Wednesday, June 20, 2012
When people notice my weight loss, it throws me for a loop. I am my worst saboteur and in the past I would jump at the chance to overeat 'cuz, " I look so much thinner. " My scale was more like a trampoline, with me gaining and losing the same 15-20 pounds, year after year. That, later on, became a new topic of toxic friends, and toxic thinking. (sp articles) . Losing weight is not an excuse to over eat. losing weight is not an all year pass to eat everything my eyes could see and my hands could reach. I found the help through the blogs and reading the articles from Sparks. Loosing weight is not celebrated with a Costco cake, but with new clothes or shoes. It took me quite a while to grasp the concept, and I have the smaller clothes hanging in my closet- hardly worn more than a few times before I became too big for them. This time 'round, I don't even need to buy clothes- I have a closet full. Things needed to change inside, more than I needed to get thin. Loosing weight had to go, and getting rid of fat had to be the new goal. Another new thought to help with making new habits.
The mirror envy and tracking were more of a disappointment than being fat, on some days. I knew how to do fat, I was struggling with tracking and not seeing huge results in the mirror. I wanted instant success, so I could look thin and still eat Chinese Buffet like Free Willie. That is how I learned about my addictive mind, (another blogger's term). I needed to make MY Healthy inner voice louder than my old addictive mind. (Another tip from sp). I now treat a buffet like an open menu. I can order one meal, same as if I were telling a waiter what to put on the plate from a paper menu. Drives my husband NUTS, as I will no longer eat to get my money's worth. We have, since, given up buffets as I am not willing to eat for both of us. Yeah, I freed Willie. Now here is Sherry, a small woman burning off fat. I still am fat, and I still have rolls showing in the mirror, so I get loopy when people notice the loss. I am thinner, yes. I am not thin. I will never be "thin". My goal is to be "healthy". Healthy is not a place, time, or weight. healthy is clean living, healthy choices, and healthy liver, kidneys, and pancreas. Healthy is low insulin levels and low blood pressure. Another new thought in making new habits.
My goal may be far, but look how far I've come. When I get sidelined and off track I gain back all of the fat, and more! Oh... I need to track every day for my health, AND because I need to see the numbers to keep on track. Tracking is part of my accountability to ME. I was so ashamed of how fat I made myself that I hated myself. Now, when someone notices my weight loss, I feel that shame. The shame of mistreating my body, trashing my health, warping my figure, and losing control of my appetite. The lies I sold myself- You don't look so fat... You can have one bite...you deserve this sweet... you can diet tomorrow... this is too good to pass up.... eat fast before it is all gone... lies. The broken promises of - next year you can get into a sexy bathing suit... tomorrow will be the start of a better eating plan... these pants are getting tight, so time to cut back on the crap... broken promises hanging in my closet of where I used to be or wanted to fit in. I no longer lie and shame myself. New inner voices and ideas. New pride and faith in myself.
I won't think of the future, I will just choose for today. The future I am thinking about will be so much better than I can see, as I will be a new person with better eating habits and healthier inner voices and internal support. What I do today, becomes the old habit of tomorrow. I can never go back, just like I will never be age seven. I must move forward. I can not recapture the thin of last year, or the year before, or before... I must be better today. I will not set a date or a weight, or an end. I must eat every day to stay healthy. I am a new mind, and a new person. I get crazy when there is a stop date. Is that the date I no longer will be healthy, and will start a fat lifestyle? So, no stop date. Tracking forever? How long is forever? I just will track for today. It isn't that hard, and I can reach my feet and tie my shoes without needing to undo my pants when I track. So, the choice is tracking or getting naked. I'll track. When things used to fall on the floor, I used to have a HARD time bending over to pick them up. I even grunted. So, the choice is tracking or grunting? I'll track. What do I need to give up to find time to track? I quit eating compulsively in front of the TV. My addictive mind misses the habit, my body loves the mobility of less fat. I added inner voices to drown out the addictive mind. Just as one needs to change inner voices to become an ex-smoker, so I had to change my inner voices to become an ex-fatty. I would rather people called me a b%*ch rather than fatty. How funny was that? Obviously, my addictive mind was very touchy and powerful. I decided to get rid of that mind set and start a new one. This is my new mental work in progress. New mind, new thoughts, new body.
Practice is the key. I have had eons of time listening and following the old habits and ideas. I will now give myself the same amount of time to develop the new habits and ideas necessary for a healthy me. I will no longer be a slave to crappy food, sugars, and sweets. I will be free and clean.