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A Life Changing Day in the Life of a Done Girl :)

Monday, June 18, 2012

Hey Sparkers!
Buckle your seats-- this is going to be a long, LONG blog. If you make it through to the end I thank you so much for caring!
It has been 11 days since my last blog but it feels like it has been weeks! The past week has been amazing for me. I asked my niece to come to Spark People and she lost 7 pounds in her first week! WAY TO GO TOWNIE_LAINE!

I have told some of you before that I don't have many friends. Since moving away from the Dallas area over a decade ago I left many friends behind and I have not made one new friend since I moved! No friends in over a decade. No lie. My niece Townie is actually my best friend :) How is it possible that a 19 year old is my best friend? I will tell you how because she is awesome.. and because I am a 19 year old trapped in a 32 year old body.

Another reason I haven't made any friends is because I shut myself off from the world. MESAMA wrote a blog a while back about the difference between selling yourself to people and sharing yourself with people. Years ago I was guilty of selling myself. I would work so hard at relationships trying to get people to like me. I would go above and beyond.. and I never got anything in return. Now I am not saying that I am friends with people because I want them to give back to me. But it is nice to have a mutual friendship and to be able to rely on and receive support from someone. I always gave that but rarely got it back in return.
So in this past decade or so I have become hermit like. I avoided crowded places. I would drive 30 miles at 2 AM to Walmart to get my shopping done. I avoided restaurants, movie theaters, hair salons, barbecues, camping parties.. you name it - I AVOIDED IT. I had my few places that I felt comfortable going to- my sister's house, the library, and a local restaurant where I would ask to be seated in the corner so I could hide.

About a year ago I made a decision that I was not going to let my weight hold me back from living. I actually went to a salon and sat in my car for 15 minutes to work up the nerve to walk in to get my eyebrows waxed. I drove home crying the whole way because I was so happy that I actually let a stranger see me and touch my face. I didn't break the table that I had to lay on while I was being waxed. That is such a normal experience for some people.. they don't even think twice about it. But for me it was like being asked to walk-the-plank.
I began seeking help for my hypothyroidism and I slowly started to feel better-- I started coming out of my fog-- I stopped being a zombie.

In February I was going over my finances and trying to figure out how my husband and I were going to send our kids to college even if it was just community college to start. My kids are 9 and 10 right now. I had to get a plan going. I started researching the cost of the local college so that I could get a savings budget started for the kiddos. When all of the sudden a thought popped into my head. I thought, "It is great that you want to prepare the kids for success.. but why aren't you worried about your own future and success. The best way to make sure the kids get to college is to go back to college yourself!"

At first the thought TERRIFIED ME. Me? A hermit? An anti-social, paranoid, over-thinker go to college? Would I fit in the seats? Would I be able to climb the stairs? Would people make fun of me? Would I be too out of shape to get from one class to another?
I went to sleep and in the morning the first thought that popped into my head was "Love yourself as much as you love your children-- you are worth it and you deserve a life just like they do."
So when I saw my mother I mentioned it to her. To my surprise she was ecstatic. She urged me to go to the college right away and enroll. I couldn't believe it! I mentioned it to my husband when he came in from out of town and at first he didn't believe me but then he told me to go for it!

A few weeks later I got up the nerve to do something else that was a huge task for me. I have not let anyone touch my hair in years. I have only had my hair cut by someone else probably twice since I was 16. I have always cut my own hair. I remember being a size 16 and thinking I would break the hair stylists chair. So of course the larger I got my fears grew even larger. When I was a size 32 of course I wasn't going to go into a salon. I was a size 32 at my largest a few years ago I am now a 26/28. My hypothyroidism has caused me to lose a lot of my hair and that made me even more paranoid to have people touch my hair. Nevertheless.. two months ago I went and got my first professional haircut in well over a decade. And much like with the eye brow waxing I sat in the parking lot forever before working up the nerve to walk in.
So where am I going with all of this? In the past year or so I have been letting my fears go.
In the past year I also went to the movies for the first time in over a decade.. what was my fear there?? Not fitting in the seats.. having people stare at me. Same old junk. I finally decided in the past year that I am tired of living in fear. I deserve to be HAPPY!

In the past year I have also received the first manicure that I have had in over a decade... fear there? Not fitting in the seats.. having people stare at me.. being paranoid that the techs were talking about me in another language. I deserved a manicure and I got one!


So this leads us to my biggest moment of the year. As some of you may have read on my status update a few days ago .. I was going to a concert.

