Sometimes life is just overwhelming.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
My life is overwhelming. I thought it was rough before, but now it's the worst. My honey and I are arguing and discussing what we really want anymore. It doesn't seem like we want the same thing. We've been married 25 years, dated for over 30 years, and now that we are "empty nesters", we have troubles? Who would have known? Not me! It could just be the stress of son trying to "find himself", dad in limbo between skilled nursing care and assisted living, mom in nursing home with MS, husband not feeling good and not wanting to do anything with me anymore. I want to work out and eat clean. He wants to sit on the couch and have a drink every night. He now has high blood pressure, gained a few pounds around the belly and is tired all the time. Hello!?!?! You need to exercise with me. It will make you feel better. It's not what he eats that makes him gain weight either. It's the alcohol and sugar. If he'd just quit or cut back, the belly would just fall off him. (It kind of appeared out of nowhere. He's always been "thin". Maybe it's the upper 40 thing. Anyway, it's happened.)
I keep telling myself to let it all go. Stop worrying about everyone else. They are all adults and can make their own decisions. I have always tried to help everyone else and put them first. Right now all I want to do is run away. Run like Forrest Gump. Run long and far and don't look back.
I'll get through this. Life will turn around -- one way or the other. All the other stuff going on my life I can deal with, but when my honey and I are having troubles, it scares me. We always do everything together. We appear to everyone else to have the "perfect" marriage. If we start drifting apart, I don't know what I'll do. He has been my rock through all of life's trials and tribulations. I need him. I love him. I told him that this morning, but he didn't say much. He's not talking to me. At least I let him know how I feel. I'm worried about his health and us not living out our "good years" together. I need to stop thinking so hard.
Life is just that...life. Ups and downs. Good and bad. It's just down and bad right now. I'm hoping he comes around and sees how much I love him. All the other "stuff" will just have to take care of itself. I'm not going to worry about anything else but my marriage right now. It's top priority. Well, that and my workouts. They are what keep me sane!!!
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Wow, Sherry you have got a lot of support here! :-)
I'm sorry this is a rough patch with DH and agree with everyone here, pray first and then put your marriage and your health next. I can't relate to empty nesters or this long of a relationship, I have never lasted over 8 years with a man. (And its always been just me and him no kids involved)
But what I do know is men, plenty of them. They are so compartmental with the way they think. Its as if each area is one thing, so remember he may be in a different compartment such as thinking about work, finance, or whatever and since he knows your there he may not know what to say so better to say nothing. (men)
We women are all over the place, as nesters we love our home happy and when something is out of place, people or whatever we work hard to get it the way it should be. Sometimes this comes as prying or nagging.
Give him his space, but keep the line of communcation open. He could be stressed and not wanting to work on himself or talk it out right now. (didn't you just build a new big $$$ house?) Maybe he feels he can't please you, or himself.
I agree to try to find some little things you can do together to bond, take a class or make something like stained glass, pottery (glazed and confused) or do puzzles or play board games or cards over coffee. I like a once a month date night, go mini golfing, or hit some golf balls at the range, or go to a rec room then to dinner or a picnik.
Maybe tuck a small note in his pocket that says "Your my best friend" or just a smile face or heart. Then let it go, and let him come to you when he is ready to talk he will talk. Stay light hearted, commited and open, keep praying and work on really looking at what your doing too. (we all know you are perfect *smiles)
If its one thing I have learned in almost 50 years is you got to work on yourself because you CAN'T CHANGE ANYONE but you. A great movie or book is Fireproof, I love it (Christian book store or google).......but no matter what let him know you love him and you do have his back.
Don't know if any of this helps, but its my 2 cents worth.... (I need to write a book ha ha)
1519 days ago
Mark & I are at 27 this year & we have gone thru the same stuff. It is pretty normal. Just keep the communication open.
My hubby lives downstairs in his mancave - watches all those Ax man, swamp people, yada yada shows. I have my shows. So we are separated a lot in evenings. I try to go down but can only tolerate so many of them - plus he bounces around. He has hobbies. I feel like I have none. His hobbies are building motors & motorcycles. Eh, not for me. I have no clue what I want to do.
Funny, my hubby is like yours except I want that beer, and he wants to just lie on couch & snack. But I want to go to local pub & dance (not even 1/2 mile away..we can take a taxi for $5.00) Live bands, but he wants to stay home. I want to go on walks & he says find your friends. Even sex is different. He'd rather sleep ..grrr.
Also - I want to travel. He thinks it is a waste of money.
I miss our son often & want to bring him home from California for weekends.
He says "He was just here - let him get his bills paid up".
Just know you are not alone. Its not that the love is gone.
I think its common to go thru this.
Doesn't make it any easier...
1520 days ago
It is very hard. We are still not empty nesters but my hd has been a retired person for 3 years. I was a stay at home mom who never went back to work so we are now at home all the time together. It was hard at first but I have found that I still go to the gym just much earlier so we can spend the day together and I now go to a quilting group one day a week which I would not have done when he was working. You do things for you but it still needs to be a together time when together. Think about small things you can do together that you each can enjoy. My hd doesn't like to exercise but I do, he doesn't eat like I do (but he respects my way of eating) but we find just going out for coffee/tea together, almost everyday, something we can do together where we talk more than if we were at home. Think of the small things and try not to worry about the little things (from the biggest worrier out there) its not easy. But it is worth it. Good luck.
1520 days ago
I am so sorry that you and hubby are having a tough time. I'm glad that you were able to express your feelings to him this morning. Who knows what goes on in the minds of men, but hopefully he'll come home with a different view on things knowing that you've "got his back." He may be moody about something totally unrelated to you (or not), but we always feel that we can "let our hair down" around the ones we love the most. Your are right to put your marriage and your health first. Have you heard about Marriage Encounter? Do you think he would be willing to attend something like that? I have heard that it does wonders for marriages.
I know that you want nothing but the best for your family. Sometimes, it's not what we say, but how we say it that hurts someone. Your hubby may see your "reminding" him about his health as nagging or mothering him. You know what to do - Let go, and let God. Take your concerns to God in prayer - and leave them in His capable hands. We can't do for others what they must do for themselves. Your level of peace and serenity are inversely proportional to your expectations of your hubby, son, dad, and mom.
Holding you and your entire family in my thoughts and prayers.
1520 days ago
I am in the same boat as you - empty nesters now sitting and staring at each other, wondering what to do next. Exactly the same thing, exactly.
I'm still trying to figure it all out, but not over-thinking it. Don't over think right now, just go with the flow.
1521 days ago
Comment edited on: 6/26/2012 11:10:57 AM
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