Long distance relationships
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I thought it was the lack of coffee yesterday. I get like that once in awhile. A little blue, a little out of sorts. Nothing major, nothing bad...just "off" ya know?
I was like that the last few days wandering around lost in my own thoughts and I tell my Kate "you know what bugs me? When you give 90% and text and Facebook and call and the moment you stop, no one ever acknowledges your existence." She agreed and we talked about how by moving here we seemed to have lost our inner circle status.
See, for a bit when we lived in Washington, we had what so many people dreamed of. I had people coming and going at my house at all hours like they were family, because they WERE. My friends knew more about my kids then my my own relatives. People would come through the door "honey I'm home" and I'd offer them a drink...coffee brewing, conversations flowing, and cards every Friday no matter what. It was what you saw on sitcoms and wished for. We had it.
Because times change, Zach moved to Southern Cali, Travis moved home to San Antonio, then Kim met her superman :o) and moved to the East Coast, then Daniel followed his brother and soon after we moved to California before Bonnie hit Spokane. I joke with them sometimes how the universe just couldn't handle all of us in one state and moved us across the nation.
And although I have family in California, it's not the same. They are all over an hour away and frankly, hubby's not into "visiting" family. Especially in Stockton (it IS scary, but I figure it's mostly my family so it's okay LOL **I have over 108 cousins alone**)
So, anyway....I was kind of upset because one of my friends never responds anymore unless I text her repeatedly or she's bored or something, I don't know. Always "too busy" with the boyfriend and ... well, how can people just be too busy to take 30 seconds out of their day? How? I try and take the time to say "hello" on Spark and I don't even KNOW you !! LOL so, we were talking how if I left Facebook and I quit texting.....how many would reply back? and most importantly, what did I do to piss all these people off? What was WRONG with me??
About that time I received a text
"...Had a potluck today...I had small amounts of food and was stuffed...."
I didn't say I was looking for anything mushy, silly! LOL but it was a voice, a voice reaching out to ME when I needed it the most. And she didn't even know it.
I told her, "you made my day and didn't even know it" You know why? Because. Because she took 10 seconds of her whole day to tell me about hers. To say "hey, I haven't forgotten you even though we are 100s of miles apart" She responded later that night with her Dad's death....then I felt stupid. Because all this time I had been waiting for words, and now I couldn't be there with HER. To share in her grief.
I people watch at the malls and at various places I am at and I wonder. How is it that we can all share the same planet and none of us dare to look at each other in the eyes? Is it the fears of the few creepers that keep us from establishing new villages of friendships?
Everyday I look on my Spark and I wonder about all of you. I read your blogs and mark your comments. I wonder if you are as lonely as I can be or if there is a support system around you. I live vicariously though all of you. It's so strange that we live in a world of social networking and yet, we can all feel so alone.
I think of my friend and wish I could be with her again. I wish I could lend a shoulder from across the 48 states and let her know, not just through text, how much I love and miss her. I wish her husband, her, my husband and I could be sitting around playing cards while the girls are off doing their own social networking. We would laugh real loud about the Seahawks and plan our gym trip for the next morning....maybe the boys would discuss golf.
If you have a friend out there.....take a minute right now and let them know. Take ten freaking seconds a day and say "hey, I'm thinking of you" It could mean the world to them.
I know it did me.
And yes, as of date....she is still the only one who has managed an acknowledgement.
I love her so much for that.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Amazing how different we are but yet really really alike. We all just want to feel loved. I feel like I'm in "confessional" and I'm not even Catholic. But I do have an email group of deaf friends scattered across the country that met because of common spiritual beliefs... and so in email with that group, I feel much closer to them than I do my own family. With my parents divorced now and both are in their 70's and neither are doing as well alone as they were together, it's tough to stay up with them - and we're all in different states. My dad's way out in south west Texas, one sibling is in Houston, one is just outside Atlanta, GA and my youngest sibling is in the Washington DC metro My own mom lives about 30 minutes drive away....shares a duplex with my step-brother & his family.
I'm the only deaf one in my family... and now that we all have various text programs, it's still rare that any of my siblings will text me or email me or facebook me... I even have unlimited long distance landline plan (it's an old plan we got back when my husband still had 3 or 4 hour conversations with his mother, before she eventually moved up here and then died 5 years later, and that's been a year ago - we can't really get a better plan like that any more for landline phones, as everyone is going to cell phones.) But when I call them, conversations drag on because I'm having them have to repeat so much to catch what I didn't hear correctly.. and it's frustrating and then I feel like a dork, but a lonely dork. On the other hand, texting them is usually an inconvenient time for them so I rarely hear back. I'm generally always the one who is reaching out.....and then they have the nerve to say "well don't be a stranger" like I don't reach out enough?? and where is it written that they can't reach out first on occasion?
So yea... I can hear you in the heart...
1787 days ago
This blog made me cry. I know I don't tell the people I love that fact often enough. I think of my family and friends often, but do I tell them? No, of course not. Usual excuses, too busy, etc. Thanks for slapping me in the face this morning. I am going to try to send those few words to all my friends and family, one day at a time, little by little and reconnect to those who are important to me. Good relationships don't just happen, you have to work at them. Thank you for reminding me of that.
1837 days ago
Thanks for sharing. I feel the same way a lot of times. I moved out of Akron and Columbus and out to the sticks, and I have lost contact with so many people. When I was in college at OSU I felt like I had tons of friends, and in reality, I had only a few good ones from back in grade school! The people that matter are those who don't drift out of your life when you are no longer "convenient."