There has been one artist who has really touched my soul for the past year or so. His name is Matisyahu. Some of you may have noticed that I call God by his Hebrew name YHWH. In short I call him Yah. Rastafari peoples call him Jah. Some people pronounce his name Yahweh, Yahua, Jehovah, and more. He is the Yah that is in the term Hallelujah pronounced HalleluYah. Hallel means Praise. Yah is His name. So when you are saying Hallelujah you are saying Praise God or Praise Yah.

Matisyahu means Gift from Yah. In english it is Matthew.. meaning Gift from God.

I am not saying any of this to get into a religious debate.. only to explain what I am about to write about.

Well, like I was saying Matisyahu's music has really lifted my spirits and put my heart and mind in such a good place. I wanted to see him perform live so bad but never thought it would happen because I live in the boonies. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a few weeks ago that he was going to be performing at a Native American casino concert hall close to my home. One of my nieces even works there. I was in shock! I was thinking what on Earth is this amazing man doing coming here!

I could not believe it!!!

Of course at first the old me started winning all of the conversations in my head. You will not fit in the seats, you haven't been to a concert in over a decade, people will stare at you, you will have an anxiety attack, you will have to buy two seats so that you don't bump into people and have them want to vomit when they touch you.... these were some of the disgusting thoughts that were winning the battles in my brain.

But guess what???


The Universe.. My Creator.. My Most High.. My G_d.. My Yah was sending me a message and I was going to listen. I bought the tickets.. my niece TOWNIE_LAINE and I went to the concert and we lived!

I lived-- I danced-- I laughed-- I cried

I was given a gift. And just as his name suggests.. MatisYahu was truly a Gift from Yah to me.

I have also been given the gift of life.. and I am not going to waste it anymore.

GUESS WHAT ELSE??? His new album is titled SPARK SEEKERS!!! SPARK?!?!?!

THE UNIVERSE IS SO AWESOME-- I decided to live and listen and learn... and I have been placed on a path that shows me every few steps that I am on the right track!

If that isn't a message from the Universe I don't know what is!




A year ago I was a hermit. A year ago I was alone. A year ago I was depressed and sick. A year ago I was scared. A year ago I was going nowhere.






.............70 days until I go back to college! Oh and for those who have asked.. I am hoping to enter the Registered Nursing Program.

If you are curious about who Matisyahu is you can read more below.. if not thanks for reading my blog!!

Pictures from weekend at bottom!

*Matisyahu is a unique artist who sounds like a modern day Bob Marley. He is Jewish and has collaborated with many artists of all faiths. His music is about love, peace, hope, and humanity.

Here are the lyrics from one of my favorite Matisyahu songs:
(Matisyahu is Jewish-Akon is Muslim)
One Day (featuring Akon)
(One day, one day, one day)

(Akon, Matisyahu)

See everybody that's existin’
got a mind of their own
We’re all kings and queens
With a throne of our own

Tryin’a raise our families
In a healthy home
We gotta learn to stick together
Hate to be here alone

Cuz the world is a place
That will eat you alive in one day
Said the world is a place
That you can’t survive without faith

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waiting for
I been prayin' for
For the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day
One day, one day, one day, one day, one day

It's not about win or lose cause we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood-drenched pavement keep on moving
though the waters stay raging

And in this maze you can lose your way, (your way)
it might drive you crazy
but don't let it phase you no way (no way)

Gotta hold on, and life your life day by day
Gotta hold on, put your focus on that one day

All my life I been waiting for (waitin for)
I been prayin' for (praying for)
For the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more (fight no more)
They'll be no more wars (no more wars)
And our children will play, one day
One day, one day, one day, one day, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
one day we'll all be free and proud
to be under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like…

Gotta hold on,
Live your life day by day
Gotta hold on
Put your focus on that one day

All my life I been waiting for
I been prayin' for
For the people to say (ay ya ya ya yo)
That we don't want to fight no more (ay ya ya ya yo)
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day, one day, one day
One day, one day, one day
(one day, one day, one day)
If you made it this far thank you so much!!! I am so thankful for all of my Spark Friends-- you are also a gift to me :)
Here's to living!

Here is a picture of me and TOWNIE_LAINE before the concert :)

Here is a picture of me and another one of my nieces who works at the casino where the concert hall was :)



Be still and listen... you are being guided-- don't miss the messages!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LISAMG1220
    I just read this blog and it is wonderful and inspiring! Isn't it funny that fear can control your life? I let it control me for entirely too long!!!
    1982 days ago
    "Be still and listen... you are being guided-- don't miss the messages!"

