Wednesday, June 20, 2012
This is going to be a hot mess and for that I'm sorry. I just need an outlet for everything. I've been in a really negative head space for the past week. I'm trying really hard to get out of it but I just can't shake it no matter what I do.
As much as I run I feel like I should be getting better but to me I feel like I'm getting worse. I'm trying not to compare myself to everyone else and just keep with me. But I feel so slow and pathetic. Everyone is running 5:1 or 7:1's now and it's all I can do to run a 2:1...But that's what I have to do and I'm doing it. It just sucks to see everyone out there so far ahead of me and I'm always the one dragging in either last or right close to it. Yes I know I'm doing it and I am finishing and that's something huge, and my teammates are wonderful and encouraging and NEVER makes me feel like the looser I feel like. It's an internal battle.
Then this week I haven't ran at all...I'm having HUGE issues with my boys. My 2 oldest have severe ADHD and my oldest has sensory issues on top of that. This week he's hurt his baby brother really bad, and I was one thread breaking from loosing it. Then on Saturday my Youngest was climbing on the sink to get a drink slipped and hit his jaw on the counter and put his " i " teeth through is tongue and had to go to the er to see if it needed stitched. He was 1mm from needing them. So he's on antibiotics and soft cold foods this week until it heals, which means that big brothers scream and tantrum because it's not fair that Brenny get's "good food"
And now my husband is giving me a hard time about my running schedule with TNT and babysitting. It just feels like everything is piling up against me.
The other thing I'm having a problem with is I have a Scouting Friend who asked me 2 months ago if I would do them a huge favor and help at her camp. She's not going to be able to be there and she's the program director and they need someone who has their camp card. She offered me to stay at her house for the week so I wouldn't have to drive back and forth. Well I was talking to her last night and the house offer has been resended her husband isn't comfortable with it. Honestly I can understand that but still this would have been nice to know a week or two ago. So they said it would prob be best if I got a hotel for the week. I CAN NOT AFFORD THAT!!!! Seriously! So then I ask her how far the camp is and she's like about an hour from me...and that's with NO traffic and I'll be making the drive during commute time...so I'm looking at at least 10 hours of driving this week...That's an extra 500 miles at least I'll have to drive...not including gas or bridge toll I'd have to pay. Bridge toll alone is going to be $25 for the week. So now it went from being Staying at her house for the week and only having to pay bridge toll 1 time and going from her place to the camp which is close...to a 100+ mile a day + gas+ bridge toll x 5 days to do a favor for someone. I Can't afford to do this! And I feel awful because I have to call her today and let her know 5 day's before her camp starts that I can't possibly help her. I feel like I'm letting her down but I can't afford a $200 or more week. Were struggling to make it as it is.
I just can't take all the negative in my life right now and I'm trying so hard to look at the positive in everything but right now I'm not finding it.