Hey Sparkers!
Buckle your seats-- this is going to be a long, LONG blog. If you make it through to the end I thank you so much for caring!
It has been 11 days since my last blog but it feels like it has been weeks! The past week has been amazing for me. I asked my niece to come to Spark People and she lost 7 pounds in her first week! WAY TO GO TOWNIE_LAINE!

I have told some of you before that I don't have many friends. Since moving away from the Dallas area over a decade ago I left many friends behind and I have not made one new friend since I moved! No friends in over a decade. No lie. My niece Townie is actually my best friend :) How is it possible that a 19 year old is my best friend? I will tell you how because she is awesome.. and because I am a 19 year old trapped in a 32 year old body.

Another reason I haven't made any friends is because I shut myself off from the world. MESAMA wrote a blog a while back about the difference between selling yourself to people and sharing yourself with people. Years ago I was guilty of selling myself. I would work so hard at relationships trying to get people to like me. I would go above and beyond.. and I never got anything in return. Now I am not saying that I am friends with people because I want them to give back to me. But it is nice to have a mutual friendship and to be able to rely on and receive support from someone. I always gave that but rarely got it back in return.
So in this past decade or so I have become hermit like. I avoided crowded places. I would drive 30 miles at 2 AM to Walmart to get my shopping done. I avoided restaurants, movie theaters, hair salons, barbecues, camping parties.. you name it - I AVOIDED IT. I had my few places that I felt comfortable going to- my sister's house, the library, and a local restaurant where I would ask to be seated in the corner so I could hide.

About a year ago I made a decision that I was not going to let my weight hold me back from living. I actually went to a salon and sat in my car for 15 minutes to work up the nerve to walk in to get my eyebrows waxed. I drove home crying the whole way because I was so happy that I actually let a stranger see me and touch my face. I didn't break the table that I had to lay on while I was being waxed. That is such a normal experience for some people.. they don't even think twice about it. But for me it was like being asked to walk-the-plank.
I began seeking help for my hypothyroidism and I slowly started to feel better-- I started coming out of my fog-- I stopped being a zombie.

In February I was going over my finances and trying to figure out how my husband and I were going to send our kids to college even if it was just community college to start. My kids are 9 and 10 right now. I had to get a plan going. I started researching the cost of the local college so that I could get a savings budget started for the kiddos. When all of the sudden a thought popped into my head. I thought, "It is great that you want to prepare the kids for success.. but why aren't you worried about your own future and success. The best way to make sure the kids get to college is to go back to college yourself!"

At first the thought TERRIFIED ME. Me? A hermit? An anti-social, paranoid, over-thinker go to college? Would I fit in the seats? Would I be able to climb the stairs? Would people make fun of me? Would I be too out of shape to get from one class to another?
I went to sleep and in the morning the first thought that popped into my head was "Love yourself as much as you love your children-- you are worth it and you deserve a life just like they do."
So when I saw my mother I mentioned it to her. To my surprise she was ecstatic. She urged me to go to the college right away and enroll. I couldn't believe it! I mentioned it to my husband when he came in from out of town and at first he didn't believe me but then he told me to go for it!

A few weeks later I got up the nerve to do something else that was a huge task for me. I have not let anyone touch my hair in years. I have only had my hair cut by someone else probably twice since I was 16. I have always cut my own hair. I remember being a size 16 and thinking I would break the hair stylists chair. So of course the larger I got my fears grew even larger. When I was a size 32 of course I wasn't going to go into a salon. I was a size 32 at my largest a few years ago I am now a 26/28. My hypothyroidism has caused me to lose a lot of my hair and that made me even more paranoid to have people touch my hair. Nevertheless.. two months ago I went and got my first professional haircut in well over a decade. And much like with the eye brow waxing I sat in the parking lot forever before working up the nerve to walk in.
So where am I going with all of this? In the past year or so I have been letting my fears go.
In the past year I also went to the movies for the first time in over a decade.. what was my fear there?? Not fitting in the seats.. having people stare at me. Same old junk. I finally decided in the past year that I am tired of living in fear. I deserve to be HAPPY!

In the past year I have also received the first manicure that I have had in over a decade... fear there? Not fitting in the seats.. having people stare at me.. being paranoid that the techs were talking about me in another language. I deserved a manicure and I got one!

I AM DONE BEING SCARED!!!!!!
I AM DONE OVER THINKING!!!!!!!!
I AM DONE LETTING LIFE PASS ME BY!!!!!!!!!!

So this leads us to my biggest moment of the year. As some of you may have read on my status update a few days ago .. I was going to a concert.

There has been one artist who has really touched my soul for the past year or so. His name is Matisyahu. Some of you may have noticed that I call God by his Hebrew name YHWH. In short I call him Yah. Rastafari peoples call him Jah. Some people pronounce his name Yahweh, Yahua, Jehovah, and more. He is the Yah that is in the term Hallelujah pronounced HalleluYah. Hallel means Praise. Yah is His name. So when you are saying Hallelujah you are saying Praise God or Praise Yah.

