Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I donít blogÖ not ever. So as one of my small daily/weekly goals I will try to blog once a week. Just to have something to look back on and see how far I have come.
I am a skinny girl trapped in a heavy girlís body. I grew up thinking I was fat when I wasnít. I spent so many hours agonizing over the weight that I imagined was there but wasnít. I see that girl in pictures and I feel her inside trying to claw her way out. Now I am carrying around a whole entire person worth of weight. I know that I should see what everyone else sees, a beautiful woman. But I canít. I truly hate how I look right now. My daughter looks at me and says Ďmommy youíre not fatí but I am and I tell her that I am. I tell her that she is lucky because she is healthy and active and that she will never have to be fat like me. Thatís bad, I know. To say something like that to a child, but I say it because I donít want her to think that carrying around an extra 100 lbs is healthy and I donít want her to see me this way. I donít want her to end up like me. Even though I know that it may be genetic. I have a thyroid disorder that helps me gain weight really freaking fast and really easily. It also makes losing weight really hard. At least so far.
My #1 reason to lose weight is because I am in pain. All day every day I hurt. My body just aches. I donít know what is like to not be in pain any more. So I walk every day. It helps some. But I know I should do much more. So I will. The doctors have told me that weight loss will help. All I have done is gain, now I need to turn that around and start to lose.
My second reason to lose the weight is that I want to like what I see when I look in the mirror. Right now I avoid them, I also avoid the camera. I hate being in pictures. I hate seeing that extra 100 lbs. I want to feel as beautiful as people say I am. I stopped feeling that way a long time ago.
Reason #3 would be to show my daughters that being healthy is important and that they can accomplish anything. I have a huge goal with the weight loss thing, hurdles are everywhere. But I believe that I can do it. I have to believe it. I wonít teach them to fail I will teach them to succeed.
I have given myself a year to lose 100 lbs. I will do everything I can to lose the weight. Even if that means not eating the chocolate bar that is calling my name at this very momentÖ.