Tuesday, June 19, 2012
It has been very hard for me to love myself, because I have been so fat, for so long, that I have hated and despised myself for allowing me to do this to myself. I am the blame for my weight gain. I am the blame for my overeating. It took a long time for me to acknowledge the hate and anger I had for myself. I would see myself in pictures, and then I would go back to dieting, until I started to look and feel better- then BAMM! Back on with the fat and out of control eating. When I started Sparks People last may, I was so tired of dieting and eating and gaining. I was ready to learn new habits, and logging my food and reading the blogs became the help I needed to go from 209 to 181 by Christmas. After the holidays, I started a war with myself. I wanted to enjoy my fat loss, and I wanted to enjoy my old eating habits. It was a battle fought at every meal... healthy or lardy. The lardy was winning as I gradually gained back 15 pounds, and was looking at my 'progress' for the year of sparking. Then, a change happened. I read some blogs and I saw where I was headed once again, and THIS time, I was not willing to rest on my laurels and gain back all of the weight it took six months to lose. I got educated. I set up my spark meal plans with the amounts I was going to meet and not exceed. If I could gain it back so fast, by golly, I was going to go full steam ahead and burn it off, and work all of the advice I had been reading. I took away my hard won 15 lb. weight loss trophy. I had to re-earn that trophy by first getting rid of the fat I had eaten back on to my body. I started getting mean and ugly with my addiction. No more cute words of slow and steady, or two steps forward one step back is still one step forward. I was no longer willing to be a loser. I wanted to be a winner. I changed my vocabulary into a healthy dialogue with my goals and my vision. My goal- get rid of the fat. My vision, to be healthy in my weight and my eating habits. To lose something sounds like carelessness or disorganization, so I had to burn fat, not lose it. Healthy dialogue was simple. Eat what is good, refuse the crap. NO MORE EXCUSES. I was the blame, now I had to be the solution. If I go somewhere, and there are few healthy choices, I still choose healthy, knowing that I can always go home later and eat what I need. No excuses. The markets are always open late. It is so easy to stop in the market and buy an apple, banana, cucumber, tomato.... and eat good food. No longer do I do crap. Fast food can be found everywhere. The gas stations sell bananas and apples right next to the door. What is faster than that? When I was calling myself fat, my daughter got upset and said, "we don't use that word in our house." I told her, "Bummer, 'cuz I am no longer going to be the fat girl, and I will no longer lie to myself. Best keep away from me until I no longer consider myself fat." Fat is an ugly word. Being called fatty is hurtful. Fat on my body is ugly, and being fatty makes my feet and back hurt. When I finally got brutal and told myself that I was fat, not heavy... that is when I started loving myself. When I saw how unhappy I was trying to hide the fat from my mirror- it was so sad and pathetic. The truth hurt, but it was necessary for my success. When I found the team "no Longer Going to be the fat Girl", I was over the moon. YES! Here was my truth. I am fat, today; but not forever. For today, and today, and today I will no longer be the fat girl, sister, friend, co-worker, or person. I read the blogs about toxic people and those who needed us to be the fat one and I took it to heart. I started seeing my support people in a new way, and started changing my image from the victim to the aggressor. My friends don't want to eat crap with me. If they need to eat crap, then we need to meet up later, or stop being friends. I can't afford to waste today with set backs and weight gains. I won back my trophy of 15 lost, and I am burning down the scale as I enjoy my new life and my new look. Sugar is not my friend. Addiction to crap is not enjoyable. They cause disease. I have many more pounds to burn, but I want, and deserve, a better life. It all begins with me. New habits are hard. Being fat is hard. Choose your hard.