Friday, June 22, 2012
Well today was one of those days. One of those days that hammers home that I have and will always have a Major depression disorder with anxiety. I got up and I was feeling pretty good the kids went to the African lion safari so I had the house to myself to laze around in and take my time getting up having a coffee and walking the dogs. Which is exactly what I did. I got home went through the mail, text my daughter to tell her she got paid from the school, all in all things were going good. I was thinking about my ST workout as it is Friday and debating if I would do a one mile or 2 mile walking off the pounds, when all of a sudden it happened.
I looked at the clock and swore I had forgotten my doctors appointment. It shook me a little but I stopped the panic, I was not completely out of my meds so just call and make a new appt. So I did and the receptionist (gods bless her she is a wonderful woman) is very calm and looks to rebook. She comes back on the phone to tell me Doc is going on vacation could I get there within the hour or I would be out of meds till he gets back. Ok full blown panic sets in. Yes I can get there within the hour. I run to get all the animals off the balcony and in the house so the puppy wont be out there barking while I am gone. I turn on the air so Boo my 14 year old dog wont over heat while I am gone. I grab my purse and run for the bus. The bus of course is late and by this time it doesn't matter anyway I am shaking and on the verge of tears even though logically I know I will make it and be alright.
I make it to the Docs and get in his office and totally fall apart tears and the whole nine yards. I hate that I can not control it. I hate that I am on what feels like a million meds just to feel normal when there really inst any stress. I really HATE that my emotions take over and effect my mind and body and other peoples perception of me and I have no control over it at all. I feel totally emotionally betrayed. I am completely drained and all I want to do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep.
However as I am write this, with tears streaming down my face as I still am very drained and raw emotionally, I just realized something. For the first time ever it didn't even cross my mind to bury my emotions in a binge. Hmm so maybe just maybe I am getting some control. Maybe there are things in my life that I am never going to have control over but right now I can control what I eat and how I take care of myself. So I take a little nap get some energy back get up and do my ST and my mile and carry on. Yes I will carry on and I will beat this because I can control this if nothing else. Today my emotions are a mess but I don't have to let that set me back, today I can choose to carry on.