    Your last statement is so true. There have been many times I have read a post from a fellow Sparker and it was exactly the message I needed to hear. This has been one of those times. Thank you for sharing your story in this post.
    1987 days ago
    This blog was emoticon and I cried as I read it. I know those feeling you were describing. I have been there and am still working on living my life and not letting it pass me by. I have often thought about going back to school (also the RN program) but I have listened to those negative thoughts for so long, I just pushed the thought to the back of my mind. You have inspired me to look into going back to school! Thanks.

    I am so blessed to have you as my friend. You have been so encouraging to me. Thank you for being there for me. I hope to be there for you too!!!
    1992 days ago
    Your blog brought tears... It is so amazing that you have stepped up and stepped out those times you really didn't want to.. you truly conquered your fears and it will only get easier! The human mind is such a powerful thing... human spirit is such a powerful thing. You chose your path and stuck to it and are sticking to it.. I am sooo happy for you :D
    1996 days ago
    Love this blog! Good for you on letting go of those fears! Only positive self-talk because you are an amazing person and absolutely beautiful inside and out!! :)
    1998 days ago
    What a fantastic blog. You deserve a gold star, and more. I am truly proud of you.

    2002 days ago
  • SHOES17
    I dont know how i missed this blog. You are beautiful inside and out!! Hang in there and make it happen! I came looking for the dq blog. I have been so down tonight and it always inspires me! thanks!
    2020 days ago
    Definitely the inspiration I am are wonderful!!!!
    2020 days ago
  • CATDUG19
    You are so amazing!! I love this DONE girl. I also love your hair and I am so proud that you have decided you are worth it!!
    2022 days ago
    You know it seems strange to think of you not wanting to be seen... I look at your pictures and you look absolutely beautiful; I think you look at yourself more harshly than others do.

    When I was in my thirties, I use to live as practically a shut-in, not making friends and just talking to people online, for all the same reasons. I got to where I decided I wasn't getting any younger and letting too much of life pass me by, so I started forcing myself to go out. It was worth it, and even though I'm still not very social and can be withdrawn I have made some friends.

    There is one particular story I'd like to relate. There is a young woman who lives near here who was on a number of my friends' Facebook pages. She is in her mid-20's, has been a model, looks absolutely perfect and flawless. Exactly the kind of person who no doubt would never give a 400 pound middle aged man the time of day. One day I was down at the theatre working on a set; I'd been at it all day and was grimy, sweaty, covered in paint, and I'm sad to say probably smelly at that point. And I look up from the flat I'm painting and I see her walk by looking for her boyfriend and I instantly recognize her from her Facebook pictures. She asked me if I had seen him and I said no. She plopped down on a nearby chair saying she'd just wait for him there, and just started talking to me. And talking. And talking, for like an hour. And she and I are close friends now. I'd have never gone up and talked to her, but she didn't see all the horrible things I saw in myself; she just saw me, and with my guard down I didn't wreck the opportunity by shying away as I would have in a normal social environment. It was a huge learning moment.

    Trust yourself and trust people. You have a beautiful, engaging smile; turn that on and people aren't going to see the things that you see in yourself that make you hold back. That smile will make people want to know you.

