Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I have been gone for awhile. I have been coming and going and login almost daily. However, I have NOT been working out. I have NOT been eating healthy. I have gotten so far off track that I am starting back at the beginning. I know that it happens and I shouldn't beat myself up about it, but I feel horrible. A lot has happened this past year and though the things are not excuses, I find myself slipping further from my goals and into a depression. Let me start at the beginning...
My first obstacle that I started to notice when I was really making progress was my lack of good time management. This was in part due to my inability to get good sleep. I found myself staying in bed longer to get sleep since I can't stay asleep through the night. I started slowly slipping at that time. This was a little over a year ago. Since then, I still struggle with my sleep from time to time, but have started taking melatonin and valerian root to help with my sleep.
The second thing that happened was I met someone. Yes, I met the man that I planned to marry. Things moved faster than he was ready for and he broke my heart a little over a month ago. Throughout our time together, I found that I spent my free time with him, talking to him or doing things for him. I made these choices and I am not unhappy about them. However, I know I should have still taken the time for myself. After all, here I am all alone and not any closer to my health goals.
It may seem silly to some, but the past month or so I have found myself in a sort of depression. I am not sure how I am supposed to feel or how I am supposed to wake up each morning and go about my day without this man. I have been doing it so I know that it can be done, but deep down I am broken. My heart is broken. I feel as though I just don't care anymore and that makes it even harder to get back on the health horse. How do you suddenly go about your life after losing the person you love? The person that you made future plans with? The person you were going to marry and have a family with? I am having a very difficult time dealing with the pain and the lose of this man as well as the loss of our future together. Sure, there are other fish in the sea. I hear this all the time. It makes it even harder because I KNOW there are other people out there yet my heart still belongs to him. I can't be unfair to anyone. I can't knowingly get involved with another man while I know my heart is not available to them. Yes, that means that I have to give it time. I have to allow myself to heal and move on from the pain and heartache. I do believe there will come a day that I can move forward and date again. I just do not see that light at the end of the tunnel yet.
Many will say this is the best time to really focus on myself. I couldn't agree more! I also can't lie and say that I am motivated. I lack the motivation as I am in the depression. I started seeing a counselor. It helps, but is not the answer I am looking for. The one thing I have learned in my life is if you don't know what to do then don't do anything at the moment. So I am just going about my life and hoping that things will get better, that answers will come my way. I am back here because I WANT to get healthy and I WANT to exercise and do things that make me happy. I just know that it is going to take time to get back into things here as well. I am starting slow...very slow.
I share this with all my spark friends because I feel I have been a bad friend. I am sure everyone will understand, but I want to be a better person. I want to be healthier physically and emotionally. The break up and heartache is making that very difficult. Thank you for reading and listening. It is not easy to admit that I am beaten down. I am so used to being the strong one for everyone that it's hard to share my feelings, but right now...I am not the strong one.