**Bear with me, this might get a little wordy**

Everyone has a date in mind. Whether it's a race, a high school or family reunion, a birthday, the start of bathing/swimming suit season, or in my case a doctors appointment, everyone has a date in which they wish to lose the weight, or fit into a certain size. My date in July 30, exactly 5 weeks away from today. If it wasn't for the fact that I have several doctors worried about that little number on the scale, I wouldn't even bother weighing in as much as I do. In fact I really don't care how much I weight, I just care about how I feel about myself, if I can run a half marathon, and be happy and proud to go to a water park in a two piece. Sure, I have vain number goals; it's hard not to in this society where everything is based on size and weight. I would like to be anywhere from a 118-135. Yes I am aware that's a big range, but who's to say that I won't look awesome and fit into my dream size at 130? Ideally I would like to be at 18% body fat and a 22 BMI, which for my height is 122 pounds. I would also like to fit into a size 14 kids (trust me it is possible, my mom can do it!). The reasoning behind a 14 or 16 is simple. No where, and I mean no where else can I find an inseam of 27 inches. Yes I am that short, and no I do not want to hem every pair of pants. If you take of any more than 3 inches, it just looks silly.

But these aren't my real goals. I understand that these are just dream or wishes, or even a side effect of living a healthy lifestyle. No my real goal is run a half marathon, the 2014 San Antonio Rock and Roll Half Marathon to be exact. You might be thinking, why 2014, why not 2013? Well if I can run it then, you bet your butt I will, but I know that I want to be able to get there and really run it. Not just do it unprepared. It takes a lot of hard work, and considering I can't run at all (not that I have really tried in a while), I know that I will succeed the slower I take it.

I haven't started the C25K program yet, though this will be my 3 or 4 attempt at it. But it is getting closer, and it still feels like I won't accomplish my before the program goal. Before I start, I want to be able to walk at 4.0 mph at a 3% grade for 55 minutes without feeling like I am going to die, and hopefully with a heart rate of no more than 175, but in the steady 160s, or even lower if I can. I don't know when I can accomplish that goal, but next Monday is my first scheduled 55 minutes at 4.0 mph.

Today I really I did a full 4 minutes at the high intensity of 4.0 mph with a one minute recovery at 3.5 mph. Just two months ago, walking at 3.5 wore me out, now it's ridiculously easy. I just wish 4.0 was as well. I'm not going to lie, it was hard. The hardest day yet. I had to really push myself, constantly lying and telling myself, just one more set, only two more minutes. But I got done. My heart rate was not a happy camper. I am actually very confused. It was good good last week, but today it just didn't like me at all. Here's what I'm talking about:

Wednesday (3 minutes at 4.0mph/2 minutes at 3.5mph)

Total Time - 1:05:31
In Zone (above 146) - 59:15
Avg - 162
Peak - 181

Today/Monday (4 minutes at 4mph/2 minutes at 3.5mph)

Total Time - 1:05:40
In Zone (above 146) - 1:00:14
Avg - 171
Peak - 188

So as you can see, my heart rate was very high today. It didn't recover as fast as last weeks, the peak was higher, as was the average. When I glanced down durning my higher intensity levels, it was always in the 170's, or 180's. When I was recovery, it was still in the 170's. This makes me worried. Will I have to repeat this week next week? Will that put my C25K two or three weeks behind? This worries me, especially since I am still fighting off that fatigue that has hit me a week ago.

I am still not hungry and have no appetite at all with the exception of stone fruits (peaches, nectarines, and cherries). Granted there could be worse things to eat, but meat, dairy, even sweets like chocolate are doing nothing for me. I can stomach some Special K and mixed nuts, but that's it. It's like my body wants to go back to being a vegan, only raw this time. It is helping me lose the weight.

I wrote a blog a couple days ago about how I thought it was my depression coming back, but then I remembered something. I am having the exact same symptoms I did back in September/October. The exact symptoms that lead me to a gynecologist, which lead to the diagnosis of PCOS and Vitamin D deficiency. But I am taking my Vitamin D. Maybe it's not enough? I am taking the maximum dosage though, 2000 units.

So I got a little off topic. I really hope this doesn't jeopardized my C25K schedule because, though I haven't signed up since I am prone to injuries, I do have a 5k I want to run. At the end of September in Houston Texas there will be one of 3 PCOS Awareness 5k's in the United States sponsored by the PCOS Foundation. I really really want this to be my first official 5k race. I don't care if I run a couple of 5k's on my own, or even a few Verne's No Frills 5k's. But I really want my first 5k to be that PCOS. I really want to run it under 35 minutes too! Granted I'll be training in a hiller area when I do my outside runs, I still want to be able to well. To give the people that have PCOS hope.

I know that the latest I can start the training program is in the middle of August, but I don't want to run my first 5k race only one week after I ran my first 5k. I want time to improve on breathing, speed, endurance, and technique. I need full month to do it! I need to start at the second week of July. I can't afford not to!

This comes to the conclusion of my long rant and ponderings. So my questions to all of you out there, the ones that can already run 5k's and beyond, is how do you get your heart rate lower? How do you get your breathing to work for you and not feel like your gasping?

I'm good on the endurance, as you can tell. I do love my intervals, and yes I do them a lot longer than most people (55 minutes of intervals, plus a 5 minutes warm up and 5 minute cool down, I work out for a total of 65 minutes three times a week). Is there something I'm missing, or am I doing it right, but I just need more time? Should I just push through and hope my heart rate adapts?

Okay! Thanks in advance! Have a great Sparking week, and keep up the Sparkiness!

~Misha~