Monday, June 25, 2012
Iím so unhappy with my weight yet I continue to eat! I look at myself in the mirror and wonder who that obese woman is staring back at me? What happened to the Ellen I used to know? The one who had self-control, the one who was active, the one who was at a normal weight? The old me has been swallowed up whole by this out of control woman that I donít know and donít like. The more I look at myself in the mirror, the more depressed I get and the more I eat. How do I stop this vicious cycle? I really DO want to lose this weight but keep falling off the wagon.
Today was the straw that broke the camels back! My bathing suit that Iíve been wearing the past two years is on its last leg because the elastic is gone on the straps that hold up my ďgirlsĒ causing the straps to keep falling down (and the ďgirlsĒ to fall out!). I went to the mall today to buy a new bathing suit and I could barely fit into a size 22W; a size I had never worn before. All the suits for us fat women are hideous! Weíre fat which already makes us stand out from all the thin women on the beach but do the designers really need to make bathing suits for us in the ugliest material available to draw even more attention to us? I went to those stores excited to buy a new bathing suit and left in tears.
Tonight for dinner I pulled out the blender and threw in ice, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, apple, a banana, a little water and a big handful of raw spinach and watched it swirl together to create delicious concoction. Iím starting again tonight. Iím not waiting until tomorrow morning or next Monday, Iím starting tonight. I took a picture of myself in the fitting room wearing that size 22W bathing suit. It is now a constant reminder for me to stay on track because it is now the wallpaper on my cell phone, itís been printed out and hangs on my refrigerator, on the visor of my car and is now posted here for all of you to see.
The Ellen in this picture is no longer welcome in my life! I refuse to let her take control of me and my life any longer.