a bit of a rant on a bad day

Friday, June 22, 2012

Ever feel like you are making a herculean effort and receiving microscopic results? Like the mountain you're trudging up looks like a speck of sand to everyone around you? But that speck of sand feels like it's going to eat you alive??

I'm over tired, under appreciated, frustrated, annoyed, sad, needy, and really wishing some people would acknowledge my effort. Then in the next second I wonder if I just half a$$ed it, would it be easier to handle? Or would I still feel like a failure b/c I know I wasn't giving my all?

I have some derby drama going on and I don't even know if it's all in my head or what. I feel like I give all that I can to this league and team and I'm constantly trying to do things to make me better. I push myself past breaking at every practice while others do the bare minimum. I ask for jobs that I see a need for and get shot down constantly. But yet when it comes down to bout day, I'm still just one of the "new girls". I'm on a line this time but I am in the position where I will substituted out on a regular basis with girls much less skilled than I am.

I keep thinking maybe I care too much, try too hard, or I'm just not as good as I think I am. Don't get me wrong...I know I'm not an expert but I really give it my all and try to learn everything I can.

If I'm not taking care of my family or at work, I'm doing volunteering with derby. Or thinking about derby. Or working out to be better at derby. Or researching things to learn more about derby. I spend all my extra money on dues, jerseys, equipment, and traveling to away games. I've done this since day one and it's been almost a year now. It's my passion and I really LOVE it most days.

Then I wonder if it's worth it. I miss my family on practice days. I'm sore and exhausted on a constant basis. I always feel like I should be somewhere else no matter what I'm doing.

Is the effort ever going to be good enough? Or will people with more seniority or natural ability that don't have to give the effort always get the prize while I'm left crying on the way home (after pushing so hard at practice that I want to vomit)?

I'm not giving up because I'm not a quitter. But I can't say it doesn't hurt somewhere deep inside. Saw a quote that was perfect for my feelings today: Tough times don't last; Tough people do. I'll keep calm and carry on. It's has to get better, right??

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    In our league, we have a 70% attendance policy. All leagues are different, I'm not sure what yours is. If it's something similar, why not sit down with your attendance girl and figure out how many practices you can miss- and spend them with your family?

    I say talk one on one with your captains or bench coach to see why you're being subbed for girls with less skill. Perhaps a skill evaluation might be worth it? It might be painful and suck to hear, but at least you'd have specifics to work for, yanno? Like pack awareness, etc. Maybe they want specific players paired up together. Maybe you don't skate well with certain skaters. I know I'm not a good B2 with this one girl because she doesn't know how to pair up. She does her own thing.

    In terms of jobs. Some people are just jerks and don't know how to let others help. Maybe they've been burned from people vaguely saying, "I'd love to help" and then not coming up with anything. My teammates tell me "Oh I'll help with the blog!" and then never follow up. Maybe ask one of the admin girls specifically what they need done? Or go to one of your league founders? And ya know what, if they're not going to give you more, then screw it. You manage to get wrapped into more drama if you have more responsibility sometimes. And then you go "Man, I just wanna skate."

    You and I both know that the effort of derby will pay off. It has already paid off, hasn't it?? We all go through slumps. Sometimes it's hard to get through them. And then, what, we listen to a Bonnie seminar? We go watch a really awesome All Star game for another league? It won't take long til you get back in the derby love mindset. You just need to get through your slump. Just take it easy at practice. Remember not to kick the puppy. There's no need to exert yourself to the point of an emotional/physical breakdown. I learn better if I have a clear head and can store what I've done. If I leave delirious, I'll never retain it.

    If you're feeling like crap, then something's wrong. Take a week off? Turn derby off and see how you feel. But I bet you $100 that you'll be yearning to be back on the track within a day.
    1912 days ago
  • LORI815
    Hang in there. Sometimes it's our own perceptions that get us. Keep on trucking and working hard. It will get you where you want to be. Is there anyone that you feel like you could talk to about how you're feeling? Bring it across like what more would it take for you to be in the position that you're striving to reach. Being "newer" maybe they think "you" don't think you're ready..who knows. Worst case scenario...you'll at least know where you stand. Wishing you the best! Hope this is just a small valley and soon you'll be back on top of that hill! emoticon
    1914 days ago
    I understand where you are coming from. I am not naturally athletic or remotely coordinated. I have to work 10x's harder at most things to be just average.

    And for me, the more I want something and the more I care..the worse I suck. I get too emotional and crawl up in my head and over think everything. I'm like Lenni from "Of Mice and Men" and I love it too hard. I squeeze it and crush the life out of it. Does that make sense? The best games I've had are the ones where I say "F* it!" and just play. The best times I have are when I don't think. I don't worry about the "what ifs" or where I'm rostered or what might happen or who said what about whom.

    It might not be a bad thing if you took a little step back for a minute. Know what I mean?
    1915 days ago
    Aw, hon, we all have these days. Sounds like you just need a break. Maybe give yourself a stress-free and derby-free weekend. Or at least let yourself sleep in and relax a bit. Weekends always have a way of making things better. :) emoticon
    1915 days ago
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