Friday, June 22, 2012
Lately I have been struggling A LOT because I have let life get to me and I stopped fighting back. There's just too much going on. I keep telling myself that it will calm down and that I can get back on track when such and such happens and then it doesn't happen, so I don't put in the effort to get back on track. It's a poor excusse and I am dissappointed in myself for reverting back to the "its too hard so I'm not going to do it" crap that I did years ago that led me to be obese in the first place. I WANT THIS. I NEED THIS. Most importantly now because I need to fit into my wedding dress and even that isn't motivating me enough right now for some reason. I keep telling myself I have time because the wedding is still 10 months away. But where do I want to be when the wedding rolls around? Do I want to fit into the dress or do I want to be small enough that I have to trade it in for a smaller size?!?!? Originally my goal was to have to trade it in. I don't know when it became acceptable to me to just fit into it. I DON'T want to wear a size 16W wedding dress. And if I don't start getting serious soon I will be. I DON'T want to hate my wedding pictures. Lately all I see when I look at pictures is fat and I don't want that to take away from that day. I don't want to look at them and see failure. And especially to know that I gave up trying. At the same time, there is just too much going on - major life events - losing my job, looking for another one, moving and a wedding. It's so hard but I know I need to step up.
As of right now, the move is the biggest thing I feel is standing in my way. I had intended to make a lot of healthy changes when I moved because I would be shopping for myself and my fiance and not just being at the mercy of my parents - who usually eat whatever I bring home so putting out my limited funds for good food when they are just going to eat it all up is annoying. But I do it anyway for the time being. I am also moving to an area where I will have a lot of places to run, bike, walk, etc. There will be a gym in my building and I can continue with my videos without having to worry about which TV my parents will let me use to do it. I CAN NOT wait to move! I KNOW I can make much better choices. The problem is, we actually have to move!!!! First we were supposed to move in in May and then May turned into June and now we are looking at July and maybe not even the beginning of July. It's so frustrating. In the meantime, I am stuck with my parents and it is not a good place for me to be right now. It is not a very good environment at the moment, especially since my mom is causing me extra stress by always talking about the wedding and adding to my to-do list and trying to get everything done ahead of time. We still have 10 months and I keep trying to slow her down. I actually wasn't going to do anything else for the wedding until we moved, BUT, once again, that is taking too long and there are things that unfortunately need to get done.
On top of that,I am losing my job, I've been told that, but no one will tell me when, so having that hanging over my head is hard. I have a potential new job where I used to work, just in a different lab, but they haven't contacted me yet because they are still trying to figure things out. I don't know if there will be a gap between when I lose my job and when I start that one (if I start that one!) and how I will pay for things in the meantime, blah, blah, blah. More stress.
And I'm not even going to go into all the wedding crap and the specifics of moving and dealing with this stupid condo association. Basically, they are all excuses in the long run right?!?! What I need to do is figure out how to do this even when life is crazy, not just when it agrees with me. I have to find balance even when everything seems so out of control. I cannot turn to sugar (more often than necessary) or laziness. Even though I had a cold that knocked me on my butt from asthma, I am better now, so I am working toward doing my hard-core workouts again. But there is a part of me that doesn't really want to do that. That kindof enjoyed the time off. I need to BAN that part of me. I am far from my goal and I have been stuck lately and even that is starting to get to me....starting to have those negative "i can't do this" thoughts and it needs to stop. I can't keep waiting for things to calm down, I just have to do it! There has to be some way to do it.
Ultimately, I have to go back to basics because I have definitely lost those lately. I still get lots of water in everyday, but I am not tracking my food on spark like I should. I am making wrong food choices (yes, yes, I know, there are no wrong food choices, but they ARE wrong for me right now). I need to go back to tracking carbs and keeping them low. Getting in my fruits and veggies, particularly my veggies and I need to get rid of the soda habit that began to creep back in. I haven't had soda in so long and I don't know what made me start again (I think it's the sweetness).
So, the plan:
1) I will give myself a coulpe more days to do the low-key workouts to get my body used to it again and then starting monday I am back to following my turbo fire schedule. For week 17 we are back to HIIT workouts! Going to skip the week 16 recovery week because I've had 2 of thosewhile I was sick! I'd like to be as close to 1000FM this month as possible. That's a low month for me, but I can live with it. Next month, my goal is to hit 2000FM.
2)Track track track and track. EVERYTHING! on spark, not on paper.
3)Watch my carb intake. I know I do better with lower carbs. Not extremely low, but if I cut out white processed stuff and stick to brown rice, wheat bread, etc occationally then I get pretty good results.
4)More veggies. period.
5)More protein. I ran out of protein shake and just haven't made the time to go buy more. Shame on me for not doing what I need to do for my health since it is just one stop at the store!
6)I want to lose at least 40 more pounds before my fitting for my dress. That will put me at 166lbs. I can live with that. Yes, I would have liked it to be a little more, especially since my first goal is 150, but I have to be realistic. Getting to a 40lbs loss in 7 months is realistic - it's about 6lbs a month. Maybe I can take off that last 16 before the actual wedding, which is 3 months after the fitting. But if I don't, I have to allow myself that. My perfectionist self can't get in the way. I have to tell myself that as long as I am doing my best, that is ok.
7)I want the inches gone, so doing more ST is high on the priority list. When I get in extra workouts, they are usually cardio, but I shoud do one extra ST workout per week too. So now I am going to.
8)I WILL stop the negative talk. I have to stop telling myself this isnt' possible, that I'm not worth it, etc. Because I AM. Lots of people in my life believe that, so why can't I?
9)I am going to stop with the excuses. No more "when this happens.." I'm going to do it now. And things will happen when they happen.
10)I felt the need to make this a round number, SO, I last on my list (which should probably be first) is to take time for ME everyday. A few minutes just to take some deep breaths and relax a little. No wedding, moving or job thoughts allowed, just me and quiet.
If you have stuck with me through my ramblings, I grant you sainthood (lol) and thank you as well. Getting all this out actually helped my mood a little =)