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    GOLOPTIOUS   22,883
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Great. I've Already Had To Confess To Yoda and It's Barely Tuesday

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

SPOILER ALERT

I cheated on my diet yesterday.

It started as a normal day. I ate my breakfast. I went to work. I ate my snack. I had a fairly healthy lunch. I ate my afternoon snack.

Then I went to the gym.

Even with my friend visiting from Utah this past weekend, I stayed pretty close to my macronutrient numbers. I didn't overdo anything. I said no to chips and ice cream.

I gained a pound.

Yoda was there. Of course we were texted back and forth as I was on the treadmill.

(Note: When I text on the treadmill, I slow to a walk. I don't have the Jedi power of Run-Texting yet. When I say I'm running on the treadmill and then I text, I really mean that I WAS running but that I slowed to 3.0 in order to text and, you know, breathe for a minute!)

When I asked if he was at the gym, he replied that he was and that he was down in the free weights area.

"Yeah. I'm not coming to Meathead Central, so come see me before you leave." I wanted to talk to him about my frustrations with my diet and that my knees and hip-joints (is that what they are called? It doesn't sound right......the joints at the top of my legs) were aching when I run, and when I stop running they actually kind of hurt. But mostly I was frustrated with the lack of weight loss and wondering if I need to change my caloric intake.

And directly after that, I asked him what he wanted my heart rate to be at when I did cardio this week. He responded that he wanted me to be in Zone 2. (That's at about 155 for me.) He also said that this week he wanted my cardio to be at least six miles total not including the two miles I run on weight days.

Several minutes later, he walked by with the person he was training, giving me a little tap with his clipboard on his way by.

I kept running. I figured that if I want to go to Zumba, that only gives me two cardio days to get six miles in. I had to hit 3 miles before I could go home.

I finally finished and looked around. Yoda was nowhere to be seen. I texted him. He had already left. I was kind of upset until he told me that he hadn't gotten the text that asked him to come find me.

Then I was still upset but not at him. I still went off about how I did well this week and I still gained weight and how I feel stuck and frustrated and like it doesn't matter what I do, I'm still going to hang on to this weight.

And he said that if my calories are where they need to be then I will lose weight and to stop worrying because stress won't help.

Somehow that made me even more angry. I hit the McDonalds drive-thru. I told myself that this wouldn't help me get to my goals. But InnerFatGirl said that following my diet wasn't helping either. I was weak and easily convinced. I ate chicken nuggets with ranch dressing as a dip, a double cheeseburger, an apple pie, fries, and a large diet dr pepper. (I like the taste of diet dr pepper better than regular.)

I don't feel guilty.

But I didn't enjoy it as much as I used to. In fact, it made me feel kind of sick. And super-full. Before I could have eaten that and more.

I'm still frustrated.

I texted Yoda this morning. That made me feel guilty. He said that obviously it wasn't worth it and then asked me for a list of what I ate.

I listed the crap food I ate and then said I felt like I suck at this.

"LOL, ya that is all crap....U don't suck, people who eat that sh*t every day suck"

Then he said to stop being lame and giving up on myself. And that I only suck if I let it beat me.

He's right, but so am I. The more time it takes me to lose weight, the more frustrated I get. The more frustrated I get, the easier it is to go back to the way I was.

Oh crap. He just texted again.

"So since you ate McDonald's, here are your options: clean gutters for 2 hours, or paint for three hours, or run at 8mph for an hour"

Ummmm.....no, no, and that's completely impossible for me right now.

Then he said that he was just putting it into perspective for me. Right now we're figuring out what my "punishment" is. He wasn't actually going to give me one, but I'm insisting. Next time I want to eat crappy food, I want to remember that I had to work extra hard that week. Maybe that will help me when I'm feeling lost again.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

02SERENE 6/19/2012 5:45PM

    You mentioned that you were "angry" that you hadn't lost any weight, and that you gained a lb. What would happen if you let yourself feel angry and frustrated, without eating anything? I have eaten when I have conflicted feelings and with me its all tied up with eating, not eating and body image too.

I am sorry that the "end goal" is not fast enough.

What else could you do different next time? I'm looking for ideas because I the more I am learning about myself, the more I see I need the extra encouragement and support.

You did great on the weekend. And that was a sneaky let down! You can get it together with kindness to yourself too. emoticon

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AUTUMNBRZ 6/19/2012 5:33PM

    Big Hugs!

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PIPPAMOUSE 6/19/2012 3:54PM

    Another sparkfriend and I actually came up with a collage of pictures that remind us of how we feel when we over indulge or eat crap. It is pretty disgusting pics from the internet all put together. Maybe a picture you keep handy would help? Looking at it does make a bit sick feeling, so it must be pretty good. emoticon

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SHUFFMAN126 6/19/2012 2:44PM

    Remember my donut story? Think of how sick you felt after eating the McDonald's, and come up with a gross analogy for it. You're an awesome writer, so you can do that. And then when you think about drive thru, you can just remember that "Eating McDonald's makes me feel like ____________" My suggestions would be, "like grease worms are breeding in my belly" or "like a Firefly class spaceship with a cargo of cattle"

Yoda's right of course, don't beat yourself up about it, just work harder!

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KKINNEA 6/19/2012 1:53PM

    I think you need something uplifting (non-food related) rather than punishment so you remember how eating well and working to be fit feel better than fast food!

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