Monday, June 18, 2012
They say that anger is an emotional mask. I suppose that's true. I feel angry right now, but if I take a minute to examine why I have to admit it's because I'm scared and hurting.
Today is the 29th anniversary of my father's death. It's always a melancholy day for me. My husband thinks it's morbid, but his death is so much a part of me, I don't know any other way. I wasn't even 4 when he died. It still hurts.
Saturday, I took my kids to visit my step dad (the only Grandpa they know) for Father's Day. He lives an hour and a half away from us. He has diabetes and doesn't eat often enough (says he isn't hungry) so his blood sugar isn't properly controlled. In October 2011 he had an ischemic stroke followed by a hemorrhagic conversion a month later and has some residual brain damage from the strokes and can't drive down to visit us. My sisters and I had planned it...we were going to cook him dinner and dessert and play in the yard with the kids. My sisters and brother-in-law arrived first and found him in the recliner..he didn't look well and was complaining that his hip hurt really bad and then said his chest felt tight. One sister called the ambulance while her husband and my other sister stayed with dad who started having a seizure and at one point stopped breathing.
My kids and I pull up to the house with the ambulance in the driveway and both of my sisters in the front yard crying and upset. We all head to the hospital after the ambulance. ER doctors said that if the seizure was due to low blood sugar, the seizure like activity should have stopped once the blood glucose level stabilized. The doctors decided to sedate and intubate him as a preventative measure because of the medication and said his case is too critical to stay at that hospital. They arrange for him to be transferred to a university hospital another hour farther from home. We stop for dinner and proceed to the second hospital where we stayed until 2 am. Went to a hotel for the night and back to the hospital in the morning. Visited Dad several times yesterday. I finally had to leave - had to get my kids home - at 7:00 pm; we didn't get home until 10:30.
I heard from my sister this morning that he had a bad night, not much sleep, he has been combative with the nurses, and now he's hallucinating on top of everything else. Something is wrong - really wrong - with dad, but we don't have much information even now. It's scary and sad and...and...some feeling I can't quite place. I find myself vacillating between numb and angry/sad.
I chose to come to work today but all I can think about is him and how my mom and sisters are coping and that I should be there. I know there's nothing I can do but I also know I tend to keep them calmer. I recognize that isn't my responsibility...I just feel so helpless....