    2028 days ago
  • KN1029
    This is an awesome post! I relate so much to it and it is so encouraging to see someone putting their foot down and declaring to be happy and healthy and get out there in the world. your determination will do you so well in college. trust me. i know. I am a college student now and just recently recovering from a hard fall of laziness and depression that resulted in a total loss of all my scholarship and a horrible GPA. Now I have learned my lession and am dedicated to make it through this journey even if it will be taking me a little longer. I learned a lesson the hard way, but I gained so much value from it. So, hang in there, you will do great!!!
    2029 days ago
    Oh my gosh you made me cry. In a good way. You should really keep this blog and maybe if you ever want to publish your experiences on this journey in the future-- you should definitely share this one with the world. I've got chills from reading it. Some parts were like looking in a mirror. I've stopped doing some of the stuff I love. I haven't been to the movies in awhile and I used to love going. I don't have many friends here in California since moving from Montana 3 years ago. I was lonely and food was my companion. But now we can find happiness in our journey and from the support from spark. I am a firm believer in destinies and signs and I think Matisyahu happening to be in concert in your area and his album "Spark Seekers" it's like someone was trying to nudge you down this path (we know who). I have heard a song of his before-- the video I don't know if it was "One Day" or not but it would always move me to tears. I am so glad you went and enjoyed yourself and you know what girl? You have so many people that love you and care about you-- I consider you a friend and a kindred spirit and you are making a difference in my life. Thank you for sharing this emoticon
    2030 days ago
    I love it! Honestly, I balled like a baby. You are my aunt and my best friend and I wouldn't be able to do any of this if it wasn't for you! I would be the girl sitting at home and crying herself to sleep at night. I was lost and afraid and you found me. Thank you so much! emoticon
    2031 days ago
    2031 days ago
    Awesome blog, you are amazing! Way to go for shutting out your demons and beginning to live your life freely!
    2034 days ago
    Awesome entry!!!!
    2034 days ago
  • GIGI0607
    Love the pics & glad you found something to bring happiness to your life. emoticon
    2034 days ago
    I know how it feels to hide too, so glad you brought your sunshine back into the world! What a beautiful woman you are. Don't let a little weight define you - you have beauty and you are gaining your health back. Thank you so much for your words and so glad to see you change! as for nursing emoticon emoticon so glad to hear that you are going to learn to be a nurse, you'll have true empathy for those patients!
    2034 days ago
    You are very beautiful as everyone else has said!! When you get to the other side in regards to being healthy you will look amazing!! Keep up the amazing work and check out my sparkpage.. I have had a rough journey myself and understand what you have been through. I have a blog about "rewiring our thoughts" it is similar to the positive self talk I saw on your blog!! Amazing job you will get there one step at a time!!

    2034 days ago
  • TINA4791
    You are such a beautiful person, had I not experienced those same feelings of avoiding public places, I'd tell you that you are crazy for having those thoughts! But I can certainly understand! Congratulations on returning to school, you will do GREAT!! Your story is inspiring and I know that those who read it will think the same! emoticon
    2035 days ago
    Thank you for such honest, heart-felt sharing. You are emerging from your cocoon into a beautiful butterfly. Your picture is gorgeous. Your hair is gorgeous! I am happy that you got to hear YAH. I am sure that college will be awesome..Blessings as you continue the journey of life!
    2035 days ago
    You are so sweet, vulnerable and brave and ALIVE! And, as others have stated, beautiful. This was a fantastic blog. I am glad and inspired that you committed to LIVE...and shunned the hiding and dying... Thanks for sharing it and thanks for the cool language lesson about Yah!
    2035 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/21/2012 1:39:44 AM
    Oh Sweetie, if only you knew how beautiful you are, how beautiful of a blog you wrote. I didn't even think it was long because of how well you wrote it, with getting down to the very depths of your heart and out there, on the screen, for us. I admire you so much and I truly feel that you want this with all you have too. That you want to be out in the public more. I can kind've enter in to what you're saying. I've really let my weight keep me from doing alot of things out there that are social, so I work on my problem every day too to change for the better! Good luck to you, and I'm all behind you every day! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2036 days ago
    I love that you have broke down so many of those barriers that held you captive! I am so proud of you and all that you have and will accomplish! Keep at it! emoticon
    2036 days ago
    I am so touched by your blog! Woohoo for not being scared and getting out there and living life. I need to do some of that myself so I'm right there with you. Have a great day. emoticon emoticon
    2036 days ago
    You ROCK!! Trust in God, he knows the wonderful future he has planned for you! Congrats on going back to school. I think you will make an awesome nurse, and the world could definitely use more! If you have questions on school or even want a study buddy I'm here, I pretty much have been in school my whole life :P and I'm in the health field too so let me know! I envy you for finding that life changing moment to finally LIVE your life... Have FUN and ENJOY it!
    emoticon emoticon
    2036 days ago
    You are so beautiful! Keep pushing girl. Do you. You got this.
    2036 days ago
    That was such an awesome blog. So inspirational! I so look forward to seeing what else God has in store for you this year!
    2036 days ago
    Dear Gorgeous:





    2037 days ago
    This is such a great blog! I hope you make many many friends in college.
    2037 days ago
    I am so glad you got out and lived your life and you are having fun.
    2037 days ago
    I just wanted to say, I know I'm late coming to the party, but your blog made me want to cry with joy!