Matisyahu means Gift from Yah. In english it is Matthew.. meaning Gift from God.

I am not saying any of this to get into a religious debate.. only to explain what I am about to write about.

Well, like I was saying Matisyahu's music has really lifted my spirits and put my heart and mind in such a good place. I wanted to see him perform live so bad but never thought it would happen because I live in the boonies. So you can imagine my surprise when I saw a few weeks ago that he was going to be performing at a Native American casino concert hall close to my home. One of my nieces even works there. I was in shock! I was thinking what on Earth is this amazing man doing coming here!

I could not believe it!!!

Of course at first the old me started winning all of the conversations in my head. You will not fit in the seats, you haven't been to a concert in over a decade, people will stare at you, you will have an anxiety attack, you will have to buy two seats so that you don't bump into people and have them want to vomit when they touch you.... these were some of the disgusting thoughts that were winning the battles in my brain.


But guess what???

I WAS DONE WITH THOSE NEGATIVE THOUGHTS.

The Universe.. My Creator.. My Most High.. My G_d.. My Yah was sending me a message and I was going to listen. I bought the tickets.. my niece TOWNIE_LAINE and I went to the concert and we lived!

I lived-- I danced-- I laughed-- I cried

I was given a gift. And just as his name suggests.. MatisYahu was truly a Gift from Yah to me.

I have also been given the gift of life.. and I am not going to waste it anymore.

GUESS WHAT ELSE??? His new album is titled SPARK SEEKERS!!! SPARK?!?!?!

THE UNIVERSE IS SO AWESOME-- I decided to live and listen and learn... and I have been placed on a path that shows me every few steps that I am on the right track!

If that isn't a message from the Universe I don't know what is!

I AM DONE BEING SCARED!!!!!!

I AM DONE OVER THINKING!!!!!!!!

I AM DONE LETTING LIFE PASS ME BY!!!!!!!!!!

A year ago I was a hermit. A year ago I was alone. A year ago I was depressed and sick. A year ago I was scared. A year ago I was going nowhere.

TODAY I AM DONE

TODAY I AM NOT AFRAID

TODAY I WILL FIGHT FOR MY HAPPINESS

TODAY I AM WINNING THE BATTLE IN MY MIND, MY SPIRIT, AND MY BODY.

TODAY I HAVE RECLAIMED MY RIGHT TO LIVE-- TO TRULY LIVE

.............70 days until I go back to college! Oh and for those who have asked.. I am hoping to enter the Registered Nursing Program.

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If you are curious about who Matisyahu is you can read more below.. if not thanks for reading my blog!!

Pictures from weekend at bottom!

*Matisyahu is a unique artist who sounds like a modern day Bob Marley. He is Jewish and has collaborated with many artists of all faiths. His music is about love, peace, hope, and humanity.

Here are the lyrics from one of my favorite Matisyahu songs:
(Matisyahu is Jewish-Akon is Muslim)
One Day (featuring Akon)
(One day, one day, one day)

(Akon, Matisyahu)

See everybody that's existin’
got a mind of their own
We’re all kings and queens
With a throne of our own

Tryin’a raise our families
In a healthy home
We gotta learn to stick together
Hate to be here alone

Cuz the world is a place
That will eat you alive in one day
Said the world is a place
That you can’t survive without faith

Sometimes in my tears I drown
But I never let it get me down
So when negativity surrounds
I know someday it'll all turn around because

All my life I been waiting for
I been prayin' for
For the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day
One day, one day, one day, one day, one day

It's not about win or lose cause we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood-drenched pavement keep on moving
though the waters stay raging

And in this maze you can lose your way, (your way)
it might drive you crazy
but don't let it phase you no way (no way)

Gotta hold on, and life your life day by day
Gotta hold on, put your focus on that one day



All my life I been waiting for (waitin for)
I been prayin' for (praying for)
For the people to say
That we don't want to fight no more (fight no more)
They'll be no more wars (no more wars)
And our children will play, one day
One day, one day, one day, one day, one day

One day this all will change
Treat people the same
Stop with the violence down with the hate
one day we'll all be free and proud
to be under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like…

Gotta hold on,
Live your life day by day
Gotta hold on
Put your focus on that one day

All my life I been waiting for
I been prayin' for
For the people to say (ay ya ya ya yo)
That we don't want to fight no more (ay ya ya ya yo)
They'll be no more wars
And our children will play, one day

One day, one day, one day
One day, one day, one day
(one day, one day, one day)
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If you made it this far thank you so much!!! I am so thankful for all of my Spark Friends-- you are also a gift to me :)
Here's to living!

Here is a picture of me and TOWNIE_LAINE before the concert :)

Here is a picture of me and another one of my nieces who works at the casino where the concert hall was :)


HERE IS THE DONE GIRL HERSELF!!


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Be still and listen... you are being guided-- don't miss the messages!