Thursday, June 21, 2012
I just don't know what to do.
February 4th I decided to give up on everything I wanted in life: to lose weight, to get married, to get published. Though I write anyway because it's the only thing that gives me genuine joy, even though there's no hope for success.
But here am I again being stupid and wanting to try again because I'm worried I'm going to drop dead of a heart attack at 35 (even though that's not common in my family). Diabetes, however, does run in the family and for some reason that's the last thing I think about it because I'm too busy being worrying about heart and my blood pressure which is 130/80 and I think it's too high even though people assure me it's fine. I bought a glucose monitor to test my blood sugar but I haven't used it yet.
I have no hope for anything anymore and I don't even care that I don't care anymore. Some people look at me and say "you're just 28, you have time." Not really. I found out Monday I weigh 322.2 pounds (confirmed by a weigh-in this morning because I didn't believe it.) Now I actually miss the days I weighed 284. At least then I could get my seat belt buckled on a plane. Barely but at least it buckled.
I haven't weighed myself since March. I weighed 318 and I just knew it wasn't possible that I've gained 56 pounds 5 months having changed nothing except coming off a starvation diet. (And 20 of those pounds-all I lost on the starvation diet-came back within 3 weeks-I'm so not joking.)
So in the last five years this is what's happened:
Got up to 305 after holding at 284 for years, freaked out, started exercising
Overexercised, lost 30 pounds in 6 months, stalled for 2 months, freaked out, gained 4o pounds.
Paddled around for a year losing and gaining 10-20 pounds, suffered with a food allergies, gave up for a while.
Decided to try again @ 315, new highest weight ever, freaked out, took it slower this time, lost 33 pounds in 6 months counting calories 5 days a week and exercising @ a reasonable pace for a reasonable amount of time 4-5 days a week.
Stalled for 3 months (even though I changed nothing but exercise intensity), freaked out starved myself for 6 weeks.
Weighed in January of this year @ 308, decided that was wrong, ignored the scale, continue to exercise. Weighed in March @ 318, decided that was also wrong, but freaked out anyway, ate crap (and crap for me is fast food, places I haven't been in a long time - Taco Bell, Dairy Queen, and more frequent trips to Sonic which I would eat at once a month or less, at a medium sized bag of Doritos for the first time in 7 years which made me sick).
Got a hold of myself in April, Jumped on the Spark wagon, gave up sugar and replaced it with fruit and organic no-added sugar apple juice I turned into popsicles and ice cubes eating about 8oz a day in place of cookies and ice cream.
Weighed in this week @ 322.2 after a 3 day business trip to Las Vegas where I had plenty of water, little food, little fun, and lots of walking around.
My body is damaged. I can't afford to go to the doctor even if I was going to go. And I don't know how to fix it. I can't count calories anymore. I'm ocd (in the actual way) and counting calories drives me crazy and stresses me out, and when I do it I feel hungry all the time even if I'm eating the same food I eat when I'm not counting. And I realized, the things that were pushing me over my limit were potato chips and cookies. If I had just one serving of each, even everyday, I would just about never go over my "allotted" calories according to My Fitness Pal and Sparkpeople.
So I ask...if anyone is listening...why bother?
Can anyone give me a reason to continue to try this pointless endeavor? Why not just let myself die and be done with it?
Honestly, I have nothing worthwhile in my life, no social life to miss out on, and frankly, no one in my family really needs me around, I don't add anything to anyone's life because their lives are filled to the brim already with things they love. I'm easily replaceable at work. My cat likes me. But he likes my mom just as much.
So, really, why did I sign up for this site? Did I actually think I would make friends if I tried? I know in my heart anyone I connect with will leave me for something better, just like everyone else I've befriended has. And by everyone else, I literally mean, everyone I have ever been friends with, including my sister. It's not me being paranoid. It's me looking at the truth.
Why do I even bother anymore? You think I'm old enough that I would know better by now.