    2037 days ago
    Shrink U, so glad you are spreading the Spark and encouraging your niece to join. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, I understand you and know what it is to think twice before doing-- bc of my weight. I am so happy for you for putting your fears aside and doing what you truly want, we all deserve to enjoy life and be happy. Good luck with your RN program, you will do great!! Keep the spark alive! :) p.s. I'm youtubing Matisyahu right now. :P emoticon
    2037 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/19/2012 1:44:24 PM
    This made me tear up. I am so happy you have found your strength and that you are conquering your fears. You do deserve a life of happiness.
    2037 days ago
    Hooray to you for taking control of the reigns on your life! Great blog!
    2037 days ago
    This was an awesome blog. You have a gift with the written word. You will make a great nurse-you have the empathy and concern that I see in so many nurses. You will do great in school! Best of luck- I am walking that road now (social work). Continue to step out in faith!

    After reading your blog, I checked out Matisyahu on line and I realized that I know who he is! Andrew (my hubby) and I saw something about him on T.V.
    2037 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/19/2012 1:06:52 PM
    You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met, inside and out. This blog made me cry.... the familiarity! The triumph! The desire to take the same steps you are!

    I am so proud of you for finally stepping out of your comfort zone. For defeating all those fears. For living your life. You are amazing and I am more than honored to call you my friend.
    Keep going beautiful Shrinky! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
    You are amazing. Good job changing your life in so many ways, learning to love yourself, you deserve it. Keep up the good work. Fear is something I'm sure almost all of us can relate to, sure know I can. I always feel like everyone is talking about me and making fun of me, but the true is no one was. Now I know people are talking about me when I'm not around, about how great I look and how much weight I've lost. They are all talking about me because they are proud of me. And I am proud of you!!!!
    2037 days ago
    emoticon you are such a beautiful person never ever ever never lose sight of that. You have come so far and now the world is on a silver platter at your feet. Enjoy it to the fullest. I am so happy you are one of my spark friends you truly are awesome.
    2037 days ago
    Great blog emoticon I think a lot of us share the same fears.. It is hard for me to walk into a room full of people or make friends. My best friend is my sister .....
    I know it must be hard to face your fears, but you found that courage and positive attitude and you are doing great !! Thanks for sharing... emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
    I'm so happy and proud for you. Way to overcome your fears and reclaim your life.

    You are beautiful, you are strong, and you can do anything you put your mind to!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
    That was a truly wonderful blog!! Thank you so much for posting it.

    2037 days ago
    You have some wonderful affirmations....and you are a wise woman (beyond your years) in understanding friendship. We're so excited to have you on the LEMON Team! Keep working towards your goals!

    Go LEMONS!!!

    ´¨¨)) -:¦:-
    ¸.•´ .•´¨¨))
    ((¸¸.•´ ..•´ 1HAPPY SPIRIT ( -:¦:- )
    -:¦:- ((¸¸.•´*

    2037 days ago
    It all seems meant to be, doesn't it?

    I loved this blog. It's so filled with positivity and courage. You are amazing. Good for you, girl! You deserve it. And the pictures are gorgeous. Your smile would light up a room!

    emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
    It's difficult for me to understand how you could not see how wonderful you are! Shutting yourself away from the world is a serious injustice to the world. I am so glad you've finally come to realize your worth and value. emoticon
    2037 days ago
  • GIGI0607
    WOW, what a great blog on the history of you being you. I have several of them same fears about breaking or not fitting into a chair. I travel alot for work & have to get on airplanes. I swear those seats are made for very tiny people & I can not put the tray down cuz of my belly & sometimes I need a seat belt extender. I actaually just want to cry of embarrasment. I loved this blog and I love your amazing attituide even more. You deserve to be at school, going to concerts and getting your hair & nails done. Keep up the great work and positive attitude. emoticon
    2037 days ago
    2037 days ago
    I'm so happy for you and proud of you. I share your fear of people's criticism because of weight and hypothyroidism. It's so liberating to move forward and overcome our fears. A big hug to you, girl. You deserve it and I'll be here to cheer for you! emoticon
    2037 days ago
    I really enjoyed your blog!! And I am so happy that you have decided to LIVE!!!! I can relate to you in so many ways!!! I have too let life passed me by for years just existing not living!!!! So emoticon to you for making that change!!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2037 days ago
    I loved reading this blog!! I am a lot like you were..and slowly getting out of it. It is SO hard to face your fears!! You have done such an awesome job doing that over the past few years!! How motivating is that!! I wish you all the best as you continue on your healthy journey!! You have come so far and I have no will accomplish what ever you set your mind too!!Those pics are GREAT !! So glad you got to go the that concert..Life is beautiful..if we let it be :) Keep up the great work !! emoticon emoticon
    2037 days ago
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