Tuesday, June 19, 2012
I don't understand why it is so easy to get discouraged or upset with myself. I watch other people do it and recognize the ridiculousness, but I can't recognize it in myself. My mother in law has been working on losing weight in the worst ways for the last two years. She has limited her eating so much that is borders on unhealthy. she beats herself up if she has any type of slip up and even though she has lost what she wanted to and more she can't let go. She can't look in the mirror and be happy. If I had the guts I would say enough is enough! Losing weight isn't going to make you happy!! Losing weight can't change who you are or your circumstances in life! Let go!!
Why can't I say that to myself? When I stopped weighing myself 40 pounds down I realized that I was obsessing with a number to compensate for other areas in my life. So I've been trying to measure successes in a different way. Did I eat well for the whole week? Did I only have one cookie instead of five? Did I manage to make a batch of mini pies and really only eat a half and give the rest away? Did I really do 600 crunches last week when just a few weeks ago I could barely get 6 out in a row? Are my pants fitting more losely? Do I not cringe whenever I see myself naked? Those are BIG accomplishments.
So how come when I ordered sweat pants from Victoria Secret in the same size that I ordered last time and waited for a week in anticipation of did I spend the rest of the night beating myself up when they didn't fit? It clearly wasn't me. When I put the New Medium pants against the older mediums pants I bought last time there is about an inch and a half difference in the waist and about two inch difference in the thigh. That is not my fault. Those pants though marketed as being the exact same sizes are clearly different sizes and while one fits really losely that doesn't mean that a different style is going to fit me in the same way or fit at all. That doesn't mean that I have messed up in some way. It doesn't change that the sweat pants I've been wearing for the last four years that used to be busting at the seams now fit losely on me. Isn't that better evidence than a pair of pants I've had out of the bag for five minutes?
How is it that we can see the evidence of our changes and our strengths and the hurdles we've overcome, but manage to feel so defeated because of a size??? How come it is so hard to build ourselves up and so easy to tear ourselves down? How is it that a confident woman who has everything to be proud of: a degree, a great marriage, a good job, a house, independence, self sufficience, talent to boot can be deflated in about ten seconds by a pair of pants that doesn't fit? What is the fix to that?
Well my first fix was to go to bed. I was obviously over tired to begin with and this was not helping. The second fix is to tell myself again that size does not matter. I know that. That is why I am trying to be healthier and more fit not trying to fit into a size or mold. A number does not define who I am. The third thing is to wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and smile and say you look good kid. Because I can't let myself be defeated by the small things. I can't let something ridiculous rule over me. I can't let my happiness be defined or defeated by a pair of pants.