Warning: This is a mopey post, and I'm sorry. I just need to get some of these feelings out. Feel free to not read if you're not interested.
I'll admit it, I have been a little down, frustrated and angry. I'm not sure where all these emotions are coming from, and was hoping that after 2 weeks of dedicated exercise some of these would fade.
I think when you take a big step in your life (like me becoming a mommy) sometimes struggling against the change can leave you feeling this way. And then there's the feeling of guilt for feeling this way. Normally I would stuff my face to make myself feel better (but not actually change anything [except my pants size]) and since I'm not doing this "self-medicating" destructive behavior, I'm still left with these emotions. It's kind of a catch 22.
I keep trying to make myself step back from my life and count my blessings: I have a wonderful family and husband. My baby boy is healthy, growing and generally awesome to be around. I have a job which right now is allowing me a summer vacation to spend these very exciting months with my child--who will only be this little once in his life. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly and I'm in good health.
But...there are things that are bugging me.
I don't like the way I look and how my body has changed after pregnancy. I though I had a big tummy BEFORE baby, now--hah.
I was very close to being in an awesome contest that our huge HEB grocery store held to help me get healthy--but they didn't pick me. They "Went with some other contestant, but wanted me to try out again." Now reading what the selected 25 people are doing and how it's changing their lives, it's frustrating, especially with such negative feelings towards how I'm feeling about my body.
I got passed over for a job that would have been 10 minutes from the house instead of 35, which means more time at home, more money due to less gas, better pay and way smaller class-sizes to teach.
I'm sleep-deprived, because Austin seems to think that 4am is the perfect time to wake up and play.
Being Mommy is now my full-time job, and while I was teaching my mom or mother-in-law had this job, I came home and did most of the evening care. Now, Austin is my 9-5 (or more like 4-4) and I'm still doing a lot of the evening care to make it 4am-7pm. My husband helps, but usually only when I ask him.
My husband and I are basically just in "survival mode" dealing with the lack of sleep and stress of the baby that we're not taking as much time with ourselves or each other. More angry words are being said (many, many by me, but I'm really having a tough time controlling myself) and I feel bad about it.
I look at how long it took me to get in shape from where I started to where I was before I got pregnant....and it took a LONG time. It's been almost 7 months since I've had baby and my doctor, mom and sister (and other friends) said, "It took you 9 months to put the weight on, so expect to take 9 months for it to come off." Right, so is 27 pounds in 2 months even doable? Not to mention that I've only lost about 3 since I plateaued about 5 months ago.
I keep telling myself--the only thing that I can control in my life is me and how I react to things. I'm trying to look on the positive side of things and throw this dark cloud of disappointment and doubt away. I have people in my life that don't have all of those blessings that I listed above. I have people in my life that have struggles I couldn't even imagine, like my sister who has a husband who is terminally ill, won't get better and they have an almost 5 year-old.
I keep wondering if this is normal or hormonal issues dealing with the pregnancy and stopping breastfeeding. Is this post-partum/baby blues? I love being a mom, but I miss being able to do what I want to when I want to. That sounds so silly and immature admitting that, but the reason is well worth the loss of freedom.
So now that this is all out there, I'm going to try to work on the things I can change and let go of the things that I can't change. Yes, my body isn't the same as it was before (not that it was fabulous) but I created with my husband an amazing, beautiful baby boy. No I don't have the freedom any more (I said good-bye to roller derby) but it makes that "me" time more precious. No, I'm not in good shape right now, but I'm not sitting on my butt eating away my feelings. No, the scale hasn't moved a whole lot yet, but it has moved and every step I take to getting healthier will in turn help me lose weight. No, my husband isn't a mind-reader, but I do have a voice and can ask for help. No, I wasn't selected for that job or contest, but there's a reason out there for that, which may take me awhile to find, but maybe whoever did get picked needed it more then I did.
No, I don't like feeling this way...but I'm not going to any more. I'm turning my frown upside-down.