Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Yesterday I blogged about how jealous I became when I saw that my sister was successful with her weight loss, and how I felt that Dad didn't love me as much as he loved my sister.
I saw my counselor today and we discussed all of this; my dad's obvious issue with weight, and how I react with emotional eating. Since my appointment, I've given it quite a lot of thought. And by George, I think I'm starting to get it!
After my appointment, I stopped to get some dinner. I went to a Wendy's/Tim Hortons combo place. While I was there, I jotted down some notes while everything was still fresh in my head. And while I was mulling all of this over (stuff from the appointment), it hit me. It's like that song, "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places." I have been looking for love and acceptance in chocolates and other sweets! I've been trying to substitute the love and acceptance I wasn't getting (from Dad, mostly) with the momentary pleasure of chocolate. But once the chocolate is consumed, the feeling ends, so I typically keep on eating and eating and eating. All I have really and truly wanted was to be loved. But now I know that I won't ever find love and acceptance from a cookie or a candy bar. I don't know why I ever looked there in the first place!
So I ate my sandwich at Wendy's. When I was finished, I glanced over at the Tim Hortons part of the place. I realized right then and there that I didn't feel like I absolutely, positively HAD to have a cookie, like I usually would have thought. However, just as an experiment (all in the name of behavioral science, you know!) I did buy a cookie. But this time when I ate it, no fireworks went off in my head. No big surprise there.
I'm starting to think that (for now, at least), just as I won't find love and acceptance from a chocolate chip cookie, I'm not going to expect to get it from Dad, either. I think I'm going to need to get it from other sources, but mostly from within. (I'm sure I'll get to that point someday.)