site in my groin, that leads to my heart. They speed my heart up, then slow it down so that they can duplicate the episode. If my heart stops, they shock me. Then they take the little laser and start zapping away inside of my heart. I can feel it burn, I can feel the shocks, I can feel my heart racing and slowing way too slow. I can feel it stop. They give me just enough medicine that I can't really communicate, but it doesn't mess with my heart rate. The first time I was wide awake, the second time they put me in a twighlight, and I'm terrified to find out what will happen this time. A friend is putting my case to the top of the stack, so I should be going in any day now... I just keep thinking that if it goes as planned, my heart will be fixed and I won't worry about it anymore. But that thought process is disrupted by the realization that they have told me that twice before. But, it's out of my hands... that's the only thing I know for sure. And there are diseases that are much worse, and people that go through much worse... but I am still just scared...
So, here's to Friday.
Here's to passing the NCLEX.
Here's to the cure to my heart issue.
Here's to getting a new job.
Here's to moving forward.
Here's to being able to have enough money to throw my son A REAL birthday party this year!
This will all be over soon... and as long as I can keep my stress at that "healthy" motivating level, I should be able to get through it without collapsing.
THIRD TIME'S A CHARM!