1850 days ago
Your blog made me think about my best friend. Oh how I wish she was only a text or phone call away. Ovarian cancer took her back in '04. I miss her more than words can say. I miss all of the togetherness I used to have with family and friends-- especially as a kid, with my grandparents, parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Even as a child, I knew how blessed I was. But I have come to accept that time moves on and many of those people and relationships moved on with it. So I have learned to take life as it is given to me, and cherish those who share it with me. You fellow sparkers mean so much!
1854 days ago
This was such a great blog. Thanks for the reminder to reach out! You are not the only one who feels that way at times too!!
1857 days ago
It was a good blog -- and thank the Lord other people feel this way too. I thought it might be just me! I have my BFF who lives in San Diego and I'm here in Arizona. It irks me at times to realize that I am the one who seems to do all the reaching out. And it makes me sad to see that she is beginning to withdraw into herself more and more. Half the time now she won't even get on the computer, so our daily notes to one another are over and done with. At one point I didn't phone her -- just to see if I would ever hear from her, and yes -- she finally did phone to see if all was OK. It made me feel guilty, but I still feel sad that she's letting herself just give up on life -- and especially since she's only 1 year older than me.
The other long distance person I really care about is my sister -- she lives in Washington. While she has 5 daughters who she fills her time with -- I can't help but wonder why she never phones ME -- I'm her only living sibling! I'm trying the same treatment to her as I did to my girlfriend in San Diego -- but so far no phone call. We both have free long distance calling. Am I being stupid about this? I asked her point blank one time if she was experiencing beginning stages of Alzheimer's. She said "NO, of course not -- why do you ask?" And I told her I thought she didn't remember that she has a sister. Didn't seem to shake her up -- if it had been the other way around, it would have shook ME up.
1857 days ago
This is an excellent reminder. The way we communicate these days kind of seems to have trivialized how important contact is. So a blog like this is an awesome wake-up!
1857 days ago
Thanks for the reminder. I'm going to do some reaching out this weekend! Take care!
1857 days ago
The one long-distance relationship I have experience keeping up isn't balanced in terms of contact. When there is contact, it's almost overwhelming how much. When there isn't, it goes dead quiet.
I find that kind of cycle happens in a lot of places. For example, there's a forum I'm an active poster on. Some days / weeks it feels like I'm actively talking to a whole bunch of people. Other days / weeks it feels like I post something and no one even acknowledges my existence - someone replies to an earlier post, everyone else continues as if I'd said nothing.
Of course, I'm an oddball in not really being a social person. I recharge on quiet time and honestly could live like a hermit the vast majority of the time and not miss the interaction. It's not always obvious online, but it's very easy when I want to shut myself away to do so. In 43 years I have had two people I called best friends - one that I walked away from without a second though when he put drugs first, the other whom I have never met in person.
Only on rare occasions do I get a sudden craving for a closer relationship with someone more than my kids and siblings (even those relationships are "loose" for lack of a better word - we're close, but not in constant contact.) Those are the moments I am most likely to notice the cycle being in a withdrawal stage where it can feel like everyone is actively ignoring me. Never a comfortable day or two, but it always passes - both my neediness and the cycle moving back toward connection.
1857 days ago
I have to say thank you because I feel this was a gift from the universe for me today. Knowing that someone else is going thru some of the same stuff somehow makes me feel less alone. Spark People are probably the only ones who would notice if I dropped off the face of the earth.
I had a neighborhood of friends that I left behind when my husband was offered a transfer. We were in the new city for about a year when he started an affair and although those old friends were very supportive as my marriage ended, and I made some friends here, time has moved on and it seems everyone has moved on without me! My kids have grown up and left the nest, I've had a couple of relationships that haven't led to a commitment and well, I'm lonely.
But, I am going to get off the computer and phone my best friend, who I love and miss, and see seldom because she is hundreds of miles away.
Tks for sharing; we are all in this together.
1858 days ago
Oh my, you just made me cry again....but it was good tears for once today. Remember how you used to call me because you were feeling "funny" and 99% of the time it was me having problems with the X or once I moved here it was because I was missing you all.....I have the same moments. I have these feelings like "Oh my god I have to tell Cori this" and so I do.
I sent you that text before I knew about Dad...I sent you it because I knew YOU would understand what it was like to be faced with all the different foods and actually behave yourself. I love you SO much and I totally understand what you are feeling and because I know you understand it to it just gives us that much more of a bond.
I can feel your love through the 3000 miles that are parting us and I can feel your hugs. I miss you dearly and wish and pray that some day we all can be together again. I still say you are right and we all were just too hot to handle all in the same place. LOL
1858 days ago
You and I think along the same lines on this topic. Sometimes I feel like the friend who is taken advantage of but then I remind myself that I'm actually the friend who people look to when things are hard for them and there's a reason they do that.
I appreciate you, and I appreciate all the apperances you make on my page. =)
1858 days ago
I think another thing, for me anyway, has been that since I gained a bunch of weight I don't like going out anymore to meet up with my friends. I'm afraid I'll run into an old boyfriend or really anyone that hasn't seen me since I've gotten fat and they'll judge me. I live to far out in the sticks to have the 'just drop in anytime' kind of friends, so I guess I'll just have to either lose weight or get over being a hermit. lol
1858 days ago
1858 days ago
I do have a friend out there, my best friend, in fact, that I haven't touched base with for a while, so I'm going to take that minute to give her a call and see how she is doing. Everybody's just so busy all the time and the days seem to pass by like a flash. Before you know it, you've lost touch with someone you really care about.
I hope you'll make a new set of friends where you live now so that you don't feel so lonely. I've been through a major uprooting, and while it takes a while to establish a new circle of friends, it will happen.
1858 days ago
Hey, girl, thanks for the reminder... I know what it's like - I gotta keep up with my friends because I Don't have much family. I think this 'social networking' is Way overrated - nothing like getting together! (but if you can't, yup, a note sure is nice).
1858 days ago
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